Lockey vs. the Apocalypse by Meadows, Carl (love novels in english .TXT) 📗

like this piece of shit wants a medal because of how he respects women. Every night this dickwad pulls out his guitar (of course he does) to try and impress everyone with his soulful “original” songs about “his feelings”. I think he’s just learned shit from YouTube of obscure folk artists that none of these idiots will ever have heard of.

Well, Top Knot is clearly here for one reason. He’s trying to get laid. Seriously, the guy hangs around Freya like a bad stench, quoting how much he respects women while simultaneously mansplaining everything to her and treating her like a child that needs everything doing for her. I’m seriously considering feeding him to the zombies outside the gate, just to show everyone the end of the world is real. At least he could be of use as a bad example.

So, there’s our intrepid party of heroes. Ten absolute fucking whack-a-doodles that are unlikely to survive a single day on their own once the real world pops their little bubble of kale smoothies and rose quartz.

Namaste, bitches.

12th Entry

WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE, WE HAVE ZOMBIES

So, imagine if you will dear reader, telling ten spiritual people that the world beyond their little bubble of self-love is a wasteland, where the dead have risen to tear apart the living with extreme prejudice. Yeah.

They looked at us like we were the nutjobs.

Then no fucking word of a lie, graceful Grace glides across this open-sided dining area to light a little clustered bush and starts wafting it around the room, walking round the place like she’s ringing a bell, but instead just swirling the smoke round from the end of this fiery plant.

“Um, Grace?” I ventured. “What are you doing?”

“It’s sage,” offered the Little Mermaid. “It’s to cleanse the area of negative energy.”

It took me a minute to realise they were being serious, as Grace nodded her agreement with Ariel’s statement. Even Particles looked incredulous, sat on the tabletop in front of me. That bad ass pug looked at Ariel, then turned to look at me. His expression simply said, “what the fuck have you got me into here?”

“Is this some kind of reality show prank?” asked Top Knot. He was puffing up like a blowfish, three inches from Freya’s side and getting his flex on. “Zombies? Seriously?”

“Zion… it’s…” I stopped. “Seriously though. Zion? What’s your actual name? I bet it’s something like fucking Nigel isn’t it?”

That popped his inflating scrotum. The fluffy potato on his head quivered in indignation.

“Look, whatever you’re calling yourself, the only way to fucking prove this is if you come down to the gate and see for yourself.”

“The gate?” asked Theo.

“Right now, my herb-scented lovelies, there are about fifty undead pushing at your front gate, which you all managed to pull in while you were chanting Kum Ba Yah as you slapped those drums like demented monkeys.”

I think my derogatory depiction of their cleansing mantras was as popular as a whore doing a happy hour deal during Sunday church service.

“They’re going to have to be cleared,” offered Nate. “Sooner or later, that gate is going to give unless it’s suitably reinforced. As much as I hate to say it, this place is a pretty good base to work out of. I noticed the roof was covered in solar panels; is this place self-sustaining?”

“Of course,” replied Testicle. Aaargh. Damn it! Theo.

“What about water?”

“Artesian wells. Fresh water is drawn through electric pumps charged via the solar panels. It’s all renewable energy here.”

“Do you have hot water?” There was a little tremor of terrified excitement in my voice.

Theo nodded. “While the tank is full yes.”

Sweet Mary, mother of God. Testicle faced or not, I could have banged the back out of that round-faced freak right there and then on the kitchen top. Hot shower. Oh mama.

“Well, pretty much sells itself then,” murmured Nate grudgingly.

I gave him my “and you didn’t want to come here” look. He knew what I meant and had the grace to shrug his acknowledged defeat.

“Erm, this is our home,” ventured Theo nervously. “You can’t just… move in!”

“Erin, I’m going to need your help,” said Nate, ignoring Theo’s wail. “I need you to take this seriously and not piss your pants like an excited four-year old.”

Nate gave me a severe look and I knew what he was thinking. I nearly pissed my pants like an excited four-year old.

“I’ll go and get it.”

Ten minutes later, I swaggered back into a room filled with enough tension that even a single fart from Particles would have made everyone jump. Nate doesn’t see the need for pointless conversation and as these people were all pretty pointless in his eyes, he’d obviously just stood there like a gargoyle for ten minutes. Brooding.

Freya had moved. She was stroking Particles, who seemed to be enjoying the attention. Little dog whore, giving it up for the pretty lady. Still, I didn’t mind; as she sat there stroking the little fellow, she seemed a little calmer. Dogs are the best therapist you can have.

What was hilarious was Top Knot’s look of insane jealousy, made even more perfect by Particles just staring at him while Freya stroked him. I could almost hear the pug’s thoughts.

Yeah, Freya. Stroke me like that. Right there, baby. Mmm hmm.

All the while just staring at Zion, getting a kick out of his jealousy.

Particles didn’t choose the smug life; the smug life chose him.

Anyway, I sauntered back in with the double-triggered shotgun we lifted from Old McRapey’s dead hand, and all the shells. We had nearly three hundred now, with all the ammo we’d acquired over the past couple of weeks.

“Let’s do this,” I declared. If I had a cock, I’d have had a boner at that moment. I was way more excited than I should’ve been. I mean, Nate and I were about to go all Bonnie and Clyde on the undead posse coming for our ass, but every one of these fuckers put down was a victory. Plus,