No More Parades - Ford Madox Ford (the gingerbread man read aloud .TXT) 📗

those of Miss de Bailly, that could be considered a turning point of his career. IV

They had gone back up the hill so that Levin might telephone to headquarters for his own car in case the general’s chauffeur should not have the sense to return for him. But that was as far as Tietjens got in uninterrupted reminiscences of that scene⁠ ⁠… He was sitting in his fleabag, digging idly with his pencil into the squared page of his notebook which had remained open on his knees, his eyes going over and over again over the words with which his report on his own case had concluded⁠—the words: So the interview ended rather untidily. Over the words went the image of the dark hillside with the lights of the town, now that the air-raid was finished, spreading high up into the sky below them⁠ ⁠…

But at that point the doctor’s batman had uttered, as if with a jocular, hoarse irony, the name:

“Poor ⸻ O Nine Morgan!⁠ ⁠…” and over the whitish sheet of paper on a level with his nose Tietjens perceived thin films of reddish purple to be wavering, then a glutinous surface of gummy scarlet pigment. Moving! It was once more an effect of fatigue, operating on the retina, that was perfectly familiar to Tietjens. But it filled him with indignation against his own weakness. He said to himself: Wasn’t the name of the wretched O Nine Morgan to be mentioned in his hearing without his retina presenting him with the glowing image of the fellow’s blood? He watched the phenomenon, growing fainter, moving to the right-hand top corner of the paper and turning a faintly luminous green. He watched it with a grim irony.

Was he, he said to himself, to regard himself as responsible for the fellow’s death? Was his inner mentality going to present that claim upon him? That would be absurd. The end of the earth! The absurd end of the earth⁠ ⁠… Yet that insignificant ass Levin had that evening asserted the claim to go into his, Tietjens of Groby’s, relations with his wife. That was an end of the earth as absurd! It was the unthinkable thing, as unthinkable as the theory that the officer can be responsible for the death of the man⁠ ⁠… But the idea had certainly presented itself to him. How could he be responsible for the death? In fact⁠—in literalness⁠—he was. It had depended absolutely upon his discretion whether the man should go home or not. The man’s life or death had been in his hands. He had followed the perfectly correct course. He had written to the police of the man’s home town, and the police had urged him not to let the man come home⁠ ⁠… Extraordinary morality on the part of a police force! The man, they begged, should not be sent home because a prizefighter was occupying his bed and laundry⁠ ⁠… Extraordinary common sense, very likely⁠ ⁠… They probably did not want to get drawn into a scrap with Red Evans of the Red Castle⁠ ⁠…

For a moment he seemed to see⁠ ⁠… he actually saw⁠ ⁠… O Nine Morgan’s eyes, looking at him with a sort of wonder, as they had looked when he had refused the fellow his leave⁠ ⁠… A sort of wonder! Without resentment, but with incredulity. As you might look at God, you being very small and ten feet or so below His throne when He pronounced some inscrutable judgment!⁠ ⁠… The Lord giveth home-leave, and the Lord refuseth⁠ ⁠… Probably not blessed, but queer, be the name of God-Tietjens!

And at the thought of the man as he was alive and of him now, dead, an immense blackness descended all over Tietjens. He said to himself: I am very tired. Yet he was not ashamed⁠ ⁠… It was the blackness that descends on you when you think of your dead⁠ ⁠… It comes, at any time, over the brightness of sunlight, in the grey of evening, in the grey of the dawn, at mess, on parade: it comes at the thought of one man or at the thought of half a battalion that you have seen, stretched out, under sheeting, the noses making little pimples: or not stretched out, lying face downwards, half buried. Or at the thought of dead that you have never seen dead at all⁠ ⁠… Suddenly the light goes out⁠ ⁠… In this case it was because of one fellow, a dirty enough man, not even very willing, not in the least endearing, certainly contemplating desertion⁠ ⁠… But your dead⁠ ⁠… Yours⁠ ⁠… Your own. As if joined to your own identity by a black cord⁠ ⁠…

In the darkness outside, the brushing, swift, rhythmic pacing of an immense number of men went past, as if they had been phantoms. A great number of men in fours, carried forward, irresistibly, by the overwhelming will of mankind in ruled motion. The sides of the hut were so thin that is was peopled by an innumerable throng. A sodden voice, just at Tietjens’ head, chuckled: “For God’s sake, sergeant-major, stop these ⸻. I’m too ⸻ drunk to halt them⁠ ⁠…”

It made for the moment no impression on Tietjens’ conscious mind. Men were going past. Cries went up in the camp. Not orders, the men were still marching. Cries.

Tietjens’ lips⁠—his mind was still with the dead⁠—said:

“That obscene Pitkins! I’ll have him cashiered for this⁠ ⁠…” He saw an obscene subaltern, small, with one eyelid that drooped.

He came awake at that. Pitkins was the subaltern he had detailed to march the draft to the station and go on to Bailleul under a boozy field officer of sorts.

McKechnie said from the other bed:

“That’s the draft back.”

Tietjens said:

“Good God!⁠ ⁠…”

McKechnie said to the batman:

“For God’s sake go and see if it is. Come back at once⁠ ⁠…”

The intolerable vision of the line, starving beneath the moon, of grey crowds murderously elbowing back a thin crowd in brown, zigzagged across the bronze light in the hut. The intolerable depression that, in those days, we felt⁠—that all those millions were the playthings of ants busy in