The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance - Giulia Lagomarsino (best book club books of all time TXT) 📗

him. “Just you wait. One of these days, you’re gonna accidentally fuck someone, and you’ll be glad that you know the rules.”

“I’m married,” he reminded him.

“Oh, for the love of God,” I shouted. “Can we just get this over with?”

“I have just four rules.”

“Thank fuck. I can’t wait to end this,” I muttered.

“Rule one, you have to make the transition smooth. There’s no whipping out your dick and being like, whoops, my dick is out and we should have sex now. You need to make sure that the scene is set ahead of time and that she’s totally willing, but unaware that it’s about to happen.”

“Then it’s not an accident,” Chris pointed out. “If you’re setting the scene for an accidental fucking, it’s no longer an accident.”

Ice glared at him and held out two fingers. “Rule two, hate is a must. Unfortunately, if you hate the woman, there aren’t many chances for an accidental fucking. You have to set the scene so that there is no possible way that this won’t occur. For instance, if you accidentally burn down her place of business and offer her a place to live,” he said under his breath. “Now, I’m not suggesting you actually do that, but it’s one way to ensure that she needs a place to stay. It also helps if you only have one bedroom in your house.”

“Yeah?” I asked. “And what happens if she doesn’t accidentally fuck you, but you’ve offered her a place to stay?”

“Then you have an annoying bedmate.”

“So…scratch that idea?”

“Maybe,” Ice nodded. “I mean, it worked for me, but the chances that any other guy could get it to work are-“

“Infinitesimal,” Chris added.

“Anyway,” Ice continued. “Accidental fucking can only occur if you’re already naked. Your dick doesn’t accidentally slip out of your boxers in the middle of the night and into her vagina.”

“So, how did you manage it?” I asked.

“Well,” he shrugged sheepishly. “I was already being an asshole to her. I refused to sleep with clothes on, and she just happened to sleep in just a shirt.”

“Again,” Jules interrupted. “Not a situation the average male would find himself in.”

“Rule four, sleeping in the same bed is vital. I can’t imagine any other scenario in which this would work. Accidental fucking will most likely occur in the morning, so make sure you wake up before her. You’re the more likely party to engage in accidental fucking. If she wakes up before you, she may try to remove herself from the situation before anything can happen. Then you’ve lost your shot altogether.”

“And again,” Chris sighed, “If you’re setting the scene, it’s not accidental fucking. Face it, man. You didn’t accidentally fuck her. There is no such thing. You fucked her because you wanted to, and you’ve used it as an excuse ever since.”

“I have not!” Ice shot back. “It was all an accident. Our whole fucking relationship was one series of accidents. If I hadn’t accidentally gotten her business burned down, she wouldn’t have stayed with me. I wouldn’t have accidentally fucked her. I wouldn’t have accidentally gotten her pregnant and-“

“What?” Lindsey shrieked from the doorway. I hadn’t seen her there, but…well, this was going to be good. “Our whole relationship was an accident? Is that like how you accidentally kissed another woman? Or how you were accidentally an asshole that left me without food for days?”

I winced, but wisely did not get involved.

“Princess-“

“Don’t you dare Princess me! I can’t believe you’re still pulling that shit. Well, now you can figure out how to accidentally get a divorce.”

She turned and stomped out of the room. Ice glared at me. “Thanks for the heads up, man.”

I shrugged. “I accidentally didn’t see her.”

He got up and ran out the door after her, calling her name. I looked at Chris and Jules. “So, maybe this one should go in the garbage?”

“I think that would be wise,” Chris nodded.

Chapter Five

Hunter

“So, as I was saying,” Derek continued, “I would like to title my chapter Twenty Different Superheroes and Scenarios To Keep Your Woman Happy.”

I groaned, shaking my head. “No. No other man in his right mind would do that shit. You’re the only one crazy enough to dress up as a superhero to get your girl to fuck you.”

He leaned forward on the table and glared at me. “You’re missing the point of all this. I don’t do it so she’ll fuck me. I do it because it keeps things interesting, and she enjoys it. It seems to me that you’re missing out on some very key information here.”

“Do I really need to be here for this?” Knight asked.

“I agree,” Alec sighed. “This doesn’t have anything to do with me. And trust me, I’ve fucked up a lot with Florrie. I could write the whole damn book myself. All this superhero crap is a waste of time. It’s not going to be useful to anyone that wants a real relationship. Now, if you want advice on how to not fuck up your relationship, I’m your man.”

“Yeah,” Knight snorted. “Because everyone wants to take advice from the man that cheated on his woman.”

“Better me than the man that pretended to kill himself and put his woman through a year of hell,” Alec shot back.

“Can I just point out that while all of you are over there living your dramatic lives that constantly put you on the brink of death, my woman is happy and healthy at home,” Derek said. “In fact, I would say that she’s waiting for me right at this very moment, waiting to live out her next fantasy.”

“Unlike you,” I said, “I don’t need fantasies with Lucy.”

“Look, being a superhero for your woman is a very unique way of getting a woman to not only stay creative in the bedroom, but also to introduce some adventure into her life. How many times have you been out on a date and the inevitable comes up?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The opera,” he said slowly. “You know what I’m talking about.