Caught in Us (Caught Series Book 4) - Kacey Shea (e manga reader .txt) 📗

hurt them, as much if not more than it did me. But it was worth it.

Or so I thought.

In my mind, Chase was a man who would have brought me down. His struggle with sobriety would have been my downfall. A co-dependent relationship would have been our demise.

Now I’m not so sure.

Everything I thought I knew, the hard truths, they’re built on a foundation of sand.

Chase isn’t struggling. He’s not screwed up. His life isn’t a mess.

Quite the opposite. He’s in a committed relationship. He’s sober and happy. Working and part of the community. He spends his freaking free time helping at-risk teens. And God, does he look good. Age has only heightened his features. The laugh lines around his eyes. The short beard along his jawline.

He could have been mine.

We could have been a family.

I didn’t have to give up my best friends to save my son.

I threw away everything for nothing.

Guilt presses on my chest, the ability to breathe freely temporarily suspended by this train of thought. I’m a horrible person. A horrible mother. Oh, God. What have I done? How can I even try to make up for this? For keeping my son from his father. For not giving Chase the opportunity to step up and be there. He’s missed so much—all moments I stole from him. How will he ever forgive me? Can I even forgive myself?

There’s something I need to do, a small offering in the face of what I denied him.

Me: Can we meet tonight? I can come to you.

Chase: I’ll be at the teen center from six to ten.

Me: I’ll be there.

I head outside to join Simon and watch my son, but my thoughts are filled with apprehension. Tucked inside my suitcase is a small package I brought just in case. It won’t fix things or make up for the years, but it’s all I can offer and hopefully it’s enough.

22

Alicia

One and a half years ago

Dear Chase,

Today was a hard day. It should have been one filled with joy and celebration. I should be overjoyed. Proud even, after the year I survived. Our son turned one today! It’s a big milestone.

I’m not close with anyone here and I didn’t feel like throwing a party for less than five people. It’s not as if he’s going to know; he’s only one. So I bought a cake, one of those smash cakes. I know, it’s ridiculous to pay for something he was only going to ruin. But honestly, it was worth it. His face and hands covered in frosting—it was the only time I smiled all day.

Because all I could think about was you.

No, that’s not entirely true. I thought about drinking too. Fantasized about how the liquor would taste. Even now, my veins buzz with a longing I can’t seem to shut off. A drink would feel so good right now. It would help this day get better. It would help me forget.

But that’s a lie. It wouldn’t help at all. It would ruin everything. And I’ve been sober for two and a half years. Yeah, it sounds impressive even to myself.

I was made to live. Not to merely exist. And I have so much to live for.

But sometimes, especially on days like today, I wonder . . . how you are. Did I make the right choice? Should I call you? Tell you? You deserve to meet your son.

But I’m terrified, Chase. Because I know how much I’m struggling to stay sober and I have everything to lose. I keep remembering how easily you slipped up after the hurricane, and how I was completely blindsided.

Before that, I thought together we were above our addiction. Stronger. Invincible. That’s what your love made me believe. I see the absurdity of it now. I was naïve to think we could outsmart our weakness. And I wonder, if I’d been more careful with my heart, would we have been better off?

Sometimes I think we would have. But I can’t regret you, because you gave me the greatest gift of my life. I don’t know when or if I’ll give you this letter, but I want you to know there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I come home to a reminder each day. I hope he gets the best parts of us. Your killer smiles. Tenacity and resilience. A kind soul. I never want him to know addiction, which is why I have to stay away.

I know myself too well. If I saw you, if you wrapped me in your arms, I’d believe anything is possible again. I’d risk my sobriety and our son’s life to be with you, I know I would. I don’t know if that makes me self-aware or pathetic. I hope one day you’ll understand. I pray you’re doing well. Finding joy. Staying sober. I wish nothing but the best for you, including love, even if it hurts to know it won’t be with me.

Alicia

As soon as I sign my name the tears come, silent sobs shaking my entire body. I fold the letter and set it on top of the others, then close the lid on the small keepsake box. I don’t know why I write to him. I’m not going to send them. But a piece of me, a foolish piece, still holds out hope. For what exactly, I don’t know.

Chase and I aren’t getting a second chance. There will be no happily ever after. Not when he finds out about Matthew. Which is why I have to stay away. There are some things in life that are unforgiveable. I’ve made my choices. I did what I had to do to protect our son. But I’ll never find peace in it, and maybe that’s the saddest part of it all.

23

Chase

Present Day

When Alicia texted, asking to see me so soon after dropping her and Matthew back at her parents’, I was intrigued. Distracted. Obsessed. It’s all I can think about. It’s why I