Harley Merlin 12 by Bella Forrest (story books to read TXT) 📗

the same,” Santana continued furiously. “And, dios mio, why are you getting Ryann—a freaking human—involved? She was almost as bad as Harley. In fact, I think she only tried to hold it together for Harley’s sake. And Saskia, while I’m at it. She’s Tatyana’s baby sister, for crying out loud. Are you insane?”

Guilt, shame, anger, sadness—it all rushed through me in a torrent. It hurt more than I could describe. Just thinking about Harley sobbing into Tobe’s arms, saying she wanted to say goodbye to me, made me sick to my stomach. I’d done that to her.

This is what they really think about you, Finch. They think you’re only out for yourself. And you’re not exactly proving them wrong. If I could’ve reached into my skull and ripped out every last dark thought, I would’ve. Even if it killed me. This was the pain Kadar meant. This was unbearable hopelessness, live and in vivid Technicolor. No matter how many Katherines I killed, or what I gave up, it didn’t matter. Everyone’s first assumption was selfishness. Nobody expected me to do anything for their sake instead of mine.

“Do you really think I wouldn’t have phoned, or walked through a chalk door, or done something to let her know I was okay, if I could’ve?” I fired back, my friendliness gone. “Do you think I wanted Ryann involved? Or Saskia, for that matter? I care about them all. If I could have, I’d have kept right on doing things solo, but I reached a point where it wasn’t possible anymore. I tried… but I couldn’t do it alone. I would be dead if I had, though maybe you’d prefer that? Seriously, Santana, do you think so little of me that you believe I’d willingly bring them into this disaster?”

It was her turn to look dumbfounded. In fairness, I wasn’t entirely shocked to get an earful. Both Harley and Tatyana must have mentioned their issues with me before, while I’d been gone. And Santana had obviously been their go-to. But I was in no mood to explain myself and have my character smeared by Santana. Not now.

“I… I don’t think badly of you at all. I just want to understand what’s going on. You weren’t here. You didn’t see what everyone was like, and it truly sucked, Finch.” She managed to find an answer, her tone softening slightly.

“And I’m telling you, I wish I had been here. I didn’t ask for any of this.” I balled my hands into fists, knowing if I went too far, I wouldn’t be able to take it back. “I’ve done my damnedest to keep everyone safe. And you and I might not always see eye to eye, but you’re included. I’d fight tooth and nail to make sure you, and everyone else in this place, don’t have to go through what I’m going through.”

Santana sighed heavily. “I’d like to believe that’s true, but Ryann, Saskia, and Garrett are already involved.”

“I didn’t want them to be!” I barked. “I love her. Why would I want her in danger? That’s why I’m not curling into a ball and giving up, even though I want to every second of every damn day.”

“What did you say?” Santana’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“You said you love her. Who? Ryann?”

My mouth fell open. “I meant as a friend. I love them all as friends. I love all of you as friends.” The words rattled out like gunfire.

“That’s not what it sounded like,” Santana replied, her eyes fixed on mine.

“Well, apparently nothing is what it sounds like to you.” I couldn’t believe I’d said that out loud. “You think I’m some dumb, reckless prick who only cares about himself.”

She shook her head. “I never said that. You saved Raffe. That’s not the action of someone just out for himself.”

Oh, way to make it worse! After all, my motivations weren’t entirely selfless.

“And I don’t think that about you,” she continued. “I said things I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry for that. I’m majorly stressed over everything with Raffe, and I let my frustration get the best of me. You’re not a bad guy, Finch. But all this secrecy and trouble you’re in… it’s really freaking upsetting for someone on the outside looking in, with no idea what’s happening.”

“It’s not much better for those on the inside looking out, either,” I said, hastily trying to rebuild those walls. “And I don’t know much more than you, about what’s going on. If I did, it would be easier.”

Santana lowered her gaze. “You won’t put Raffe in danger by being here, will you?”

“I want to talk to him, that’s it. No harm, no foul.”

“If he gets hurt, I swear—”

“He’s not going to get hurt! Not by me, anyway,” I cut her off. “Although, if you don’t let me speak to him, that’ll be out of my control.”

She frowned. “You really think you can help?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

She toyed with the keyring on her belt loop. Her Esprit. “Then we should head back in.”

“You’re done ranting at me?”

Her cheeks reddened. “For now.”

“Good. Lead the way while I scoop up what’s left of my cajones.”

I waited until she’d walked a few steps ahead before taking two pills out of my pocket. I’d stowed them there before leaving for the restaurant, an ‘in case of emergency, shove these down your throat’ scenario. I did just that, swallowing them and praying they’d take the edge off the monsters in my mind.

The trouble was, if the pills really had stopped working, then I was at the top of a slippery slope with only one way to go.

Twelve

Raffe

I blinked awake. Bright lights stabbed my eyes. In the distance, I heard Santana. Had that brought me out of the darkness? Her voice had that effect on me. I glanced around but couldn’t see her. But I did see the familiar landscape of the infirmary. The sterile white walls and rough blue sheets. A drip snaked out of my arm.