The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance - Giulia Lagomarsino (best book club books of all time TXT) 📗

“Hey, you know, you stay home. You could take the garbage out. I’m not sure why this falls on me.”

“Because you walk past the garbage can every day. Is it really that hard to pick it up and take it out with you?”

“Oh, so I earn the money and I have to do the chores?”

“Shut up,” Rocco muttered under his breath. “At this rate, she’s going to tell the assassin you’re here.”

Milo sighed. “Look, I just don’t get why this all falls on me. It’s like everything around here is my fault.”

“Because it sounds like it is,” I said to him. I turned to his wife. “Look, I understand that…your husband is an idiot. We’ve all been there—“

She turned her glare on me, immediately shutting me up. “When I was sick last year, I told him how miserable I felt and asked if he would pick up a thermometer for me.”

“Please tell me you did,” Rocco grumbled.

“He did. A meat thermometer.”

“You didn’t specify. How was I supposed to know you wanted one for checking your temperature?”

“Because I was sick!”

“Yeah, but you could have been making a roast for dinner too! And if I had shown up with a regular thermometer, then you would have been pissed at me too. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Rocco dropped his head in his hands, while Florrie pinched the bridge of her nose. Me? I just stared at Milo’s wife, wondering why she was stupid enough to marry the guy in the first place.

“We’ve all been there,” Rocco said weakly. “Marriage is rough.”

“Are you married?” she asked him.

“Uh…not yet, exactly,” he cleared his throat. “I’m sort of working on the logistics of it all, you know, making sure all the paperwork is in place,” he nodded.

“Do you want to know what rough actually is? He farts all night long in his sleep. He snores like a freight train. He’s constantly quoting The Office! When we go to the store, he skips all the spots close to the store and parks as far away as possible.”

“For safety reasons!” Milo shouted.

“Yeah, I gotta agree on that one,” Florrie shrugged. “There are too many idiots that might hit your vehicle.”

“Or you!” Milo said quickly, pointing to his wife. “I was looking out for you, and our future babies. I just love you so much! A random truck could run you over,” he fumbled.

Rocco nodded. “Yeah, that does happen.”

The lady was practically fuming across from us. “I bought a mirror last year and asked him to hang it for me. When he was done, I could only see the top half of my head!”

“Hey, you never specified where to hang it.”

“Well, being able to see myself in the mirror that I bought for myself would be nice.”

“You always said I wasn’t very good at reading your mind,” Milo chuckled.

Florrie leaned forward and squeezed his shoulder. “That’s not funny. Just shut up.”

Christ, it was like this guy was asking to get shot. At least the stuff we did was actually worthy of getting shot.

“Ma’am, I know marriage can be hard, but think back to when you first met him, when your eyes met his, and you just knew that it was meant to be. Hold onto that feeling. Marriage can be a beautiful thing.”

She pursed her lips at me. “Well, let me tell you what marriage is really like. Marriage is giving up your life so your husband can watch TV whenever he wants. It’s always being ready on time when he refuses to get ready until ten minutes after you were supposed to leave. It’s doing all his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning, only to have him leave his shit all over the house right after you’ve cleaned. Marriage is a soul-sucking black hole that becomes your life, where you never find enjoyment in anything ever again. And the entire time you’re married, you’re wishing he would die just so you could go find someone to fuck that knows how to do it properly.”

I swallowed hard, not knowing what to say. I looked over at Rocco with wide eyes, but he looked just as lost as I did. Florrie flicked her gaze toward the ceiling, then grabbed both of us by the collar. “Excuse us just a minute.”

We stumbled into the foyer, Florrie dragging us the whole way. “Obviously, you two suck at this. What we need is not for you to tell her how wonderful marriage is, but how badly you’ve both fucked up. She needs to know that there are way worse men out there than the dipshit in the other room.”

“Wait, you want us to tell her what we’ve done wrong?”

She glared at me. “Yes, genius. You both have enough material to ensure that she doesn’t go through with the hit on her husband. Now, get your asses in there and do your job.”

As I turned, she actually kicked me in the ass. I rubbed it and glared back at her. Like she was perfect. I could write a whole fucking book on her relationship with Alec. People would think they were so twisted and fucked up that they would never regret their choice of spouses ever again.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and stared at the woman in front of me. I could do this. I could save this. “You know, when I was trying to get the woman I love to be with me, I went about it all wrong. I mean, in everyone else’s eyes. I think what I did was totally normal.”

“It really wasn’t,” Florrie interrupted.

Narrowing my eyes at her, I continued. “I was trying to show her I loved her. See, we met at this coffee shop, and these guys tried to hold the place up, so I took care of them. Not dead, dead, but you know, not in danger of harming anyone. And I swear, the one guy was able to speak again with proper physical