Not So Short Shorts - Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (best historical fiction books of all time txt) 📗

you later; and you know what I mean by that, don't you?

FEMI I think so. You got that out of a movie, didn't you?

CONRAD Some mob thing - the lesbo one. It actually applies itself to all business models. Very good practice indeed.

FEMI Thought it sounded familiar.Oh yeah, I'm Femi.

CONRAD Pleased to me you, Femi, I'm Conrad. [Hiccups.] Pardon me, bloody bubbles!

VEENA enters and glares angrily at CONRAD and FEMI while making another call on her mobile phone. She paces the restaurant - whoever she is phoning does not answer - and lights another cigarette. She then starts calling more people on her mobile phone, who are also not answering their mobile phones;VEENA's looking annoyed now.

CONRAD How did you end up with a girly name?

FEMI It's not a British name!

CONRAD[in his drunken way, he scribbles out a cheque and hands it to FEMI. FEMI shakes his head, screwing the cheque up without CONRAD seeing and dropping it on the floor.] Oh sorry, Femi. I'm not used to chatting to dark-skinned people. There's my cleaner, who's always a darkie, but there's also Panjit at the corner shop. Top bloke, you might know him?[FEMI shrugs, smiling.] And I still get my shag shipped in; he knows his stuff.

FEMI[about to leave.] Oh right. You're fine, Conrad. I chat to all sorts of people. probably the only great thing about living in this old, empty, shithole called Britain. You can meet the world, right?.

CONRAD[graps FEMI's arm, eager for him to listen.] Yes, I suppose it is, isn't it? We're getting further apart in terms of wealth but - on a cultural level, of course - we're more closer. It'll go back to the age of everyone watching the same programmes, free music festivals will return, and people'll just accept their lot, rich and poor alike.

FEMI I don't know. To be honest, I don't care. I've got a place in the Bahamas sorted when I retire. It's a family investment thing, had it around for a while, so I hope it's still there. But everyone's different.

CONRAD Yes, I suppose so. I haven't thought about retiring yet. I'm hoping to just drop dead on the job! But thanks once again for the case.

FEMI It's fine, please stop thanking me!

VEENA[to FEMI; angrily.] Are you waiting for food, too?

FEMI No, I'm not. Are you two together?

VEENA Not in that way!

CONRAD Femi, this is Veena. She's supposed to be meeting her agent, but you know how superficial arts people are.

FEMI No. I don't have a clue! You a pop star or something?

VEENA I look like one, I know!

FEMI Doesn't everyone want to be one these days?

VEENA Nice work if you can get it!

FEMI[laughs.] I suppose. Some of them can even sing. Can you?

VEENA I can sing a bit, though I'm probably more of a dancer.

FEMI I see. You been dancing for Conrad?

VEENA It's nothing like that.

FEMI Oh, no.

VEENA I have done that type of dancing, though. And it can pay the bills, that's for sure!

FEMI I'm sure it does!

CONRAD Don't get all boring, let's enjoy this freebie! It's not too often the general public gets such good nosh.

FEMI I don't like the idea of being filmed, I'm going to go.

CONRAD Forget it, it's one me! Come on, what you both having?

CONRAD takes out a small notepad and pen and looks at VEENA and FEMI. They all stare at each other in a moment of utter silence.

FEMI So you actually work here?

CONRAD I don't know - I might even own it! Then again, I might not. Business is shrouded in mystery, isn't it?

FEMI I suppose it's a bit of a lottery.

VEENA Wait a minite, so now you want to take our order?

CONRAD Might as well. Sod it, eh? Might as well do a bit of moonlighting now. We can't all be company directors, can we?

FEMI Sure. If there's something left, that's fine. Get me whatever.

VEENA This is unreal, I thought you were a customer or something. why you moaning about teh service then?[CONRAD shrugs, smiling, looking well and truly sozzled.]...Get me the same as him.

CONRAD Great! Two whatevers!

CONRAD, shuffling like a drunk, exits laughing to himself. Long awkward pause between FEMI and VEENA.

VEENA I suppose it's romantic. In a weird way.

FEMI It's not that weird. I just hope it's no set up.

VEENA No, it isn't. I don't know. I might be getting set up.

FEMI It's a bit awkward. I'm shit with smaal talk.

VEENA I know.

FEMI I suppose you're trendy. You must like poppy kind of stuff and things like that.

VEENA What?

FEMI I don't know. I was hoping we might start a conversation? About anything really.

VEENA Where's thingy gone?

FEMI Good question. He's probably gone to puke his guts up. What a state! He's obviously worse for wear; he might even be a bit you know?[VEENA looks puzzled.] A bit screwed up. I just hope the police don't turn up with a whole response team: shrinks and the backup guns; and they might get the wrong idea. Don't want us in the nick with him - or getting sectioned. This evening's getting really bizarre.

VEENA Yeah, I was thinking that.

FEMI Anyway, if there's a freebie in it, I'll make the best of it.

