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anything, so I wrapped him in the sheet that was on the bed.  It was bloody, but it worked okay.  Then I tore that fuckinā€™ room apart till I found a set of keys to the cuffs ā€˜round my hands anā€™ wrists, anā€™ I got them off me.  Then I realized I was feelinā€™ cold, too.  Anā€™ remembered I was still butt-fuckinā€™ naked.  Standinā€™ in front of two dead men sloshed in blood.  Anā€™ one of ā€˜em was still lookinā€™ at me.  Wayne.  His eyes were open anā€™ his mouth was almost in a sneer, like he was mockinā€™ me.

Oh, shit, I had to get out of that room.  Right then.  But no fuckinā€™ way was I gonna leave Shayes there.  So I picked him up like I did before anā€™ carried him into the condo.

I carried him up to the master bathroom, ran a hot tub of water anā€™ lay him in it.  Anā€™ noticed blood in the water.  It seemed like an awful lot, so I checked him.  Found it was cominā€™ from his ass.  Guess I did do some damage.  Or maybe Lenny or Wayne did with some of their toys.  Probably more like what those fucksā€™d do.  Didnā€™t matter.  I only hesitated a second before I began to bathe him.  I held his head up like you do a babyā€™s anā€™ smoothed some elegant smelly lather ā€˜cross his chest anā€™ down his abs anā€™ over his pubes anā€™ into his butt anā€™ under his arms anā€™ up anā€™ down his legs.  Nice legs, I remember thinkinā€™, twenty years ago; good form to ā€˜em -- which was a fucked up thing to be thinkinā€™ at that moment.  I did it like Iā€™d been doinā€™ it for him all my life.  Then I washed his hair with some ā€œsalonā€ shit anā€™ rinsed it out, oh-so-carefully -- didnā€™t want any to get into his eyes.  When I was done, I propped him on my lap anā€™ used a couple of thick towels to dry him off.  They were nothinā€™ like his perfect towels anā€™ I hated usinā€™ ā€˜em on him, but they were all I could find.  Dunno why I did all this shit, but for some reason I...I -- shit, I just wanted him clean.

I lay him on the bed then dug through Wayneā€™s clothes, found some sweat pants anā€™ matchinā€™ hooded shirt, anā€™ I slipped them on him.  They were tight -- which surprised me; I thought Wayne was bigger ā€˜n that.  But they fit well enough.  He didnā€™t react to anything I did.  Then I left him there, in sight of the tub, anā€™ I took a shower.  A long hot shower.  Keepinā€™ an eye on him the whole time.  He didnā€™t budge.

I donā€™t remember havinā€™ anything like a real deliberate thought, at the time I was still too freaked out at what Iā€™d done, but now I can see -- I know I was beginninā€™ to hurt for him.  For what Iā€™d done to him.  Theyā€™d done to him.  Weā€™d done to him.  I knew what it meant.  For him.  What it was gonna mean.  Funny thing is, I wasnā€™t exactly sorry that it happened.  I was just sorry it had to happen like it did.  If that makes sense.

No.  No, it doesnā€™t.  It canā€™t.  Itā€™s a crazy fuckinā€™ thing to even think.

I taped my cut together anā€™ wrapped a washrag to it to help stop the bleedinā€™ before I grabbed some of Wayneā€™s clothes.  Anā€™ stopped.  If they barely fit Shayes, they werenā€™t gonna fit me.  But my jeans anā€™ shirt anā€™ shit were all in that -- that room.  No choice in the matter; I needed ā€˜em.

I wrapped a towel ā€˜round me anā€™ headed back down.  I opened the back door anā€™ started across the tiny-assed yard anā€™ got up to the door.  Itā€™d almost closed so I couldnā€™t see inside; all itā€™d take is a gentle push to open the door...but I froze the second I touched it.  My mind was back to functioninā€™ enough to know if I went in there Iā€™d have to face the fact that I -- I was a killer.  A murderer.  Times two.  Yeah, yeah, I know -- I did it in self-defense.  Sort of.  Theyā€™d have killed me if I hadnā€™t killed them.  Yap, yap, yap.  I still put myself in a situation where it couldā€™ve happened.  No, where it was bound to happen.  No excuse for that.

I was a killer.

A fuckinā€™ killer.

Holy shit, that hit me like a ton of bricks.  Lenny anā€™ fuckinā€™ Wayne.  Dead.  Murdered.  By me.  Aw shit, shit, shit, I never wanted anything like this to happen.  Swear to God, I didnā€™t.  We were just gonna fuck with a guy whoā€™d fucked with us.  Howā€™d it slam into such a crash anā€™ burn?

ā€˜Cause fuckinā€™ Wayne thought he so fuckinā€™ smart, he could fuck with me.  Thatā€™s how.  He thought I was just some dumb-as-dirt ex-con who didnā€™t have a clue on how to take care of himself.  That stupid -- stupid-shit son-of-a-bitch.  Shit.

Except he was right.  I didnā€™t know how to take care of myself.  I was so full of the idea that I was in control, I lost all control.  I got pulled around like some puppet who thinks itā€™s the one decidinā€™ where it walks anā€™ when it talks anā€™ how its lifeā€™s gonna go.  But once again, the second I thought I was makinā€™ my own decisions anā€™ choices, I got the rug pulled out from under anā€™ landed square in the shit.  Anā€™ now?  Now I didnā€™t know what the fuck to do.

Thatā€™s when my brain shut down.  Went into blank mode, again, anā€™ gave me a breather.  Thatā€™s when instinct took over in a cold clear way.  First off, I needed somethinā€™ to wear.  Wayneā€™s anā€™ Lennyā€™s clothesā€™d be too small for me; shit, they were too small for Shayes, anā€™ heā€™s

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