Whose Body? - Dorothy L. Sayers (motivational books to read .TXT) š
- Author: Dorothy L. Sayers
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āIām sure it must have been uncommonly distressinā,ā said Lord Peter, sympathetically, āespecially cominā like that before breakfast. Hate anything tiresome happeninā before breakfast. Takes a man at such a confounded disadvantage, what?ā
āThatās just it, thatās just it,ā said Mr. Thipps, eagerly. āWhen I saw that dreadful thing lying there in my bath, mother-naked, too, except for a pair of eyeglasses, I assure you, my lord, it regularly turned my stomach, if youāll excuse the expression. Iām not very strong, sir, and I get that sinking feeling sometimes in the morning, and what with one thing and another I āadāhad to send the girl for a stiff brandy, or I donāt know what mightnāt have happened. I felt so queer, though Iām anything but partial to spirits as a rule. Still, I make it a rule never to be without brandy in the house, in case of emergency, you know?ā
āVery wise of you,ā said Lord Peter, cheerfully. āYouāre a very far-seeinā man, Mr. Thipps. Wonderful what a little nipāll do in case of need, and the less youāre used to it the more good it does you. Hope your girl is a sensible young woman, what? Nuisance to have women faintinā and shriekinā all over the place.ā
āOh, Gladys is a good girl,ā said Mr. Thipps, āvery reasonable indeed. She was shocked, of course; thatās very understandable. I was shocked myself, and it wouldnāt be proper in a young woman not to be shocked under the circumstances, but she is reely a helpful, energetic girl in a crisis, if you understand me. I consider myself very fortunate these days to have got a good, decent girl to do for me and Mother, even though she is a bit careless and forgetful about little things, but thatās only natural. She was very sorry indeed about having left the bathroom window open, she reely was, and though I was angry at first, seeing whatās come of it, it wasnāt anything to speak of, not in the ordinary way, as you might say. Girls will forget things, you know, my lord, and reely she was so distressed I didnāt like to say too much to her. All I said was: āIt might have been burglars,ā I said, āremember that, next time you leave a window open all night; this time it was a dead man,ā I said, āand thatās unpleasant enough, but next time it might be burglars,ā I said, āand all of us murdered in our beds.ā But the police-inspectorāInspector Sugg, they called him, from the Yardāhe was very sharp with her, poor girl. Quite frightened her, and made her think he suspected her of something, though what good a body could be to her, poor girl, I canāt imagine, and so I told the Inspector. He was quite rude to me, my lordāI may say I didnāt like his manner at all. āIf youāve got anything definite to accuse Gladys or me of, Inspector,ā I said to him, ābring it forward, thatās what you have to do,ā I said, ābut Iāve yet to learn that youāre paid to be rude to a gentleman in his own āouseāhouse.ā Reely,ā said Mr. Thipps, growing quite pink on the top of his head, āhe regularly roused me, regularly roused me, my lord, and Iām a mild man as a rule.ā
āSugg all over,ā said Lord Peter. āI know him. When he donāt know what else to say, heās rude. Stands to reason you and the girl wouldnāt go collectinā bodies. Whoād want to saddle himself with a body? Difficultyās usually to get rid of āem. Have you got rid of this one yet, by the way?ā
āItās still in the bathroom,ā said Mr. Thipps. āInspector Sugg said nothing was to be touched till his men came in to move it. Iām expecting them at any time. If it would interest your lordship to have a look at itāā
āThanks awfully,ā said Lord Peter. āIād like to very much, if Iām not puttinā you out.ā
āNot at all,ā said Mr. Thipps. His manner as he led the way along the passage convinced Lord Peter of two thingsāfirst, that, gruesome as his exhibit was, he rejoiced in the importance it reflected upon himself and his flat, and secondly, that Inspector Sugg had forbidden him to exhibit it to anyone. The latter supposition was confirmed by the action of Mr. Thipps, who stopped to fetch the door-key from his bedroom, saying that the police had the other, but that he made it a rule to have two keys to every door, in case of accident.
The bathroom was in no way remarkable. It was long and narrow, the window being exactly over the head of the bath. The panes were of frosted glass; the frame wide enough to admit a manās body. Lord Peter stepped rapidly across to it, opened it and looked out.
The flat was the top one of the building and situated about the middle of the block. The bathroom window looked out upon the back-yards of the flats, which were occupied by various small outbuildings, coal-holes, garages, and the like. Beyond these were the back gardens of a parallel line of houses. On the right rose the extensive edifice of St. Lukeās Hospital, Battersea, with its grounds, and, connected with it by a covered way, the residence of the famous surgeon, Sir Julian Freke, who directed the surgical side of the great new hospital, and was, in addition, known in Harley Street as a distinguished neurologist with a highly individual point of view.
This information was poured into Lord Peterās ear at considerable length by Mr. Thipps, who seemed to feel that the neighbourhood of anybody so distinguished shed a kind of halo of glory over Queen Caroline Mansions.
