The Polar Bear Explorers' Club by Alex Bell (life changing books to read txt) 📗

rolled when on club premises. Any damage caused by out-of-control flying carpets will be considered the sole responsibility of the explorer in question.

Enchanted genie lamps must stay in their owner’s possession at all times.

Please note: genies are strictly prohibited at the bar and at the bridge tables.

Tents are for serious expedition use only, and are not to be used to host parties, gatherings, chinwags, or chit-chats.

Camels must not be permitted – or encouraged – to spit at other club members.

Jumping cactuses are not allowed inside the club unless under exceptional circumstances.

Please do not remove flags, maps or wallabies from the club.

Club members are not permitted to settle disagreements via camel racing between the hours of midnight and sunrise.

The club kangaroos, coyotes, sand cats and rattlesnakes are to be respected at all times.

Members who wish to keep all their fingers are advised not to torment the giant desert hairy scorpions, irritate the bearded vultures or vex the spotted desert recluse spiders.

Explorers are kindly asked to refrain from washing their feet in the drinking water tureens at the club’s entrance, which are provided strictly for our members’ refreshment.

Sand forts may be constructed on club grounds, providing explorers empty all sand from their sandals, pockets, bags, binocular cases and helmets before entering the club.

Explorers are asked not to take camel decoration to extremes. Desert Jackal Explorers’ Club camels may wear a maximum of one jewelled necklace, one tasselled headdress and/or bandana, seven plain gold anklets, up to four knee bells and one floral snout decoration.

UPON INITIATION, ALL DESERT JACKAL EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

One foldable leather safari hat or one pith helmet.

One canister of tropical-strength giant desert hairy scorpion repellent.

One shovel (please note this object’s usefulness in the event of being buried alive in a sandstorm).

One camel-grooming kit, consisting of: organic camel shampoo, camel eyelash curlers, head brush, toenail trimmers and hoof-polishers (kindly provided by the National Camel Grooming Association).

Two spare genie lamps and one spare genie bottle.

JUNGLE CAT EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES

Members of the Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club shall refrain from picnicking in a slovenly manner. All expedition picnics are to be conducted with grace, poise and elegance.

All expedition picnicware must be made from solid silver, and kept perfectly polished at all times.

Champagne-carrier hampers must be constructed from high-grade wickerwork, premium leather or teak wood. Please note that champagne carriers considered ‘tacky’ will not be accepted onto the luggage elephant under ANY circumstances.

Expedition picnics will not take place unless there are scones present. Ideally, there should also be magic lanterns, pixie cakes and an assortment of fairy jellies.

Oriental whip snakes, alligator snapping turtles, horned baboon tarantulas and flying panthers must be kept securely under lock and key whilst on club premises.

Do not torment or tease the jungle fairies. They will bite and may also catapult their tormentors with tiny, but extremely potent, stink-berries. Please be warned that stink-berries smell worse than anything you can imagine, including unwashed feet, mouldy cheese, elephant poo and hippopotamus burps.

Jungle fairies must be allowed to join expedition picnics if they bring an offering of any of the following: elephant cakes, striped giraffe scones, or fizzy tiger punch from the Forbidden Jungle Tiger Temple.

Jungle fairy boats have right of way on the Tikki Zikki River under all circumstances, including when there are piranhas present.

Spears are to be pointed away from other club members at all times.

When travelling by elephant, explorers are kindly asked to supply their own bananas.

If and when confronted by an enraged hippopotamus, a Jungle Cat explorer must remain calm and act with haste to avoid any damage befalling the expedition boat (please note that the Jungle Navigation Company expects all boats to be returned to them in pristine condition).

Members are courteously reminded that – due to the size and smell of the beasts in question – the club’s elephant house is not an appropriate venue in which to host soirees, banquets, galas or shindigs. Carousing of any kind in the elephant house is strictly prohibited.UPON INITIATION, ALL JUNGLE CAT EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

An elegant mother-of-pearl knife and fork, inscribed with the explorer’s initials.

One silverware polishing kit.

One engraved Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club napkin ring and five luxury linen napkins – ironed, starched and embossed with the club’s insignia.

One magic lantern with fire pixie.

One tin of Captain Greystoke’s Expedition-Flavour Smoked Caviar.

One corkscrew, two Scotch egg knives and three wicker grape baskets.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank my new agent, Thérèse Coen, who championed Polar Bears from the very beginning, first at the Madeleine Milburn Literary Agency, and now at Hardman and Swainson. Many thanks to everyone at both agencies.

I would also like to acknowledge Carolyn Whitaker, of London Independent Books, who sadly passed away last year. She became my literary agent when I was nineteen and offered a wealth of advice, wisdom, encouragement and opportunities over the eleven years that followed. She was the first person from the world of publishing who believed in my writing, and I could not have become a published author without her. Given that this is all I have ever wanted to do – I owe her a great deal.

I’ve got to mention New Orleans as well. This city is full of music, creativity and magic, and I happened to visit during a low time when my artist’s soul was very much in need of nourishing. I had almost made up my mind to put the manuscript for Polar Bears away in a drawer, but this trip gave me the drive to submit it, come what may. Thank you, NOLA, and laissez les bons temps rouler again one day, I hope.

I’m delighted that Polar Bears found a home with Faber, and would like to thank Leah Thaxton, Natasha Brown, Hannah Love and everyone else there who has shown such love and affection for the book. You’re all amazing.

I’d also like to thank fellow writers, Sarwat Chadda, Natasha Ngan, James Noble, Louie Stowell,