Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) 📗

to man they were. They were huge. And there were many different kinds. There were ceratops and stegosauruses. There was the tyrannosaurus and the pterodactyl. And they lived, not in harmony, roaming the earth at will, raping, as it were, the planet and pillaging without regard. And, and um . . . uh . . . (He loses his place and quickly checks his pockets for notes) Um, I seem to have forgotten my notes. I’m sorry. I thought I left them in my pocket. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to wear this. Maybe I left them on the table. Maybe I—oh well, it doesn’t matter now. I don’t have them. That’s the point. I think I remember most of it.—Maybe I left them—it doesn’t matter.

Where was I? Oh, yes. It got cold. That’s right, it got very, very cold and all the dinosaurs died. They all died. At once. It got cold and they died. And the land masses shifted and arranged themselves into the pattern we see now on the map. Basically. I think. There weren’t any divisions for countries or states or anything, and I’m sure California was bigger, but it resembled what’s on the map. During the cold spell, which is generally referred to as “the ice age”—or maybe it was before the ice age, or after it—I can’t remember—but life started spontaneously. In a lake. Here, I think. (He indicates the Sea of Japan) And amoebas multiplied and became fish—don’t ask me how—which evolved into monkeys. And then one day, the monkeys stood up, erect, realized they had opposing thumbs and developed speech. Thus, Mankind was born. Here. (He indicates Africa)

Some people liked Africa, so they stayed there and became black. Some people left, looking for something, and became Europeans. And the Europeans forgot about the Africans and made countries and Queen Elizabeth executed her own half-sister Mary Queen of Scots. Some Europeans were Jewish, but most were Christians of some kind, Jesus having been born some time prior—oops, I forgot that. I’m sorry. Jesus was born. And there were other religions too, but I can’t remember much about them, so I’m sure they weren’t very important. During the Renaissance people got very fat. Picasso sculpted David, Marco Polo invented pizza, Columbus discovered the New World and Gaetan Dugas discovered the Fountain of Youth. Europeans imported tea, to drink, and Africans, to do their work. Edison invented the telephone. Martha Graham invented modern dance. Hitler invented fascism and Rose Kennedy invented nepotism. Orson Wells made Citizen Kane and mothers loved their children, who rebelled, when the sun shined most of the time, except when it rained and there was a rhythm to our breathing. There was an order to the world. And I was born here. (He indicates Philadelphia) I give you this brief summary of events, this overview, so you’ll have some perspective. I’m sure I got some of it wrong, I’ve lost my notes, but it’s basically the idea. And I wanted you to have, I think, some sense of history.

(He picks up the easel and exits. The lights come up on the living room of the Duncan family. The decor suggests not just money, but breeding. There is a sofa, end tables, wingback chairs, fresh flowers and four exits. One to the outside world, one to the kitchen. French doors reveal a terrace and the yard beyond. Stairs lead to the second floor. Tommy is standing behind Emma, kissing her.)

EMMA: I’m nervous.

TOMMY: Don’t be.

EMMA: I don’t feel well.

TOMMY: You smell like wet feathers.

EMMA: I can’t breathe.

TOMMY: Your neck tastes like licorice.

EMMA: I’m going to suffocate.

TOMMY: Your hair tastes like marzipan.

EMMA: Don’t eat my hair.

TOMMY: Say that again.

EMMA: Don’t eat my hair.

TOMMY: Your voice is like Mozart!

EMMA: I feel like there’s a brick behind my eyes.

TOMMY: Your voice is Ravel.

EMMA: Do you have a decongestant?

TOMMY: It’s Wagner!

EMMA: Some VapoRub?

TOMMY: You are the Venus vomited forth by the sea on the shell of a clam.

EMMA: Ick.

TOMMY: Have I upset you?

EMMA: Oh no. Although I do find the use of the word “vomit” disturbing.

TOMMY: I’m sorry.

EMMA: In a romantic setting.

TOMMY: I can’t do anything right. I don’t know why I try.

EMMA: Do you have an antihistamine?

TOMMY: I’m a dope.

EMMA: Now I’ve depressed you.

TOMMY: You haven’t.

EMMA: I have. I can tell.

TOMMY: It’s not you. It’s not your fault. I get depressed a lot.

EMMA: Do you have a Drixoral?

TOMMY: Almost anything can set me off. If my coffee’s too hot or too cold. If the sky is cloudy or the sun is too bright. Sometimes I just slip into an uncontrollable funk for no reason at all.

EMMA: I never noticed.

TOMMY: I’ve hidden it. I thought you’d find it unattractive.

EMMA: How long does it last?

TOMMY: A moment.

EMMA: Oh. (Pause) How are you now?

TOMMY: I’m fine.

EMMA: That’s good.

TOMMY: But my tooth—

EMMA: What?

TOMMY: I’ve got a terrible toothache.

EMMA: That’s too bad.

TOMMY: It’s nothing.

EMMA: Do you think there’s something caught?

TOMMY: I floss.

EMMA: Just decay.

TOMMY: I think it’s a wisdom tooth.

EMMA: I have some Darvon in my purse.

TOMMY: Why?

EMMA: I get leg cramps.

TOMMY: I never noticed.

EMMA: I suffer in silence. How’s your toothache?

TOMMY: Spreading down my arm.

EMMA: I’ve lost sensation in my hip.

TOMMY: From what?

EMMA: I don’t know.

TOMMY: My hand is twitching, isn’t it?

EMMA: No.

TOMMY: It’s nerves.

EMMA: It’s not twitching.

TOMMY: You just can’t see it.

EMMA: If it were twitching I could see it.

TOMMY: It’s twitching internally.

EMMA: If you say so.

TOMMY: Don’t patronize me.

EMMA: I wouldn’t. I love you.

TOMMY: Really?

EMMA: Yes. I think about you all the time. I try to read, or brush my hair but all I think about is you. Sometimes I say your name over and over again, under my breath. No one can hear me, but I don’t care. It just feels good to say it.

TOMMY: Thanks.

EMMA: Try it sometime. You’ll see.

(Grace enters, carrying shopping bags.)

GRACE: Flo!

EMMA: Mother. I’m so glad you’re home—

GRACE: Help me with these, would you? It’s hot as an oven and my arm’s asleep. (Emma takes Grace’s bags. Seeing Tommy for the first time) Oh.