Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain (free children's ebooks pdf .txt) đ
- Author: Mark Twain
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âWhatâregular?â
âYesâregular. His pewâs right over opposite ournâon tâother side the pulpit.â
âI thought he lived in London?â
âWell, he does. Where would he live?â
âBut I thought you lived in Sheffield?â
I see I was up a stump. I had to let on to get choked with a chicken bone, so as to get time to think how to get down again. Then I says:
âI mean he goes to our church regular when heâs in Sheffield. Thatâs only in the summer time, when he comes there to take the sea baths.â
âWhy, how you talkâSheffield ainât on the sea.â
âWell, who said it was?â
âWhy, you did.â
âI didnât nuther.â
âYou did!â
âI didnât.â
âYou did.â
âI never said nothing of the kind.â
âWell, what did you say, then?â
âSaid he come to take the sea bathsâthatâs what I said.â
âWell, then, howâs he going to take the sea baths if it ainât on the sea?â
âLooky here,â I says; âdid you ever see any Congress-water?â
âYes.â
âWell, did you have to go to Congress to get it?â
âWhy, no.â
âWell, neither does William Fourth have to go to the sea to get a sea bath.â
âHow does he get it, then?â
âGets it the way people down here gets Congress-waterâin barrels. There in the palace at Sheffield theyâve got furnaces, and he wants his water hot. They canât bile that amount of water away off there at the sea. They havenât got no conveniences for it.â
âOh, I see, now. You might a said that in the first place and saved time.â
When she said that I see I was out of the woods again, and so I was comfortable and glad. Next, she says:
âDo you go to church, too?â
âYesâregular.â
âWhere do you set?â
âWhy, in our pew.â
âWhose pew?â
âWhy, ournâyour Uncle Harveyâs.â
âHisân? What does he want with a pew?â
âWants it to set in. What did you reckon he wanted with it?â
âWhy, I thought heâd be in the pulpit.â
Rot him, I forgot he was a preacher. I see I was up a stump again, so I played another chicken bone and got another think. Then I says:
âBlame it, do you suppose there ainât but one preacher to a church?â
âWhy, what do they want with more?â
âWhat!âto preach before a king? I never did see such a girl as you. They donât have no less than seventeen.â
âSeventeen! My land! Why, I wouldnât set out such a string as that, not if I never got to glory. It must take âem a week.â
âShucks, they donât all of âem preach the same dayâonly one of âem.â
âWell, then, what does the rest of âem do?â
âOh, nothing much. Loll around, pass the plateâand one thing or another. But mainly they donât do nothing.â
âWell, then, what are they for?â
âWhy, theyâre for style. Donât you know nothing?â
âWell, I donât want to know no such foolishness as that. How is servants treated in England? Do they treat âem better ân we treat our niggers?â
âNo! A servant ainât nobody there. They treat them worse than dogs.â
âDonât they give âem holidays, the way we do, Christmas and New Yearâs week, and Fourth of July?â
âOh, just listen! A body could tell you hainât ever been to England by that. Why, Hare-lâwhy, Joanna, they never see a holiday from yearâs end to yearâs end; never go to the circus, nor theater, nor nigger shows, nor nowheres.â
âNor church?â
âNor church.â
âBut you always went to church.â
Well, I was gone up again. I forgot I was the old manâs servant. But next minute I whirled in on a kind of an explanation how a valley was different from a common servant and had to go to church whether he wanted to or not, and set with the family, on account of its being the law. But I didnât do it pretty good, and when I got done I see she warnât satisfied. She says:
âHonest injun, now, hainât you been telling me a lot of lies?â
âHonest injun,â says I.
âNone of it at all?â
âNone of it at all. Not a lie in it,â says I.
âLay your hand on this book and say it.â
I see it warnât nothing but a dictionary, so I laid my hand on it and said it. So then she looked a little better satisfied, and says:
âWell, then, Iâll believe some of it; but I hope to gracious if Iâll believe the rest.â
âWhat is it you wonât believe, Joe?â says Mary Jane, stepping in with Susan behind her. "It ainât right nor kind for you to talk so to him, and him a stranger and so far from his people. How would you like to be treated so?â
âThatâs always your way, Maimâalways sailing in to help somebody before theyâre hurt. I hainât done nothing to him. Heâs told some stretchers, I reckon, and I said I wouldnât swallow it all; and thatâs every bit and grain I did say. I reckon he can stand a little thing like that, canât he?â
âI donât care whether âtwas little or whether âtwas big; heâs here in our house and a stranger, and it wasnât good of you to say it. If you was in his place it would make you feel ashamed; and so you oughtnât to say a thing to another person that will make them feel ashamed.â
âWhy, Mam, he saidââ
âIt donât make no difference what he saidâthat ainât the thing. The thing is for you to treat him kind, and not be saying things to make him remember he ainât in his own country and amongst his own folks.â
I says to myself, this is a girl that Iâm letting that old reptile rob her of her money!
