The Galaxy, and the Ground Within by Becky Chambers (read along books txt) 📗

‘He has an open mind. And a willingness to accommodate cultural norms beyond his own.’

‘Yes.’

‘So this isn’t about you not wanting to couple with someone other than him.’

‘No. Not at all. And that’s what’s so infuriating, because I know it’s only a matter of time before people – my people, I mean – find out about him and me. I know it. It’s gone on for too long, and I don’t want to lose him, so being open about it is the only other option. So if I don’t go to a creche but I do go to my Human partner, then … well, then it doesn’t matter why I let my shimmer go – I’ve become exactly the cautionary tale all of this bullshit is based around, even though Ashby wouldn’t be my reason for it at all.’

‘Then what is your reason?’

‘I don’t know.’ Pei rubbed her face in frustration. ‘There is no reason why I don’t want to do this. I’m healthy. I’m clearly capable. Everybody I know who’s ever gone to a creche comes back saying it’s a fantastic time. I’d have tendays to just lie around and have sex and be catered to. I like kids. I like being around kids. I imagine visiting my own would be nice. I have a partner who understands, and friends who would be thrilled, and … there’s no reason not to.’

Speaker looked at her for a moment. ‘Of course there is,’ she said. ‘You don’t want to.’

‘That’s not a reason. That’s a feeling. Feelings have to have reason.’

‘Since when?’

‘All feelings stem from something. Even if you can’t see it right away, there’s always something way down there at the root causing it to happen. Like fish. I’m terrified of the fish we get back on Sohep Frie. Just seeing vids of them makes me twitch. I’ve been that way my whole life, and I never thought there was any reason for it, until one time, a few standards ago, I was visiting my fathers, and somehow me being scared of fish came up. And my father Gilen, he thinks this is … oh, there’s not a word for this colour arrangement in Klip. Sad-funny, I guess. Sorry, it’s hard thinking back on a colour conversation and having to translate it into sound.’

‘I imagine it would be.’

‘Anyway, he says that one of my older siblings once told me that the schools of shiver fish we’d see on beach trips would eat me. It apparently took my fathers forever to get me to go swimming again after that. I have no memory of this, at all, but I guess it stuck. It’s the same principle with this. Somewhere in me, there is a reason why I don’t want to do this. I just haven’t figured it out yet.’

Speaker pondered. ‘Are you aware that my legs aren’t typical for my species?’

‘I … wasn’t, actually. Sorry.’

‘Don’t be. That’s why I asked. It’s a genetic condition. I have limited use of them, compared to Akaraks who are built otherwise.’

‘Oh. I’m sorry.’

‘Again: don’t be. I’m not.’ Speaker shifted her weight and clicked her beak. ‘Two standards ago, Tracker and I were at a market stop. She was having a rough stretch with her lungs, so we found a doctor. The doctor in question was Laru, and I’m sure you’re aware of their species’ proclivity for genetic medical therapy.’

‘I’ve heard that, yeah.’

‘Right. So, this doctor helps Tracker with her trouble, and even though we weren’t there for me, she gave me a check-up as well, because why not. Three days later, she contacted us, and she says, you know, I’ve been running simulations since you were here, and I’m confident I could give you new legs.’

‘What, in a genetweak box or something?’

‘Yes. Basically, she’d put me in stasis and I’d spend the next four tendays in a genetic manipulation module – a genetweak box, as you say – and when I awoke, I’d have new legs. I’d have to relearn how to use them, but it wouldn’t hurt. I wouldn’t be aware of anything that happened while I was out. She talked me through the whole procedure, and said Tracker could be there with me the whole time. Given the good care she’d provided Tracker, I trusted her. I liked her. I don’t always say that about doctors. But everything she proposed seemed safe and above board.’

‘But you didn’t do it.’

‘No, I didn’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I didn’t want to,’ Speaker said simply.

‘But why?’

‘Because I didn’t want to. And when it comes to a person’s body, that is all the reason there ever needs to be. Doesn’t matter if it’s a decision about a new pair of legs or how you like to trim your claws or—’ she gave Pei a piercing look ‘—what to do about an egg. I didn’t want to. You don’t want to. That’s it.’

‘But—’ Pei started.

Speaker leaned forward. ‘That. Is all. It ever needs to be.’

Pei frowned, her colours swirling uneasily. Inside, she balked at what Speaker was getting at, and took it as proof that Speaker didn’t understand, that you could explain cultural differences all day long, but in the end, there were some gaps you just couldn’t fill. But a sliver within her gravitated hard toward the Akarak’s sentiment, begging the rest of her to come along. Pei was unnerved by this, and her cheeks tinted red. ‘Why are you even having this conversation with me?’

‘Because it’s interesting,’ Speaker said. ‘And because I think you needed to have it.’ She stretched her neck, rocking her head from side to side. ‘And speaking of needs, I have to go tend to myself. I’ll try to not be more than half an hour.’

Speaker clanked away, leaving Pei with the monitor, the unconscious Laru, and a few too many thoughts that needed sifting through. Tupo exhaled loudly, as xe did from time to time. The sound meant nothing, but Pei’s implant interpreted it as sad and impatient, the non-verbal complaint of someone who