Solid Gold Cowboy - Maisey Yates (read ebook pdf .TXT) 📗

“Come on.”

She took his arm, and it was something like torture, and they walked down the street together, a strange pressing sense of panic making him want to choke. Because it was domestic. Because it was close to what he wanted, and what he could never have. Not with her, with anyone.

But then the clear Christmas lights illuminated her face and he couldn’t worry about it. Not anymore.

“Dylan will never do this with me.”

Dylan. How he hated the mention of that guy. That guy got to spend his days with her while Laz just got her nights, not in the way that he might like.

The streets were completely empty, the evergreen garlands illuminated by the thousands and thousands of lights wrapped around every support beam and every porch rail on Main Street. And then they stopped in front of the town Christmas tree, Jordan still clinging to his arm. She looked up at him, and he couldn’t breathe for a space of time. If she had been any other woman he would have kissed her. But if she had been any other woman he wouldn’t have gone on a romantic Christmas light walk two days before Christmas either.

“You need to figure out your sleep,” he said.

She laughed softly. “I don’t really want to. Because then we wouldn’t have this.”

“Yes,” he said, remembering the way the Christmas lights lit up her eyes. “I do know you hate that shit.”

“So it was perfect. Just the words. The regular words. The ones that you’re supposed to say. So I’d already heard them, and it was easy to practice. When I imagined saying them to him, when I imagined them being... Permanent and binding, I thought I was going to be sick. When I was supposed to go to the church I thought I was going be sick, so instead of going to the church I went to the bathroom and got on my knees and got ready to throw up.” She looked over at him. “Not in the dress.” She put her hand on her forehead. “So then I started driving to the church. After I put my dress on. And then I just kept driving. I kept driving and driving and I didn’t stop driving. I went to Medford. I went to In-N-Out Burger and ran in and got a milkshake. They still put the Bible verse on the bottom of the cup, did you know that?”

“I didn’t know there was a... I didn’t know that was the thing.”

“It is. I dipped French fries in the milkshake and sat on the bumper of my car and stared at nothing. There’s a mall there. That’s all there is to look at. I couldn’t go in to any stores, because I was in a wedding dress. So I just sat there. I considered driving to California. At that point, you’re only forty-five minutes away. I checked on the map.”

The image of her eating French fries triggered another memory. This one a lot more recent.

“The wedding is in two weeks.” She dipped a French fry into some ketchup and shoved it into her mouth. “And I... I’m not excited. Which scares me a little bit. Maybe it’s just because I don’t think it’s going to change anything. I’ll be legally bound to his family, which used to be the only thing I ever wanted. But... You know, you can’t choose your family. Like I can’t choose mine. Which is why I never speak to my parents, but they are still my parents. But I’m not sure... His family modeled a functional family for me but I’m not sure that I fit in with them any better. And I actually am choosing them, aren’t I? Except I always feel like they chose me and I have to be grateful for it.”

“Do they actually say that?”

She looked away. “I mean, a little.”

“That’s bullshit, Jordan.”

“Well. I’m the child of a couple of addicts that they would never even speak to, much less choose their daughter to marry their son. I just...”

“You’re going to let people make you feel like the daughter of addicts for the rest of your life? Make you feel like that’s all you are?”

“That’s not... It’s not them. It’s not... It’s just that I’m very conscious of the fact that I have to be careful. That I have to be mindful of what I could turn into if I’m not careful.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Maybe it isn’t. But I don’t have anyone else either. I’m so afraid of what’s going to happen to me if I end up alone.”

“You’ll never be alone. Not as long as you have me.”

“All right. So then you...”

“I kind of blanked out. I mean, I’m not really sure what all I did. I drove around. I just drove around. And then I turned back around and came here. And then... I came right here. Because it was the only place I knew... There’s nowhere else I can go. I don’t have anyone else. I just alienated everyone who has ever loved me.”

He chuckled. “Okay.”

“Except you. I... I’m not going to be able to sleep. This is when I can’t sleep anyway.”

She picked at a scarred part of the bar top.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said.

Her head shot up. “And go to where?”

“My house.”

“Your house.” She frowned.

In fairness, he had never had her out to his house before. She was his best friend, and he would claim that in pretty much any circle, but they had only ever really seen each other here. But then, that was pretty normal for him.

“What am I going to do at your house?”

“You’re going to sleep, Jordan. You are not staying up for more than twenty-four hours. You are not marinating in your own misery to the point that you can no longer stand on your own two feet.”

“Am I not?”

“No,” he said.

A new purpose turned over inside of him. And he realized... Well, he realized that he should have done a little telling her