The Galaxy, and the Ground Within by Becky Chambers (read along books txt) 📗

cheeks going purple, but she reined it in and took a breath. ‘I’m apologising for pushing you on topics you didn’t want to get into. You didn’t want to go there, and I … didn’t have the wherewithal to recognise that. And I should have, even though I don’t – I mean, obviously we don’t see eye to eye.’

Speaker met Pei’s gaze with unflinching directness. ‘I don’t think you’re a bad person, Captain Tem. There are few people who are truly bad through and through. I still don’t know you. I know you better, from what I’ve seen in here. I think you mean well. I think you want to help people, even though we have very different ideas of what that means. But I won’t pretend that I’m comfortable with what you do and what you’re a part of. I can’t look at you and say, “Oh, I like her as a person, so I’ll ignore the life she lives.” That’s exactly the sort of thinking that allows problems to persist. So, if you want me to apologise in return, if you want me to take back what I said in the garden, I won’t. I told the truth. Nothing about tonight changes that.’

‘Pei.’

Speaker blinked. ‘Sorry?’

‘You can call me Pei,’ she said. ‘That’s my name. That’s what friends call me.’

‘I … don’t understand. We—’

Pei shook her palm at whatever Speaker was about to say. ‘We’re not friends. I’m not sure that we could be. I don’t have any shame about my work, and I don’t agree with your take on it. I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t piss me off. But I do respect you, and your honesty. I respect somebody with the strength to say things you know will piss somebody off, because you believe what you believe. And given that, plus all that’s happened tonight, it would be weird for you to keep addressing me like a stranger.’

‘What are we, if not strangers and not friends?’

‘I have no idea.’

The Akarak thought about that. ‘All right,’ she said. ‘Pei.’ She cocked her head. ‘Do you need to rest, once I get back? I don’t know what your sleep cycle is like, but especially since …’ She gestured broadly at Pei’s shimmering scales.

Now it was Pei’s turn to be confused. ‘What about it?’

‘I – sorry, I have no idea what your reproductive cycle feels like,’ Speaker said. ‘I know that for my species, it’s common to feel tired while growing a clutch.’

‘It’s not like that for us. If anything, I’m restless.’

‘I see,’ Speaker said. ‘Are you looking forward to going to the creche? To coupling, or however it works?’

Pei had meant what she said about respecting honesty, but stars, Speaker wasn’t shy. ‘That’s a blunt question, seeing as how we’re not friends.’

‘Since you don’t know what we are, then how do you know what sorts of questions are too blunt?’

An annoying retort, but Pei couldn’t argue it, and was too tired to keep her thoughts to herself any longer. ‘I’m feeling … complicated about it.’

‘Because of your Human partner?’

‘No, stars – dammit, see, that’s exactly – that’s exactly my problem.’ Pei exhaled. ‘I can explain, but do you actually care?’

Speaker shrugged. ‘I’m curious, at least.’

Pei laughed shortly, her cheeks pale green. ‘I guess that’s good enough.’ She crossed her arms over her chest and gathered her thoughts. ‘How much do you know about the whole thing my species has about relationships like that?’

‘Nothing, really, other than it’s a common taboo.’

‘Okay. The rationale goes that the more time you spend around other species, the more their cultures start to influence you. This is generally seen as a good thing. Most of us would encourage this. But if you extend that influence to a romantic relationship, the thinking goes that there’s a danger of you abandoning the Aeluon way of doing things in that regard, which—’

‘Which means if you start to shimmer, you might not act on it.’

‘That’s the gist, yes.’

‘And … sorry, but what’s the problem with not acting on it?’

‘We don’t reproduce easily, and we only get a chance or two, at most. Not acting on your shimmer is a wasted opportunity. No, it’s worse than that. You’re letting everybody down, kind of.’ Pei struggled to articulate her point. She’d never had to explain this in words before, and she wasn’t getting the nuance right. ‘You’ve failed, if you let your shimmer go. You’ve failed the species.’

Speaker thought about this. ‘Is this because of the bottleneck? Your near extinction?’

‘I honestly don’t know. Probably, now that I’m thinking about it. It’s just baked in, at this point. We take it for granted.’

‘Well, if that is the rationale, why would concerns over population growth apply anymore? You’re one of the most well-established species in the GC. You’re everywhere.’

‘Yeah, but that’s not the point. The point is, this idea’s been around for a long, long time, and it’s … it’s calcified. Doesn’t matter that there are billions of us on dozens of different worlds. Interspecies relationships are just not done. At least, not by most.’

‘I was going to say, I met two Aeluons once in Reskit who were part of a feather family. You’re definitely not alone in this.’

‘No, but those people are on the fringes, and I … am not. It would not go well for me, if the people I work with found out.’

Speaker squinted at her. ‘But you said your feelings about your shimmer have nothing to do with … sorry, what’s his name?’

‘Ashby. And see, that’s exactly the thing I don’t fucking understand, because he’s not the problem at all. Humans tend to get all their wires crossed in this arena, but he and I talked about shimmering when it first became obvious this was an arrangement we wanted to continue. He understands the difference between social sex and reproductive sex – he really does. His pilot’s Aandrisk, and they’re close, so he already had an introduction to the concept. It’s not the same, of