Not So Short Shorts - Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (best historical fiction books of all time txt) 📗

              NOT SO SHORT SHORTS BY GEORGE O'SULLIVAN AND COLIN PETERSON

CONTENTS:

[1] THE TRANSITION TRAP

[2] A BRIEF GUIDE TO THE PREHISTORIC STARLIGHT SPIRIT WORLD MACHINE

[3] WAITING FOR THE WAITER

[4] SAFE PLAY

[5] KIOSK

Note[before the other note]:
We did try to get the italics and bold all figured out here on BookRix - oddly, when we click on them nothing happens - but I suppose we're having a slight technical issue; it's nothing to do with BookRix,we're thinking how our browser has been a bit iffy since some update went a bit weird. We will try to fix it though and will obviously revise it, to make it clearer. But they are all still pretty short; all wriitten for various little fringe events, short play festivals, or to be performed as standalone skits

[1]THE TRANSITION TRAP

by O'SULLIVAN and PETERSON

Another Note: this piece was given its first rehearsed reading at The Broadway Barking on 29th April 2010, as part of 'Script This'[where Esther Cleverly's piece 'Line Up' won the popular vote of the audience]. We would like to thank everyone there; and for supporting our curiously medicated foibles. We're very much encouraged by the creative team in situ there. And this was the first piece, written by us, that has been selected for any kind of reading in front of a live auidence.

It's taken us an entire decade, but we finally got an open-minded platform somewhere. We're very supportive, too, and we encourage others to submit to the extremely diverse Script This event at the aforementioned venue. We also want to take the chance to thank the postivity of Peggy Riley from Ashford/East Kent Live Lit.

And we know it sounds a bit hopeful, but it makes a real change from being told to politely fuck off by the vast majority of industry schmoozers and shakers[don't worry: we'll definitely invite you for another nibble sometime soon...]. Anyway, we must've beaten the great Peter Terson's rejection record, by now!

The People Involved:

BUNGUS, thirties a junkie bum.
JULIAN, twenties, a postgraduate student.
FANNY, sixties, a tramp.

SCENE: a public toilet near Clapham Common. We hear nothing. Just a couple of sounds of the toilet roll holder being pulled violently, the odd cough. FANNY shuffles to a door. Tries to open it. It does not open. She mumbles something to herself and tries to open it again. It still won't open.

FANNY Ooh great; bloody great. That's all my bloody luck! Fucking useless door!

JULIAN enters, from a cubicle, reading a battered copy of The Communist Manifesto.

JULIAN I know. I tried it half an hour ago. All the cubicle windows have been sealed shut. The one that opens is too small to get out of. Some have bars on the windows. I can't figure it out. They've locked us in.

FANNY Shit, me trolley's outside.

JULIAN Sorry?

FANNY I've got to get out, I've got to get out. [She starts to rub her eyes; she's crying, but tries to hide it.]

I can't go on without my trolley.

JULIAN I truly hope it's just fine. It probably looks like a piece of shit, I suppose?

FANNY Won't be your sort after it. I know the freaks that lurk round these parts.

JULIAN I don't know; I'm a tourist here really.But then again, thiefs are everywhere these days: I'd say they're definitely classless nowadays.

FANNY I don't care, just get me out of here. I was only doing my rounds.

JULIAN When does it open up again?

FANNY I don't know, I've got better things to do you know?

JULIAN Of course.

FANNY I can't believe that drunk prick locked us in. He must've heard us.

JULIAN It's probably a mistake. They'll be back. At least we can go to the toilet.

FANNY I don't know, there's no bog roll left.

JULIAN I do hope you're kidding?

FANNY I'm thirsty now.

JULIAN There's water.

FANNY Anything stronger?

JULIAN I don't think they build alcohol counters in here - that might be taking twenty four hour drinking a bit too far. It would be handy, but you know.

FANNY Ooh, aren't we a Master Fancypants!

JULIAN I was only trying to make light of the situation.

FANNY What you doing in here?

JULIAN It's embarrassing really.

FANNY Having a quick wank? Blooming mincing poofs everywhere! You look a bit poofy to me!

JULIAN Erm, no. Nothing like that. No kinky stuff at all - sadly! Fortunately, it's not anything sordid. It's worse actually. I was really constipated and couldn't face doing another journey on the tube like it. My arse was burning! I'm sure you hear that quite a bit round here, so I think I'm empathising with homosexuals there! Sorry, it was another joke. It probably failed to make you laugh. I get that all the time. But no, I decided to sit it out here and face my shit. And I've been reading, smoking, just relaxing hoping for the endplop. I've never prayed for a shit to appear, but I'm considering praying to anything to see my shit.

FANNY Really? Shit. You're not joking?

JULIAN Yes, I'm not nervously joking. I've given up with ice-breakers.

FANNY Well, how would you like to give me a fag?

JULIAN That might be a problem. You see, I'm down to my last bit of rolling tobacco. It's one of these little pouches that seems to go quickly.

FANNY Rollies are fine, I like them. I better clean my spare teeth while I'm here.[Rummages in her horrid pockets; JULIAN looks fearful.]