VEENA Yeah, I've had some rotten luck for ages, I'll take a freebie. By the way, what you up to tonight?

FEMI Nothing. Why?

VEENA Just starting a conversation, right?

FEMI Oh yes, sure, I forgot about the conversation. To busy thinking about small talk. Sorry, I ruined it there. Erm, well, let me see. Oh yeah, what you are interested in?

VEENA Nothing really. I've got a short attention span. I was expelled a lot.

FEMI Oh.

VEENA Do you have any contacts?

FEMI In what?

VEENA The real world silly! Like producers and things. Are you fucking anyone famous? That's what I like about some celebrities. They're great; I tried to model myself on Katie Price, I still call her Jordan, but she's so inventive though! When she can't get a gig, and she can't be fucked to be conned training to be an actress or doing singing lessons - it's a money thing, not that she's counting the pennies, mind you! - but she just goes and fucks a hot hunk, marries him divorces him and then sells the story. Fucking crazy, I know, but that's really smart. What a networker! I'm learning off her all the time.

FEMI Yeah, I don't know who you're talking about. I'm sorry.

VEENA Don't you know anything? You must've met someone, you know, secretly?

FEMI No, honestly. I've never been mixed up in all that James Bond stuff. It's been in the papers a lot, hasn't it. Russian spies, dodgy spy sex, tax dodgers and weird deaths. Makes a change from wars, sick freaky horrendous and environmental disasters, but when you read that garbage makes you wonder what they're hiding about all the wars and famines and things. It's all odd. I really don't know any agents, I'm sorry!

VEENA I don't follow the world, just the world of famous stuff. It's pointless if it's not famous. Not like those dull people! Like connected people and all of that.

FEMI Thinking about it now, I know an estate agent. I went to college with him. It was a long time ago, I met him over the football ages ago, but --

VEENA That's handy, but it's a boring story. Not the sort of thing I was chatting about.

FEMI Oh.

VEENA It's getting a bit too weird, I think he's calling the police or the real owners. He's a queer prick.

FEMI I think he's just old-fashioned. Bit old to be a doing the waiter lark, but it's good, we can't put people out of their work just because they get to a certain age!

VEENA I don't think it's that odd. Is it? Who wants to see old pornstars?

FEMI I don't know. It takes all sorts these days.

VEENA Do you work out?

FEMI Sometimes. [Awkward pause.] You look familiar. Maybe I seen you in some cattlemarket club. Probably in Kingston. Actually you remind me of someone I saw recently. Were you in a porno called 'Amateur Goo Gaggers'?

VEENA Erm, well --

CONRAD enters, looking ill.

CONRAD You better get out! Quick, quick! 
 
FEMI I knew it! You don't own it! 
 
VEENA You fucking pompous bullshitter!

CONRAD It's not that - the kitchen's on fire. Just a little bit; I've had a few too many sherries.

FEMI Shit, I don't smell anything yet, but let's try to put it out now!

CONRAD You really are a gem! You'll get an extra meal for this.

FEMI Fuck the meals, let's stop it getting out of control. Where's this fire?

CONRAD Well, it's an apple pie. I don't know how it happened!

FEMI I do! Come on, show me where the extinguisher is!

FEMI and CONRAD exit, as a thin layer of smoke wafts through. VEENA shakes her head.

VEENA[lights another cigarette.] I know it's the food! I can't smell a fire! You've just burnt it! Do you want me to phone the...[Her mobile rings; she answers it.]...Oh so you ring me now!...I'm in the middle of a crisis...Yeah, well, you'll never guess...No way! No, I'm in a restaurant and it's just caught fire....I know, it might be on London Tonight...I might sue; it might be good idea later...Yeah, sure...But I'm getting a freebie now...Sure...Hold on, I'll phone you back in five...[Dials off, then shouts to CONRAD and FEMI offstage] Hey guys! Once you sort out the fire, do you mind setting a few places for some people I know? Hey, guys, I got you some business here? Hello?

VEENA exits into a thin layer of smoke.

[4] SAFE PLAY

by George O'Sullivan and Colin Peterson

RUFUS - a dozy slacker; but he's trying to hone his trash-inspired "craft", though he doesn't know how to go about it and doesn't want to pay out for it. And has no ideas.

STAN - another dozy slacker, who acts way older than his years, but is stuck in a rut and disillusioned with everything, including artistic integrity in the UK and throughout the rest of the world.

Set: in a park, on a park bench, somewhere in London.

Note: if unable to use DSs use mobile phones.

EPISODE ONE: SAFE BLUES [careful now]

RUFUS slurps a cup of tea from a cardboard cup, while STAN stubs out his smoke in a makeshift ashtray out of a bottle of beer. Next to STAN is a chunky A4 recycled paper pad [or tablet if you prefer] and some pens. Next to him, he has a bag, which looks like a laptop carry case.

STAN So? That's it right?

RUFUS WHAT?

STAN That we can't say anything bad or offensive? We might be able to enter in a competition-thing without it getting sent straight back to us?