Violets Are Blue - Alex Joseph (little red riding hood ebook .txt) 📗

Feelings

People Play with my feelings. They tear them apart. “How are you today?"... Do you really want to know?? Well I'm useless, broken, Alone, clueless, confused, betrayed, fragile, depressed, anxious… Do you need me to keep going??… I'm ready to give up, I'm pathetic, annoying, distant, lonely, bitter… rejected… crushed, empty, defeated, I’m never good enough. I'm on the verge of tears. That’s what feelings does to people like me. To someone who can't control his feelings. And what hurts most is that the more you care or “feel” for that person.

The more it freaking hurts to say goodbye. Emotionally… I'm drained to the max. Mentally I'm done. Spiritually… I'm freaking dead. But physically I smile. Because I don't want questions asked. Feelings are stupid. A piece of horse crap. Sometimes the face can speak a thousand emotions, but it can easily mask what the heart truly feels deep inside. People are fooled. The happiest face may be masking the most hurting heart. Feelings are a burden. They hold me back from what I want to do. I want to be happy but my “Feelings…” are taking that from me. Sometimes I'm a strong guy who keeps his stuff in line. Even when I have tears going down my face. I always manage to say two words though. I'm Fine. I act like I don't care. But deep inside… I swear to god it hurts like crap.

I never know what I'm doing anymore. All I know is you’re always on my mind… Everything else going on is just background noise distractions. That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing something or hearing something that just breaks your heart heart is excruciating. Like an Ice pick going at you a thousand miles an hour. Not stopping until you’re fully dead and lifeless. You know the feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door. fall into bed, and just let everything that you’ve kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation? Nothing is wrong. But nothing's right either. And now I'm tired. Tired of everything. Tired of everything but yet tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one’s there. And you know you’ve been strong for yourself because no one else can fix it. You’re tired of waiting. So am I. I'm tried of having to be the one to fix everything… I am tired of being strong.

I just want it to be easy you know. But it won't be. But yet you still hope, you still wish, and you still keep fighting and being strong. But with tears running down your cheeks. But yet still fighting. I have given up. Feeling are no longer a piece of me. I'm going to be that lonely, bitter, cold hearted, old lady.

And love… It's disgusting. There's no reason for that either. It gets in your way just like feeling. When you see his face… the feelings you thought you’ve forgotten, and the pain that once left your heart broken….all come back like it was still there waiting to pounce on you again. And the moment when anger turns to tears just cause you can't stay angry. i felt like I was waiting for something That's never going to happen. And I'm still waiting. I don't know why I'm still waiting. Why am I still waiting?!??!!?... I don't  know why I'm waiting.

I just hope that I cross your mind every now and then I don't feel pathetic for thinking about you all the time. I like you so much, It makes me cry because I know that when it finally happened that someone will take you away or you would have to leave, you probably forget about me. I never knew I was strong until now that that I have too. Is it bad that I wish one day that you would wake up and like me just as much as I like you? Is it? Cause I think it is. I am not supposed to like you as much as i do. I'm not supposed to like you at all. I don't need a perfect one….I just need someone to make me feel like the only one. I hate the fact that the only person i miss right now in my life is the one that doesn't even give two dip craps about me….or probably know I exist.

 

Don't fall in love with her….please.

 

Not yet.

Why?

 

I know you are leaving. But I Have a question for you that I have been wanting to ask you since We first met. Why? I know Why is the hardest question we ask ourselves in this life. My question is for you. Why? Why did I fall in love with you? What is so special about you that I decided that you were the one i wanted to hold close. The one i wanted to never….ever let go of. Most of my friends, say i have a crush. and you know what? I agree. Because that’s how I will feel when I find out that you won't feel the same back about me.

Why did i hug you for the first time? I don't know the answer to that. Do you? I bet you don't either. I think the reason I hugged you for the first time was because i didn't know that we would be here we are today. I think I hugged you for the first time because I wanted you to hug me back. Because I wanted you to be my best friend.

Why did I say Hi to you that morning? I don't know. Do you? I said hi that day because I knew we would be somewhere in life. Just not where we are now. You have no idea how fast my heart races when I see you. Hi….is such a short a simple word….But sometimes it’s the word that starts everything. That starts this whole thing of Love.

Why do i always smile when I am around you? I don't know. Don't ask me. You know love starts with a smile. Then it grows with a kiss. But ends with a teardrop. But let’s keep it at the first two please. I love myself so much when you’re around. I love my eyes when you look in them. I love my name so much more when you say it. I love my heart when you touch it. I love life….when you’re in it. I always smile.

Why did I kiss you first the first time? I really….really….don't know. I just wanted someone to love me at the moment and you were there. Ready to beat up the one who broke my heart. Or hug me and pull me close while i cried. But I was desperate. Of course, You didn't mind. But it changed our whole relationship. Now I am always smiling. Now I always want to be next to you. Now I get jealous when you hug another girl. Now….I want you all for my own. But. You are my best friend.  And the only way we are going to stay together is if you remain my best friend.  Cause I never want  you out of my life. I never want you gone. Just because you mean so much to me. You’re the last thing I want to lose. You’re the last thought i want to wake up to, and the thought i fell asleep to. You make me feel like so happy and cared for.  If you thought differently, well, you’re wrong. I want to keep you in my life for as long as possible. I practically love you right now.

Don't forget that. 

Sweet Agony

What do you see when you look in my eyes?

A freak? A nameless being?

Or maybe simply another face in the endless sea of people

What do I see when I look at myself in the mirror?

I see pain, laughter, tears, smiles, fatigue, and endless energy.

What do I do

When the world I live in

Doesn't know I am suffering?

I feel the scars

On my heart….

My arms….

My wrists….

And I think back to a time when I was truly alone

Wondering the streets at night

The sky dark and stormy,

With the cold rain falling down on me

It was like the sky was crying

All the tears I was too afraid to shed myself

That was along time ago,

but still I can feel the sharpness of the blades upon my soul

My skin

My heart

Sometimes at night I sit up

Stare at my window

And cry, for all the pain I still sometimes feel.

I wonder if life is meant to be more then this,

This town

These people

These feelings

I am like a caged animal,

Trapped inside bars

Locked in, with no hope to escape

I scream

Yell

Cry

But no one hears me

I stand alone

On my own little path of life

That I have been on for as long as I can remember

With a broken heart

A broken soul

A broken mind

Still I struggle on

So that I can maybe see beyond this world

Of darkness and despair,

So I can see the world beyond,

Of love and life and happiness

So here I stand,

A smile on my face,

Even though I am being torn apart on the inside.

I will continue to smile,

And feel

And love

And I will survive; survive to tomorrow

So I can learn to trust again

And this sweet agony

That has been with me all my life

Will be dispersed

Become nonexistent

Gone

No more.

And I will finally

Be

Alive.

 

*This is by someone else. I didnt write this one*

 

Stronger

 

You know how long I've tried