Damn, I hope I haven't left them outside, too.

JULIAN It's probably best not to clean them here.

FANNY Not scared of falsies, are you?

JULIAN No, not really. It's just well, I suppose I am thinking of hygiene.

FANNY I think I have left them in the trolley. Shit. Shall we start shouting for help? We could break the glass?

JULIAN We might actually get prosecuted. It's council property. Oddly, I can't get any reception for some reason - don't ask. Technology, eh?

FANNY shrugs. They hear a sound in one of the cubicles[which can be offstage].

FANNY That wasn't you?

JULIAN Oh no. I think it was from in here.

FANNY Hello? HELLO? ANYONE ELSE IN HERE?

JULIAN Sounds like you're out of a zombie movie. You know, one of those post-apocalyptic things? It's ever so funny.

FANNY I haven't a clue what you're talking about.

JULIAN Like when the world's about to end?

FANNY I don't watch much, so I can't really say.

JULIAN Of course. It must be fairly tough.

FANNY Why is that shit ignoring us?

JULIAN They may be on the toilet still.

FANNY PLEASE TALK TO US MYSTERY SHITTER?

BUNGUS[pause; off, or from behind the cubicle door.]

Hello?

FANNY So there's someone in there?

BUNGUS Just for a quick fix. I'm bleeding out of my arse. You got any more bog roll?

FANNY No, we're locked in.

BUNGUS Oh right.

JULIAN Aren't you angry?

BUNGUS Can't be angry now man. Not with blood coming out of my butt.

JULIAN Good point. Are you going to be able to hold out - we can't get any mobile reception.

BUNGUS Really? My phone works. No credit on it though.

JULIAN Pass it here and I'll put my sim card in.

BUNGUS Nothing funny stranger.Remember: I don't know you and you don't know me.

JULIAN Well, that's a piece of logic you don't hear everyday. By the way, mate, I don't want your piece of shit phone.

BUNGUS Yeah, fine. Hold on. Mate.

JULIAN What?

BUNGUS Once I give you the phone, you'll forget about my bog roll. I need to clean my butt up.

FANNY There's no more bog roll, I've checked the whole place. I'm a regular visitor here.

BUNGUS Yeah, well, it's not good enough. Got any tissues?

JULIAN I have a hanky. It's a bit small though. It's just an accessory.

FANNY Looks a bit queer to me. All I got is a newspaper.

BUNGUS Aren't they toxic? My mate, Frank, wiped his butt with a Sun once and he got warts and a rash. Had to see a specialist.

JULIAN Was he on that embarrassing doctors thing on the box?

BUNGUS I don't know - you know, you're right, I think he had to quit doing porn.

FANNY Beggars can't be choosers here. We're locked in. I'm sure I've got an old rag somewhere.

BUNGUS Find the rag.Sounds good.

FANNY Oh just take the bloody Sun.

JULIAN Don't force it on him, I wouldn't want to wipe my backside on any newspaper. The print comes off. The ink might be toxic, and he might have a point with his anecdotal evidence. God knows what chemicals they put into a newspaper.

FANNY[baffled.] He's probably got enough chemicals in him anyway! 
 
JULIAN Look, sorry, it's nice chatting but I think this is going nowhere. Let's get help; give me your phone please.The smell is starting to get to me.

BUNGUS Just find something I can wipe my arse on that's not newspaper.

FANNY I'm still looking for my rag. Fancy a junkie turning his nose up at my Sun.

BUNGUS It's nothing personal lady, my butts just bleeding for fun.

FANNY Be grateful for anything then! 
 
JULIAN[heaving.]  It's possible he could get infected.

FANNY You're a right bleeding heart liberal, aren't you? Why don't you give him your posh book?

JULIAN [feeling the pages of his book.] Actually, the paper's quite good quality for such a radical text. I suppose it might be better than newspaper?

FANNY I haven't wiped my bum with it, why ask me?

JULIAN Yes, sorry, I was just thinking aloud.

BUNGUS Go on, just lob it under the door, mate.

JULIAN slides his copy of Marx and Engels 'Communist Manifesto' under the cubicle door.

BUNGUS Thanks. Here's the phone.

BUNGUS slides his battered mobile phone along the floor towards JULIAN. JULIAN misses the phone and FANNY picks it up,examining it.JULIAN heaves again and suddenly runs into a cubicle and vomits.

FANNY The screens busted.

BUNGUS Didn't I mention that?

FANNY No, oddly enough.

BUNGUS It lights up.

FANNY I can't see a thing.

BUNGUS People phone me on it.

FANNY Must be popular.

BUNGUS It's got no credit. The phone's got a great signal though.

FANNY We'll see.

JULIAN[enters, wiping his mouth with his small handkerchief.] I'm sorry, I'm not used to the fumes. I think I'm fine now. Damn station food, eh? Oh, I done another sick burp. I might drink some of this water.

FANNY Phone, sort the phone out.

JULIAN Yes, you're right.

FANNY You hear all that?

JULIAN What?

FANNY[hands JULIAN the mobile