āWe had him round here himself this morning,ā he said, āabout this horrid business. Inspector Sugg thought one of the young medical gentlemen at the hospital might have brought the corpse round for a joke, as you might say, they always having bodies in the dissecting-room. So Inspector Sugg went round to see Sir Julian this morning to ask if there was a body missing. He was very kind, was Sir Julian, very kind indeed, though he was at work when they got there, in the dissecting-room. He looked up the books to see that all the bodies were accounted for, and then very obligingly came round here to look at thisāāhe indicated the bathāāand said he was afraid he couldnāt help usāthere was no corpse missing from the hospital, and this one didnāt answer to the description of any theyād had.ā
āNor to the description of any of the patients, I hope,ā suggested Lord Peter casually.
At this grisly hint Mr. Thipps turned pale.
āI didnāt hear Inspector Sugg inquire,ā he said, with some agitation. āWhat a very horrid thing that would beāGod bless my soul, my lord, I never thought of it.ā
āWell, if they had missed a patient theyād probably have discovered it by now,ā said Lord Peter. āLetās have a look at this one.ā
He screwed his monocle into his eye, adding: āI see youāre troubled here with the soot blowing in. Beastly nuisance, aināt it? I get it, tooāspoils all my books, you know. Here, donāt you trouble, if you donāt care about lookinā at it.ā
He took from Mr. Thippsās hesitating hand the sheet which had been flung over the bath, and turned it back.
The body which lay in the bath was that of a tall, stout man of about fifty. The hair, which was thick and black and naturally curly, had been cut and parted by a master hand, and exuded a faint violet perfume, perfectly recognisable in the close air of the bathroom. The features were thick, fleshy and strongly marked, with prominent dark eyes, and a long nose curving down to a heavy chin. The clean-shaven lips were full and sensual, and the dropped jaw showed teeth stained with tobacco. On the dead face the handsome pair of gold pince-nez mocked death with grotesque elegance; the fine gold chain curved over the naked breast. The legs lay stiffly stretched out side by side; the arms reposed close to the body; the fingers were flexed naturally. Lord Peter lifted one arm, and looked at the hand with a little frown.
āBit of a dandy, your visitor, what?ā he murmured. āParma violet and manicure.ā He bent again, slipping his hand beneath the head. The absurd eyeglasses slipped off, clattering into the bath, and the noise put the last touch to Mr. Thippsās growing nervousness.
āIf youāll excuse me,ā he murmured, āit makes me feel quite faint, it reely does.ā
He slipped outside, and he had no sooner done so than Lord Peter, lifting the body quickly and cautiously, turned it over and inspected it with his head on one side, bringing his monocle into play with the air of the late Joseph Chamberlain approving a rare orchid. He then laid the head over his arm, and bringing out the silver matchbox from his pocket, slipped it into the open mouth. Then making the noise usually written āTut-tut,ā he laid the body down, picked up the mysterious pince-nez, looked at it, put it on his nose and looked through it, made the same noise again, readjusted the pince-nez upon the nose of the corpse, so as to leave no traces of interference for the irritation of Inspector Sugg; rearranged the body; returned to the window and, leaning out, reached upwards and sideways with his walking-stick, which he had somewhat incongruously brought along with him. Nothing appearing to come of these investigations, he withdrew his head, closed the window, and rejoined Mr. Thipps in the passage.
Mr. Thipps, touched by this sympathetic interest in the younger son of a duke, took the liberty, on their return to the sitting-room, of offering him a cup of tea. Lord Peter, who had strolled over to the window and was admiring the outlook on Battersea Park, was about to accept, when an ambulance came into view at the end of Prince of Wales Road. Its appearance reminded Lord Peter of an important engagement, and with a hurried āBy Jove!ā he took his leave of Mr. Thipps.
āMy mother sent kind regards and all that,ā he said, shaking hands fervently; āhopes youāll soon be down at Denver again. Good-bye, Mrs. Thipps,ā he bawled kindly into the ear of the old lady. āOh, no, my dear sir, please donāt trouble to come down.ā
He was none too soon. As he stepped out of the door and turned towards the station, the ambulance drew up from the other direction, and Inspector Sugg emerged from it with two constables. The Inspector spoke to the officer on duty at the Mansions, and turned a suspicious gaze on Lord Peterās retreating back.
āDear old Sugg,ā said that nobleman, fondly, ādear, dear old bird! How he does hate me, to be sure.ā
āExcellent, Bunter,ā said Lord Peter, sinking with a sigh into a luxurious armchair. āI couldnāt have done better myself. The thought of the Dante makes my mouth waterāand the āFour Sons of Aymon.ā And youāve saved me Ā£60āthatās glorious. What shall we spend it on, Bunter? Think of itāall ours, to do as we like with, for as Harold Skimpole so rightly observes, Ā£60
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