Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus by Kathleen Bogle (e book reader android txt) 📗

KB: You said that you’re not really sure why things fizzled out

[between you and the guy you have been hooking up with repeatedly] but do you feel like it was more one person’s doing than the other? Was it more him or more you?

Liz: It was more him. We had this talk once because people started labeling us as like “together.” And that freaked him out because, I don’t even know why. He didn’t [want that].

He was like: “Whoa! I just got here. I don’t want a girlfriend.

I’m not hooking up with anyone else right now, but I don’t want to be labeled as like hooking up with just one person.” You know what I’m saying? [He didn’t] want it to be like:

“Oh, there’s Liz and oh where’s [your boyfriend] John?” Whatever.

Both in college and after, women were interested in pursuing relationships with marriage potential sooner than men were interested in doing so. The idea that a woman’s “clock is ticking” while a man has

“all the time in the world” fundamentally affects who holds the power.

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Thus, the hookup era’s power dynamic carries over postcollege. Many of the alumni women I spoke with discussed the challenge they faced in trying to get the men in whom they were interested to commit to them.

KB: How did you know you were together [in a relationship]?

Did you verbalize it?

Raquel: I had been calling him my boyfriend from the very beginning . . . but he’s very handsome and . . . he had a bunch of women he was juggling in the beginning and they fell by the wayside and I was the one still standing . . . he would not call me his girlfriend until one day in August when we went out to dinner and ran into somebody and he introduced me as his girlfriend. That was the first time I ever heard those words, and I was like: “Thank God!” He was a battle in the beginning; he never wanted to have a girlfriend . . . I had to work hard for this relationship. I was like: “I don’t know what to do.” He will only see me once every two weeks and only call me once every two weeks.

KB: So you were hoping, almost from the beginning, that it would develop more and were kind of waiting until he was ready?

Raquel: Yeah.

KB: When you said he was a battle and you put a lot of work in

[during] the beginning [of the relationship], other than waiting and hoping he was going to ask you out more, what else did you feel like you were doing to put in work?

Raquel: It’s putting in the brainpower and working to mold him into thinking I am his girlfriend and keeping myself back and not bother[ing] him . . . I had to really bite my tongue and try hard not to nag him. [I had to] let him take his time and make his decision about whether I was right for him. . . . I didn’t want to hound him, or ask too many questions. I just wanted to be the sweet, nice person that I am. It was like working really hard to prove to him that I was someone he wanted to be with. It did work out and I knew he and I would be good together, but I had to work hard at not pushing too hard. I was like: “What can I do to make this decision easier for you?” He said: “Keep doing what you are doing. Everything you are doing is great.” [24-year-old alumnus of State University]

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Many of the women I interviewed had a story similar to Raquel’s: a woman who was involved, sexually and otherwise, with a man often wanted that man to be in an exclusive relationship with her. When the two parties were not on the same page, women struggled with whether to keep “hanging on” with the hope of a happy ending or to “move on” and start searching for a new partner. These women found it very difficult to end a relationship, even when they were not satisfied with its quality. For college women this sometimes came in the form of booty-call relationships or repeat hookup relationships with a man they were hoping would eventually agree to a committed relationship (i.e., “seeing each other” or “going out”). Unfortunately, these women were often disappointed when hooking up failed to evolve into something more than that. This difficulty became amplified for alumni women who were looking for a boyfriend and ultimately a potential lifelong mate.

Despite women’s interest in finding boyfriends, many reported that the men they were interested in pursuing a relationship with were hesitant to be in an exclusive relationship. Several alumni women indicated that this problem led to an “on again, off again” relationship while the tug-of-war over commitment was fought.

Shana: He’s not ready to commit. He wants to keep playing and I just can’t sit around anymore because it hurts too much. All of his like, other people.

KB: Other girls?

Shana: Yeah.

KB: So he wants to be involved with you, but wants it to be a nonexclusive thing?

Shana: [Right, so] . . . then it comes to the point where he says: “We have to talk.” And I am like: “Oh great! [sarcastic tone] Here we go.” . . . We are famous for having talks. [He says]: “I want to make sure we are on the same page, that you realize that I am still not ready to commit to you. I can see us in the future together, but not right now.” A relationship with someone is not in his plan. He needs to accomplish some things in his career and be settled. He is very analytical and logical and he thinks he can be analytical and