The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde (best books under 200 pages .TXT) 📗

is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact. Jack I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted. Algernon Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven⁠—Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at once interferes. Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. Takes one and eats it. Jack Well, you have been eating them all the time. Algernon That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. Takes plate from below. Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter. Jack Advancing to table and helping himself. And very good bread and butter it is too. Algernon Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don’t think you ever will be. Jack Why on earth do you say that? Algernon Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right. Jack Oh, that is nonsense! Algernon It isn’t. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don’t give my consent. Jack Your consent! Algernon My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. Rings bell. Jack Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don’t know anyone of the name of Cecily. Enter Lane. Algernon Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here. Lane Yes, sir. Lane goes out. Jack Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward. Algernon Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up. Jack There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found. Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it at once. Lane goes out. Algernon I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. Opens case and examines it. However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn’t yours after all. Jack Of course it’s mine. Moving to him. You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case. Algernon Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read. Jack I am quite aware of the fact, and I don’t propose to discuss modern culture. It isn’t the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back. Algernon Yes; but this isn’t your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from someone of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn’t know anyone of that name. Jack Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt. Algernon Your aunt! Jack Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy. Algernon Retreating to back of sofa. But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? Reading. “From little Cecily with her fondest love.” Jack Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it. My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven’s sake give me back my cigarette case. Follows Algernon round the room. Algernon Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? “From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.” There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can’t quite make out. Besides, your name isn’t Jack at all; it is Ernest. Jack It isn’t Ernest; it’s Jack. Algernon You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to everyone as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn’t Ernest. It’s on your cards. Here is one of them. Taking it from case. “Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.” I’ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to anyone else. Puts the card in his pocket. Jack Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country. Algernon Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once. Jack My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were