Blood Loss by Kerena Swan (brene brown rising strong .txt) 📗

‘How will that help?’

‘I’m not entirely sure, but if I’m not my dad’s child, I hope I’ll be able to understand why he treated me the way he did. And if I am his child, I hope I’ll be more sympathetic to Mum’s drinking. Imagine being accused for twenty years of a sin you haven’t committed and having the shit kicked out of you for it? It would drive anyone to drink.’

‘Why didn’t she leave?’ Mark asks.

I frown. I don’t know why she stayed. ‘Perhaps he was all she had and she didn’t have the means to leave.’

‘What about you, Sarah? You said you’ve just left a difficult relationship.’

Mark’s digging too deep now. I don’t want to talk about past boyfriends. ‘He wasn’t the man I thought he was,’ I say. ‘Shall we order dessert? I need to leave soon. I’ve got a dog to see to.’

Chapter 25

The Following July | Jenna

Mum has surprised me by letting me drive her to the hospital after all. Before she got in my car, I gathered up the mouldy smoothie bottles, clothing and other detritus but I haven’t had time to brush the crumbs off the seats or dust the dashboard. She probably thinks it’s filthy in here but she isn’t saying much – just staring out of the side window at the trees and houses. I imagine mess loses its importance when your health is at stake.

A car pulls out of a side turning and I brake hard, causing Mum to tip forward in her seat. She grabs the door handle but doesn’t comment. I steal a glance at her before giving the road my full attention again. Usually, she would criticise me for driving too fast. She must be worried about this appointment. I’ve been trying to make up time because we were delayed leaving. I’d told the mother of the twins I look after that I needed to finish at one but she didn’t return until one thirty. I decide to drive slowly the rest of the journey.

Milton Keynes Hospital is nothing like it used to be. I remember Mum bringing me here as a small child to visit Lucy after she had her tonsils out. Back then there was a big open-air car park with loads of spaces. Now visitors have to park in a grim looking multi-storey built from what appears to be cages of rocks. The queue to get through the barrier is ten cars long and it looks even worse inside. As we’re running late I drop Mum off at the entrance and tell her I’ll find her.

Fifteen minutes later – fifteen for fuck’s sake! – I’m running down corridors looking for the X-ray department, worried about Mum facing this on her own. When I eventually find it, I feel so tense and light-headed that I have to put my hands on my knees and let my head hang down to get some blood into it.

‘You were a long time.’ Mum is sitting in a small waiting area, twisting her wedding ring around and around her finger.

‘The car park’s a bloody nightmare. The ticket machine isn’t working so there’s a massive queue and as no one was leaving, there were no spaces available for ages. Have you been seen by anyone yet?’

‘A nurse has asked me a lot of questions and completed a form but I’m waiting to go in for the X-ray.’

I’m relieved I made it in time. I fetch us cups of water then try to make light conversation. ‘Have you been sitting out in the sun, Mum? You’ve got a bit of colour.’ She usually looks pale.

‘No, I haven’t.’ A small frown furrows between her eyes and I wonder what she’s thinking. ‘You were jaundiced when you were born,’ she says after a while.

I look at her in surprise then suppose it’s being in a hospital that’s triggered the memory.

I’m about to prompt her for more stories to take her mind off her problems when her name is called. I want to go with her but I’m not allowed anywhere near the scanning process so, as she’s led away. I pick up a magazine and settle down to wait. I toss it aside again a few minutes later. I can’t concentrate. I keep thinking of Mum being zapped by a giant machine.

Mum looks relieved when she returns and my hopes lift. ‘Well, that wasn’t as bad as I expected,’ she says.

‘All good?’

‘I won’t know for a week or so. They’ll analyse the X-ray and write to my GP. They want me to come back and see the consultant so I need to make an appointment at the front desk.’

Mum smiles, clearly trying to reassure me, but for the first time I can’t help noticing in the harsh overhead lighting that the whites of her eyes have a yellow tinge. Has she noticed it too and is that why she mentioned my jaundice? I might have to research what it could mean on Google after all.

Chapter 26

The Previous March | Sarah

I turn the temperature up on the shower and flinch as the scalding water flays my skin. I pour a large measure of bath gel onto my shower scrunchie and scrub my intimate areas until they hurt. Even though I’d made Derek wear a condom I still feel sullied and dirty. I find the hardest old towel in the airing cupboard and rub my body roughly. It feels like sandpaper but at least if I take the top layer of skin off, I’ll have removed all trace of him.

Finally, I clean my teeth and swill my mouth out with a strong mouthwash. I didn’t let Derek kiss me but I breathed in air that he’d breathed out. But that’s enough of that sort of thinking. The sex is behind me and it’s the future that’s important. I’ll get my new car in the morning and Derek will make sure no trail leads to me. He might be a creep but a deal