When all of the lights were out... - Nir Twayna (books to read in your 20s .TXT) 📗

When All Lights Were Off.....

What is life? ......Why do we live? ............

What is the purpose of this life? ..........

In my life, there were moments when I asked this question to myself several times.

From the very beginning, I believed one thing. Life is nothing when we are on our own. We always need a relationship to keep up. I was always afraid to be left alone in this gruesome world. I never wanted to be alone. Perhaps I was too scared about it, or I gave too much importance to this relationship matters that I was shattered too badly when it came to a rejection.

Definitely it was not something unusual. It happens all the time with anyone. No wonder, it happened to me as well. But when it came from the one I loved the most in the whole world, it was just too hard for me. Perhaps I was not good at handling rejection. I started to think what is wrong with me? Why I am not being preferred? Why the world has turned upside down to me?.... I felt like I was left all alone. Although my parents were there, I did not feel any warmth in it as I was at the age of leaving the nest. My friends were there, but none of them were comforting. All of them showed only one thing, and that is not the compassion. That was a PITY and I never wanted to live under the pity of anyone. So I pitied them back and I severed my bond with everyone.

When I had no reasons left to live and no connections to the outer world, I confined myself in my own room. I never came out of my room. My dinner was served in my room. I did leave my room only to go to toilet. I even did not have a bath for several months. I never brushed my teeth. My life had been so miserable and purposeless that I began to think about suicide already, although I was not aware of it.

My only companion during that time was my laptop with internet connection. Then again, I never entered the chat room and never opened up my facebook or mail or anything. I kept on searching over google.............. Every time I open google, I typed 'Suicide' or 'how to suicide' or 'the fastest way to end a life' and so on. Most of the links showed up in the process explained many great ways to do it, but they also explained the horrified side of such attempts as well.

I considered of jumping off the roof of a top building, but the website raised a question, what if you did not die and you end up disabling both of your legs for the rest of your life?

Will the poison do the job? I searched for it as well to find great poisons. But it explained someone might find me before it takes its effects. The worst part is, can you really suffer the suffocation caused by it? It suggested to test if I can suffocate myself for 4 minutes at least. I could not do it.

What about hanging? Well, it said although a person starts with a pure intention of dying, as soon as the rope suffocates, the person will begin to untie the rope and forget every single intention. The suffocation once again takes its toll and imagine the pain you have to take for more than half an hour that you have to take before you really die.

In the process of finding a reliable way, I found a link saying " Do you want to do it seriously?"

I clicked the site and begin to read it.

It was a piece from The Holy Bible. It presented the matter like this:

Life is yours. You have complete authority to your life. You can earn it, you can waste it, or you can end it. Whatever you do with it, it is not the concern of others but yours. So, you do not go to hell for murdering yourself. You did not commit a sin with that decision.

You will go to the HELL however because you have sinned against others, especially those who loved you and those who really care you. Think of it, how much pain do you afflict in their heart by ending your life. Think of your parents who carefully grew you up and put their all-out effort to raise you up. How would you feel if your own children take such step. You have sinned against them to whom you really matter. God has sent you with some purpose and that purpose benefits many children of the god. That task is given to you and only you. If you cannot accomplish, no one can do it. So, by ending your life and ending abandoning your very purpose, you would leave the future of children of god into misery.

It prompted me think another way. Oh, I always thought my life is mine, and mine only. But now I understand that it belongs to others more than it belongs to me. I changed my mind and that was the beginning of my real life.

That was the time when every other lights were turned off. Only pitch darkness laid in front of me. I could not see my way and when I was ready to give up, the Bible showed me a glimpse of ray of hope. It showed me the way.

 The most cowardly story

This story is about two lovers who loved each other so dearly, and yet never could be together. It is so strange to hear this. There are some stories in which two souls cannot be together because it was a one-sided love affair. In some stories, two souls dream to stay together but constant interference from the family or other things does not let them be. There are so many stories but none of them are like this one.

This stupid story revolves around the social web created by Caste system of Hindu society of India. There is upper cast, middle cast and lower cast, based not on income or social status but on predecessors and professions. It might sound strange to any western readers, but this is the reality of eastern world. Somehow I also do not want to support this system. I strongly want to revolt against this system, but as a central character of the story, my story would have completely been different had I been able to get courage to do so. But I failed in it, and I failed myself.

My family belongs to a upper caste. Being in an upper caste, I was not allowed to make any relationship to girls of lower caste. Leave it to be the relationship, I was not even allowed to make any friends from that caste. Any formal relations are tolerated by the society, but a close friendship or a serious relationship are not. I have witnessed many cases where a son is abandoned by his family and society for marrying a low caste girl. The story does not end up here. The parents abandoned their son for the society but they truely could never give him up, and became victims of heart diseases, anxiety, heart attacks and many more. I have seen how much it takes its toll. I was also warned by my parents never to make any such ties. They have threatened to abandon me as well, as per the society rule.

This girl also studied in the same college as I did. Her simple casual dress-up, curly hair, dark hair, fair skin, and the most gorgeous smile. Whenever I see her, I can never see anything else. I decided to make the first move. I moved toward her with all the courage I had, I was very nervous though. I made a friendship pact and .... We were friends. It went quite well for a long time.
It has been almost a year since we had become friends. My feelings toward her are still the same. Not just the same, I felt even more passionate about her. I really wanted to propose her, but one thing always stopped me. She was from the lower caste and I was not supposed to tie any knots with her. If I do, it might be my life but it would bring a misfortune to my family. I was also afraid that my parents will not be able to fight the society and they might become the victims of anxiety and depression. I never wanted that. I never wanted to earn happiness in an expense of my parents and my family. So, I always backed off. "Stand down" That is all my mind says. My heart never wanted to follow it.

I had certain clues that she knows my feelings. Yet, I was never sure of it. She was so frank to everyone that I never could find any difference in her behavior with me or other friends. Although her smile to me was different, I guess. I stayed in the college for four long years, watching over her, and growing my feelings toward her. Sometimes I find it too difficult to stand down as I swore to myself to stand down. But the years passed on. I never expressed my feelings to anyone, not to her, not to my best friends, not my parents, not to anyone. I kept it in my hearts. Until the very last moment, I kept it hidden.

The last days of my college was approaching. I met her. We talked in formal way although there was something unusual. She was not behaving to other friends as usual. There was certain change in the air. She opened up the topic. To my astonishment, she asked me, "You love me, don't you?" I was too shocked to hear this. I never expressed my feelings, but I guess it reached to her. She added,"If so, why don't you propose me? .... You know, I always wished you would propose me. I would have been the happiest girl in the world had you proposed me. I loved you too. But what is it stopping you? Please confess now. I want to hear it."

I was too glad knowing that the girl I loved so much loved me back, even more than I did. It should have been the greatest day in my life. I should have confessed. It could have changed my life. But soon, my vow to stand down strongly suppressed my heart. I knew why I was holding down. I knew what will come if I say yes. With a stonecold-heart, I said NO. I said it might have been a mistake but I never had any feelings to her. I said, she was just a friend to me. A great friend. I could feel how much she was broken. I could see the bursting of tears in her eyes. She said with sad voice, "I have waited all those four years for you... only for