Then Susan she waltzed in; and if youâll believe me, she did give Hare-lip hark from the tomb!
Says I to myself, and this is another one that Iâm letting him rob her of her money!
Then Mary Jane she took another inning, and went in sweet and lovely againâwhich was her way; but when she got done there warnât hardly anything left oâ poor Hare-lip. So she hollered.
âAll right, then,â says the other girls; âyou just ask his pardon.â
She done it, too; and she done it beautiful. She done it so beautiful it was good to hear; and I wished I could tell her a thousand lies, so she could do it again.
I says to myself, this is another one that Iâm letting him rob her of her money. And when she got through they all jest laid theirselves out to make me feel at home and know I was amongst friends. I felt so ornery and low down and mean that I says to myself, my mindâs made up; Iâll hive that money for them or bust.
So then I lit outâfor bed, I said, meaning some time or another. When I got by myself I went to thinking the thing over. I says to myself, shall I go to that doctor, private, and blow on these frauds? Noâthat wonât do. He might tell who told him; then the king and the duke would make it warm for me. Shall I go, private, and tell Mary Jane? NoâI dasnât do it. Her face would give them a hint, sure; theyâve got the money, and theyâd slide right out and get away with it. If she was to fetch in help Iâd get mixed up in the business before it was done with, I judge. No; there ainât no good way but one. I got to steal that money, somehow; and I got to steal it some way that they wonât suspicion that I done it. Theyâve got a good thing here, and they ainât a-going to leave till theyâve played this family and this town for all theyâre worth, so Iâll find a chance time enough. Iâll steal it and hide it; and by and by, when Iâm away down the river, Iâll write a letter and tell Mary Jane where itâs hid. But I better hive it tonight if I can, because the doctor maybe hasnât let up as much as he lets on he has; he might scare them out of here yet.
So, thinks I, Iâll go and search them rooms. Upstairs the hall was dark, but I found the dukeâs room, and started to paw around it with my hands; but I recollected it wouldnât be much like the king to let anybody else take care of that money but his own self; so then I went to his room and begun to paw around there. But I see I couldnât do nothing without a candle, and I dasnât light one, of course. So I judged Iâd got to do the other thingâlay for them and eavesdrop. About that time I hears their footsteps coming, and was going to skip under the bed; I reached for it, but it wasnât where I thought it would be; but I touched the curtain that hid Mary Janeâs frocks, so I jumped in behind that and snuggled in amongst the gowns, and stood there perfectly still.
They come in and shut the door; and the first thing the duke done was to get down and look under the bed. Then I was glad I hadnât found the bed when I wanted it. And yet, you know, itâs kind of natural to hide under the bed when you are up to anything private. They sets down then, and the king says:
âWell, what is it? And cut it middlinâ short, because itâs better for us to be down there a-whoopinâ up the mourninâ than up here givinâ âem a chance to talk us over.â
âWell, this is it, Capet. I ainât easy; I ainât comfortable. That doctor lays on my mind. I wanted to know your plans. Iâve got a notion, and I think itâs a sound one.â
âWhat is it, duke?â
âThat we better glide out of this before three in the morning, and clip it down the river with what weâve got. Specially, seeing we got it so easyâgiven back to us, flung at our heads, as you may say, when of course we allowed to have to steal it back. Iâm for knocking off and lighting out.â
That made me feel pretty bad. About an hour or two ago it would a been a little different, but now it made me feel bad and disappointed, The king rips out and says:
âWhat! And not sell out the rest oâ the property? March off like a passel of fools and leave eight or nine thousânâ dollarsâ worth oâ property layinâ around jest sufferinâ to be scooped in?âand all good, salable stuff, too.â
The duke he grumbled; said the bag of gold was enough, and he didnât want to go no deeperâdidnât want to rob a lot of orphans of everything they had.
âWhy, how you talk!â says the king. "We shaânât rob âem of nothing at all but jest this money. The people that buys the property is the suffârers; because as soon âs itâs found out âat we didnât own itâwhich wonât be long after weâve slidâthe sale wonât be valid, and it âll all go back to the estate. These yer orphans âll git their house back agin, and thatâs enough for them; theyâre young and spry, and kân easy earn a livinâ. they ainât a-goin to suffer. Why, jest thinkâthereâs thousânâs and thousânâs that ainât nigh so well off. Bless you, they ainât got nothânâ to complain of.â
Well, the king he talked him blind; so at last he give in, and said all right, but said he believed it was blamed foolishness to stay, and that doctor hanging over them. But the king says:
âCuss the doctor! What do we kâyer for him? Hainât we got all the fools in town on our side? And ainât that a big enough majority in any town?â
So they got ready to go down stairs again. The duke says:
âI donât think we put that money in a good place.â
That cheered me up. Iâd begun to think I warnât going to get a hint of no kind to help me. The king says:
âWhy?â
âBecause Mary Jane âll
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