a Pleasure Rites, #1 by Ines Johnson (top ten books of all time TXT) 📗

He would lie in his bed and remember every moment he'd spent with her, in detail. He gave another gentle shove to the memories.

Tonight, he promised.

"Speaking of the next generation," Elder Gerry turned and faced Jian, his excited face now somber. "I received a note. Your patron, Lord Dain, has returned to the Goddess."

Jian's breath ceased. He saw Lord Dain in his mind's eye. The picture of golden health. He hadn't fully believed Lord Dain when he said he was dying.

"We will light a candle in his memory," said Elder Gerry and then he moved on.

Sadness fell on Jian. He'd known Lord Dain a short time, but the thoughtful, generous, kind man left a strong imprint on Jian. He was a model of compassion. Had Lord Dain not been a first son, he would have made an excellent hound. Lord Khial would be devastated at the loss of his mate. So would—

"Elder Gerry."

They had moved to the common area of the temple. Bowed heads rose and turned to face Jian. He had spoken at a normal volume. Normal was too loud in the quiet temple.

Jian took large steps, in lieu of running, to catch up with his mentor. "Elder Gerry," he said, at a more agreeable volume. "Was there any news of the lady?"

Elder Gerry's eyes went sad as he nodded his head once more. Jian's gut clenched, alerting him before words passed Elder Gerry's lips that something was amiss.

Elder Gerry put his hand on Jian's shoulder. The weight of his hand heavy. "The lady lost the child."

Ice ran down Jian's back. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Elder Gerry's eyes widened in surprise. Jian's voice had risen to a shout.

"It was during the time you took your vows and were in seclusion."

Jian felt hollowed out.

"Where are you going," Elder Gerry called after him.

Jian hadn't realized his feet started moving. He headed back to the front door of the temple. The life-giving sun sat low on the horizon. Jian could see it’s decent into darkness. His foot bumped a ceremonial rug as he approached the threshold. With each step his heart pounded to life in his ears. If he made a step over that threshold, he'd break his vows. He might never be allowed to return to his home.

His feet never slowed as they stepped over the threshold and onto fresh grass.

He ran the distance to Lord Dain's, now Lady Chanyn's, home. Heart pounding louder with every step closer to her.

When he reached the door the manservant, Rianald, didn't look surprised to see him. He looked relieved.

"She's in her room," he said and closed the door behind Jian.

Jian took the steps two at a time. Arriving at her door, he paused. It was silent inside. He raised his hand and knocked.

No response.

He knocked once more.

Still no response.

He opened the door.

She lay in the bed, staring off into space, her hand cradling her belly. Jian noticed an untouched tray of food on a stand near her bed. He supposed he wasn't her first visitor, and that's why she didn't startle at his entry.

He went to the bed and sat down. That caught her attention.

She blinked up at him. Once, then twice before her face broke into recognition.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," his voice croaked.

"You're here."

"I am," he agreed.

She reached for his hand. Once it was within her grasp, she held it tightly to her heart, and closed her eyes once more.

Jian ran his free hand up the side of her face. His memory had done him a great justice. He'd remembered the angles of her jaw, the softness of her cheeks, the arch of her brows exactly, perfectly.

"I'm so sorry, my love." Jian stretched his body alongside hers and brought her into his arms.

"Don't be," she sighed. "He..." She squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them, Jian saw a sad sort of joy. "He was truly blessed. His entire life, everything and everyone he touched. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. But I will also be thankful for every day of his life that I got to share."

Jian tucked Chanyn's head into his chest and rubbed her back.

"I thought you took your vows?" she said.

"I did."

"But you said you couldn't leave again, after you took the vows."

"I couldn't ignore my heart breaking." He placed his hand over the space on her chest. She gripped it as though it were a lifeline.

He leaned down to kiss her, but at the last second, she pushed against his chest. A shudder went through her body. She clasped her hand over her mouth, leaped out of the bed, and dashed into the bathroom.

Jian heard the sounds of purging. He rushed to her side. Kneeling on the tiled floor, he held her hair. When she finished, he grabbed a towel and cleaned her up.

Then he studied her. "They told me you'd..."

"I did lose the first child."

"First?"

Chanyn nodded. "Then we tried again."

An irrational sweep of jealousy passed through Jian that Chanyn had engaged in love making without him present.

"I felt her, Jian," Chanyn's eyes were bright. "The Goddess. I felt her move through me to create this life inside me." She cradled her belly, her eyes filling with tears. "She gave us this life, and then she took Dain."

Jian looked down at Chanyn's belly. There was no bump through the fabric of her dress. The child in question couldn't be more than a few days old, but Jian didn't doubt the baby's existence.

He finished cleaning Chanyn up. Then he gathered her in his arms and carried her back to the bed. He bent over and laid her down gently. When he went to straighten, she clung to him.

"Stay," she pleaded.

When Jian left the temple nearly a half hour ago, he'd given no thought to where he would end up after he made certain Chanyn was well. Breaking vows was taken seriously, and Jian might very well not be invited back into the only home he ever knew. But he couldn't stay in the home