A Humorous History of England by Charles Harrison (thriller novels to read .TXT) 📗

IN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.

Ireland
OF Ireland but a word or two.
Celts were her people and they knew

Not benefit of Roman Ruling;
Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.

In century five St. Patrick great
Converts them to the Christian state;

And from this Western Isle afar,
English and Scotch converted are.

Danes and Ireland
Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought
Danes raiding Erin trouble brought;

And left them in chaotic state
No longer masters of their fate.

In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’
Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,

Then came the Normans in great force
And civilised us in due course.

They tried the same with Ireland green;
But only sowed a feud between

The land they’d conquered and Erin,
Leading to endless quarrelling.

Cromwell
England accepts the Reformation,
Catholic still the Irish nation

Boyne
Sees Cromwell with them battle join
And William beat them at the Boyne.

William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought
Ireland and England’s welfare sought

Act of Union 1800
By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed;
But still the wretched squabbles last.

George IV.
NOW come George Four and Will his brother;
With these two kings we need not bother;

William IV.
The first a gourmand, bon viveur,
The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.

Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt
Are names will never be forgot;

For their crude engines were the source
Of man’s control of Steam’s wild force.

Steam 1830
By eighteen-thirty man has tamed
Steam to his use; and widely famed

Was puffing ‘Rocket’ with the power
Of doing thirty miles an hour.

Steam prompts man to make machines
And Factories rise with all that means;

Divided more and more is labour
Each man leans more on his neighbour.

For twenty million pounds the nation
Buys our slaves’ emancipation.

Reform Act
In eighteen-three-two, happy year,
The great Reform Act doth appear.

Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.
The penny post comes into force.

And double knocks bring joys and thrills
Sometimes cheques, more often bills.

Corn Law Repeal 1846
The Corn Law duty’s brushed away,
Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.

WE fain would linger, but alas,
These are the periods we must pass.

So gentle reader do not grin
At sight of cumbrous crinoline.

Victoria 1837–1901
Since Queen Victoria’s palmy days
Woman has altered all her ways.

In those days she was meek and mild
And treated almost like a child;

Woman’s Status
Was brought up in a narrow zone;
And couldn’t call her soul her own.

She vegetated, ’tis well known
Under the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.

But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains,
And her own property retains.

What a difference from then,
She ‘carries on’ just like the men.

And now at Westminster we see
A lady sitting as M.P.

Darwin 1809–1882
CHARLES Darwin offers us a Key
To help unlock the mystery

Of Evolution’s wondrous span
From Protoplasm up to Man.

Livingstone 1813–1873
The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,
Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;

Where no white man had ever trod
Teaching the blacks the Word of God.

Crimean War
English, French and Turks unite
’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.

Indian Mutiny
The Indian Mutiny now arose,
‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.

Atlantic Cable
With efforts many men most able
Lay the great Atlantic Cable.

Suez Canal
Lesseps unites for you and me
The Medit’ranean and Red Sea.

Education Act
The Education Act proposes
To make us all as wise as Moses;

In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,
But each is learning to the last.

Ballot Act 1872
A couple of years from this we note
The Ballot Act gives secret vote;

Before this Act, e’en since we fear,
Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.