The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance - Giulia Lagomarsino (best book club books of all time TXT) 📗

“You know what’s hard to handle?” I asked. “You putting that stupid hair catcher in the drain. Did you ever think that I like clogging up the drain so I can pull that disgusting clump of hair out?”

His eyes widened comically and he looked like he would throw up. “That’s disgusting.”

“Exactly. Maybe I’ll take my disgusting habits and sleep on the couch tonight.”

“That won’t be necessary,” he said, standing and shoving back his chair. “I’m the man. I’ll take the couch.”

I snorted. “I think we both know who wears the pants in this relationship.”

Ryan stormed off and I sat there with Piper and Ryder while Paige played with the food on her plate, completely ignoring us all.

“You and Dad have weird fights,” Piper said, finishing her food.

I sighed and tossed my napkin down on the table. This was definitely one for the books.

Chapter Four

Cap

“So, what did you come up with?” I asked Ice’s team as they sat around the table.

“You were serious about doing this?” Chris asked. “Come on, this shit is ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous or not, one of your teammates needs your help and we’re going to provide it. Now, Knight has already given us his portion and I’m working on mine as we speak-“

Lola came storming into the room and slammed a piece of paper down in front of me.

“What’s this?”

“It’s my list for the manual.”

I glanced down at it and frowned. “But there’s only one thing written on it.”

“Exactly,” she said, storming out of the room.

“What does it say?” Ice asked curiously.

I cleared my throat. “Don’t discuss the relationship manual with your spouse.”

Ice, Chris, and Jules all exchanged looks, and then Chris nodded. “That seems like solid advice.”

“Alright, so from your experience, what are some things you would give as advice.”

“Don’t watch Lifetime movies,” Jules said instantly. I glared at him, but he shook his head at me. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

“Neither do you,” Ice shot back.

“Do too.”

“You’re telling me that you actually remember that happening? Because you’ve been telling all of us that you don’t actually remember all the shit from your past. Or is the amnesia storyline just a bunch of bullshit for you to whip out whenever necessary.”

“Fine,” he huffed. “I don’t actually remember the incident in question, but I remember the anger. I’m telling you, you don’t get pissed over something like that unless it really sucks.”

I cleared my throat and added to Lola’s note Stay away from Lifetime movies.

“Okay, aside from Lifetime movies, what other words of wisdom would you share with your fellow man?”

“Well, there’s the accidental fucking,” Ice said, clearing his throat.

“Christ, not this again,” Chris muttered. “It’s not a thing. You could have stopped it at any time.”

“You know what? Fuck you. You weren’t there. It’s a real thing. And not just anyone can get away with it. You can’t just fall asleep next to any woman and accidentally fuck her. There has to be built up passion. Hate. A desire to watch her burn in hell. It’s like hate sex, except, you get to make the excuse that it was never meant to happen, because it was ALL AN ACCIDENT!”

“And there’s a distinction between hate sex and accidental fucking?” I asked. “I mean, I need to be clear on this for the record. I can’t pass down bad intel to our sons.”

“Oh, there’s a distinction alright, and if you don’t know that, you have no business accidentally fucking.”

I rolled my eyes at his irritation and sighed. “Alright, lay it out for me.”

Ice nodded and leaned forward, like this was some kind of business transaction or very important meeting. “Hate sex is two people that hate each other, but still choose to have sex, and still hate each other afterward. It’s filled with passion and need, driven by a desire to release the lust from your body. The expectation is that you will fuck the hate out of each other or fuck until you no longer feel the lust. But that doesn’t work very often, and usually the couple ends up together. Accidental fucking is something entirely different. It really is completely an accident. I swear to God. Your dick wasn’t supposed to go into her, but it was right there, and the moisture was pulling you in. You were powerless to stop it-“

“Alright,” I winced. “We get the point. I don’t need a visual.”

“Usually, when she realizes what’s about to happen and her body feels that same pull, you just sort of slide together and start fucking. This CAN NOT be faked. It either happens or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, you’re hate fucking. Along with the accidental fucking is the acknowledgement afterwards by both parties that it was an accident and should never have happened.”

“Great,” I muttered. “So glad to have that all cleared up.”

“Oh,” Ice pointed to the paper. “Add not to do this if you’re already in a relationship with said woman.”

“Really?” Chris deadpanned. “You don’t think someone would be smart enough to know that already?”

“Hey, it happened with Lindsey right after the whole shot to the heart thing. Hand to God, it wasn’t supposed to happen. I was as weak as a kitten. There’s no way it should have happened, but it did. And then…yeah, I totally said it was an accidental fucking.”

“You said that?” Jules asked. “Dude, that’s harsh.”

“What? The doctor was there, and she was pissed at me for fucking that soon after surgery. But the way you get around all that is to be severely injured.”

I looked up from what I was doing, my face pinching in confusion. “What?”

“Yeah, she can’t kill you if you’re severely injured.”

“Alright,” I sighed, tapping the pen against the paper. “I think that thoroughly covers accidental fucking.”

“No, wait. I have rules.”

“You have rules for accidental fucking?” Jules asked.

“Hey, this is supposed to be a manual, right? You wouldn’t want the owner’s manual for a car to exclude the maintenance schedule.”

“I’m pretty sure a man could figure that out,” Jules muttered.

Ice glared at