The Polar Bear Explorers' Club by Alex Bell (life changing books to read txt) 📗

And for a little while after that, everything was quiet. Then, all of a sudden, Stella’s suitcase started to move by itself. It jerked around several times before falling over on its side, causing the clasps to snap open. Gruff snorted in his sleep, but didn’t wake up, and nor did anyone else.

A few seconds later, a little wooden hand poked out of the case, followed by an arm and then a head. Slowly but surely, the puppet witch from the ice castle’s nursery climbed out of Stella’s luggage, the strings jerking around her as if an invisible puppet master were controlling them.

The witch’s burnt, blistered feet landed on Stella’s snowflake rug. Her gnarled wooden hands brushed at her skirt, knocking away the bits of fluff she’d picked up in the suitcase. She patted her pointed hat, making sure it was still attached to her head. Then she looked up, and gazed slowly around the room, taking in her surroundings before finally settling her painted eyes on Stella, sleeping soundly in her bed – completely oblivious to the fact that a witch puppet had just crawled out of her suitcase.

All by herself.

POLAR BEAR EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES

Polar Bear explorers will keep their moustaches trimmed, waxed and generally well-groomed at all times. Any explorer found with a slovenly moustache will be asked to withdraw from the club’s public rooms immediately.

Explorers with disorderly moustaches or unkempt beards will also be refused entry to the members-only bar, the private dining room and the billiards room without exception.

All igloos on club property must contain a flask of hot chocolate and an adequate supply of marshmallows at all times.

Only polar-bear-shaped marshmallows are to be served on club property. Additionally, the following breakfast items will be prepared in polar-bear-shape only: pancakes, waffles, crumpets, sticky pastries, fruit jellies and doughnuts. Please do not request alternative shapes or animals from the kitchen – including penguins, walruses, woolly mammoths or yetis – as this offends the chef.

Members are kindly reminded that when the chef is offended, insulted or peeved, there will be nothing on offer in the dining room whatsoever except for buttered toast. This toast will be bread-shaped.

Explorers must not hunt or harm unicorns under any circumstances.

All Polar Bear Explorers’ Club sleighs must be properly decorated with seven brass bells, and must contain the following items: five fleecy blankets, three hot water bottles in knitted jumpers, two flasks of emergency hot chocolate and a warmed basket of buttered crumpets (polar-bear-shaped).

Please do not take penguins into the club’s saltwater baths; they will hog the Jacuzzi.

All penguins are the property of the club and are not to be removed by explorers. The club reserves the right to search any suspiciously shaped bags. Any bag that moves by itself will automatically be deemed suspicious.

All snowmen built on club property must have appropriately groomed moustaches. Please note that a carrot is not a suitable object to use as a moustache. Nor is an aubergine. If in doubt, the club president is always available for consultation regarding snowmen’s moustaches.

It is considered bad form to threaten other club members with icicles, snowballs or oddly dressed snowmen.

Whistling ducks are not permitted on club property. Any member found with a whistling duck in his possession will be asked to leave.UPON INITIATION, ALL POLAR BEAR EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

One tin of Captain Filibuster’s Expedition-Strength Moustache Wax.

One bottle of Captain Filibuster’s Scented Beard Oil.

One folding pocket moustache comb.

One ivory-handled shaving brush, two pairs of grooming scissors and four individually wrapped cakes of luxurious foaming shaving soap.

Two compact pocket mirrors.

OCEAN SQUID EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES

Sea monsters, kraken and giant squid trophies are the private property of the club, and cannot be removed to adorn private homes. Explorers will be charged for any decorative tentacles that are found to be missing from their rooms.

Explorers are not to fraternise – or join forces – with pirates or smugglers during the course of any official expedition.

Poisonous puffer fish, barbed wire jellyfish, saltwater stingrays and electric eels are not appropriate fillings for pies and/or sandwiches. Any such requests sent to the kitchen will be politely rejected.

Explorers are kindly asked to refrain from offering to show the club’s chef how to prepare sea snakes, sharks, crustaceans or deep-sea monsters for human consumption. This includes the creatures listed in rule number three. Please respect the expert knowledge of the chef.

The Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club does not consider the sea cucumber to be a trophy worthy of reward or recognition. This includes the lesser-found biting cucumber, as well as the singing cucumber and the argumentative cucumber.

Any Ocean Squid explorer who gifts the club with a tentacle from the screeching red devil squid will be rewarded with a year’s supply of Captain Ishmael’s Premium Dark Rum.

Please do not leave docked submarines in a submerged state – it wreaks havoc with the club’s valet service.

Explorers are kindly asked not to leave deceased sea monsters in the hallways or any of the club’s communal rooms. Unattended sea monsters are liable to be removed to the kitchens without notice.

The South Seas Navigation Company will not accept liability for any damage caused to their submarines. This includes damage caused by giant squid attacks, whale ambushes and jellyfish plots.

Explorers are not to use the map room to compare the length of squid tentacles or other trophies. Kindly use the marked areas within the trophy rooms to settle any private wagers or bets.

Please note: any explorer who threatens another explorer with a harpoon cannon will be suspended from the club immediately.UPON INITIATION, ALL OCEAN SQUID EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

One tin of Captain Ishmael’s Kraken Bait.

One kraken net.

One engraved hip flask filled with Captain Ishmael’s Expedition-Strength Salted Rum.

Two sharpened fishing spears and three bags of hunting barbs.

Five tins of Captain Ishmael’s Harpoon Cannon Polish.

DESERT JACKAL EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES

Magical flying carpets are to be kept tightly