Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (best books for students to read .TXT) 📗

115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when they went to Billingsgate to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam, said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear Dog-Skin Gloves: D—mn you for a lying Bitch, reply'd the other, my Husband has wore Dog-Skin Breeches these ten Years, and his A—se is as brown as a Nutmeg.

116. Dr. Heylin, a noted Author, especially for his Cosmography, happened to lose his Way going to Oxford, in the Forest of Whichwood: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he did not know it: How! said the Fellow, that's very strange that you, who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of this little Wood.

117. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a Pension from the French King, by the Interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the Cardinal told him, he hoped he would not forget the Word Pension in his Dictionary. No, my Lord, said Vaugelas, nor the Word Gratitude.

118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the rest? O! said he, I belong to another Parish.

119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus. If the Child, said he, comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I will father it, if not, it must be your's.

120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird with him, and having an Irish Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd the Irish Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little Thing would have died in the Fall.

121. The same Irishman being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well, now, faith, said he, of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw, this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead.

122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water, did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, 'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children being devoured by the two She Bears, who reviled the old Man, and not much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, What are you here with your Bears again.

124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at Bottom? Ay, reply'd the other, but you are not half Way to the Bottom yet.

125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, That he had lost half his Memory.

126. One speaking of Titus Oats, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and deserved to be well threshed.

127. It was said of Henry, Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest Usurer in all France, for he had turned all his Estate into Obligations, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to make Presents to other Men.

128. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose Country was the best Living, said the Welchman, there is such noble Housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every Man toasted his own Cheese.

129. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller, had always a very great Contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for J——s the Painter, and being one Day about twenty Miles from London, one of his Servants told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. J——s come that Day into the same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but if his Horses draw no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town again.

130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg: Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your Throat is very narrow.

131. A Gentleman asked Nanny Rochford, why the Whigs, in their Mourning for Queen Anne, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she, the Tories were worsted.

132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was ad Rem, then said one of the adverse Party, You must take out one Glass of your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use.

133. The famous Tom Thynn, who was remarkable for his good Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would give him a Mugg of his Small Beer: Why how now, said he, what Times are these! when Beggars must be Choosers. I say, bring this Fellow a Mugg of Strong Beer.

134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at other Peoples Tables, and was a great Railer, that he never opened his Mouth but to some Body's Cost.

135. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, that he was, Nato di Casa illustre, Son of an illustrious House.

136. Diogenes begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers, asked a prodigal Man for more than any one else: Whereupon one said to him, I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you will take most of him: No, said Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again.

137. Dr. Sewel, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards Hampstead on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcel, who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, to make Hay; Very well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season, the Country wants Rakes.

138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, I believe I command more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I must command him ten Times over.

139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer, who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any more of it, than I did of my Dying Day.

140. A Spanish Lady reading, in a French Romance, a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers; What a deal of Wit, said she, is here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by?

141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. Paul's, ask'd, whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea?

142. Fabricus the Roman Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind, when the Physician of King Pyrrhus made him a Proposal to poison his Master, by sending the Physician back to Pyrrhus, with these Words; Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy Friends and of thy Foes.

143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when he designed to leave off Gaming; when you cease Loving, said he; then reply'd the Lady, you are like to continue a Gamester as long as you live.

144. A Soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar, of the Wounds he had received in his Face; Cæsar, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, how he look'd back.

145. The Trojans sending Ambassadors to condole with Tiberius upon the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus, it was so long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was likewise sorry that they had lost so valiant a Knight as Hector, who was slain above a thousand Years before.

146. Cato Major used to say, That wise Men learned more from Fools, than Fools from wise Men.

147. A Braggadochio chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so much to talk of, it is got, said he, all into my Heels.

148. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of Poets, why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in Prose.

149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober People, desired leave to toast the Devil; the Gentleman who sat next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.

150. A Scotsman was very angry with an English Gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him false Scot; Indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such Thing, but that you were a true Scot.

151. The late Commissary-General G—ley, who once kept a Glass Shop, having General P—c—k's Regiment under a Muster, made great Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, that the Regiment ought to be broke: Then, Sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass.

152. C——ll, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late Duke of Buckingham, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships in his Defence, That if the Duke was living, he was sure he would readily pardon the Offence.

153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the Temple, that if she had as much Law in her Head, as she had had in her Tail, she would be one of the ablest Counsel in England.

154. J—ck K——s, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture of Figg the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better of several Irishmen of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to old J——n, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr. E——s designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put under it: Then said old J——n, I'll give you one: A Figg for the Irish.

155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at Charing-Cross, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very weak: It may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the Strength of my Wine, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.

156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in Smithfield, and seeing the Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, how long he had lived there? And What Countryman he was? I'se Yerkshire, said the Fellow, an ha' lived Sixteen Years here. I wonder reply'd the Gentleman,