Man in the Mirror - John T. Cesar (whitelam books .TXT) 📗

Table Of Contents

1. A Living Nightmare (pg.6)

2. Lost (pg.8)

3.Cocoon (pg.9)

4.Reflection (pg.11)

5. I Hate You (pg.13)

6. Hello? (pg.15)

7. Puppet (pg.17)

8. Can I Get Your Number? (pg.19)

9. Farewell (pg.21)

10. Eternal Slumber (pg.23)

11. Final plea (pg.25)

12. Rebirth (pg.27)

A Living Nightmare

Last night i had a bad dream.

I dreamt i wasn't loved....

By family,

Myself,

Or anyone.

The dream starts with my family and i
Laughing in the kitchen.
Reminiscing of the good times we had;
Stories of how our parents got together.

Felt so good to laugh.
Haven't done that in years,

Well together that is...

But we are not all here.

All of a sudden,

Within minutes....

HATRED, JEALOUSY, and ANGER entered the room.

It is him,
SATAN!

And before i could pray to shield my family,
Everything that was good became bad.

His rage was too STRONG

.

The walls are bleeding,
An illness automatically spreads in their heart.

A deep voice shouts,
"LEAVE OR YOU DIE".

In one blink,
I am outside of my house.

Abandoned...

Homeless....

Battered and Mistreated.

I am in my car,
Surrounded by all my belongings.

Damn, it wasn't a dream......


Just reliving reality

Lost

Sitting back,
Reminiscing of the times
When i used to love.

Happiness not only glowed in the dark,
But shone in the day.

Nothing else really mattered.

Out of nowhere,
It was taken

Can't identify whom
Or what stripped that joy away.

If they are listening...

Please,
I would like it back.

I am unhealthy without those feelings.

Internally my body decays.

Transformed into someone
I had no intention of portraying.

How Do I Get Back?

Cocoon

I am in a home where my body eats itself
Due to the lack of love that wasn't given.

I am in a home where there is no light.
You hear nothing.
And everyone doesn't care if you're gone.

Do you know where my home is?

There is no heat.
No clean air
Hate and violence pollutes the sky.

I am in a home where i am caged like an animal,
Trained to disconnect with life.

There is no escape
Or place to relocate

This is a home where visitors come and go,
But never stay.

"NO TRESPASSING",
Portrays me best after everything.

Sheltered and Protected...

This is MY home

Reflection

What are you looking at?

Ill tell you what I'm looking at,
Someone who gave up in life.

Stressed..

No motivation.

Too much anger plus regrets.

You need to wake up!

Because you, and everybody else
Are on a time limit.

Life is TOO short.

Be the person you need to be

LIVE and LOVE.

Though you may look healthy
But you are not inside

I know you are hated,
Not loved,
Manipulated,
Violated,

Abused.....

But yet you don't see God loves you
So much that you're still here

Conversing.

You're the only one that's killing yourself.
You don't have to tell anyone anything
They can see it in your walk and talk.

Okay, what do i need to do?

Promise that you will change.
Understand happiness

It's always there,
But do you want it?

Damn, i am crazy
Reflections can't talk

Medicine cabinet closed,

LIGHTS OFF!

I HATE YOU

I hate you cause
You hate me.
Tears running down my face;
Remembering the times
I used to love

I hate you cause
You made me hate myself.
My body fighting a war
That it knows it won't win.

Why do you apply this on me?
I did not ask for it,
This is too much.

I hate you cause
I cant love
Or at least not all the way.

Scared to cry,
Afraid to die,
Able to try,

But not capable
To triumph over your evil.

I hate you cause
I died years ago.
A ghost walks in this world
Unable to cope with life.

This hate i have for you

Has now shortened my fate.




Hello?

Who is there?
What do you want?

Leave me alone
I am naked

Please don't open the door
Ashamed to be seen with these scars.

Who is there?

I am not hungry
Nor do i need to eat

Trained to become a slave
And a slave i am

Never was given a chance
For light
Or any type of redemption
For myself

Please, please.....

I'll be good
No more

Don't open the door
I don't want to be seen

Judged....

i know it's not fare to judge
But expect different in return

Just leave me alone!

I am here for a reason
Just leave
Whoever is here

Ashamed i was....


That will never change.




Puppet

Seems like every one wants me to live
The life they envision for I.

Writing down instructions,
Directions they took
To overcome their issues

What about me?

Shouldn't
Or don't I
Deserve the same opportunity

The ability to write
And follow
My own directions and rules

We all live a different life
Why do you want to control mine?

Because I'm not living my life
The way you wanted me too

If you can't bare it

LEAVE...

That's what they all do

Doesn't matter....


I need to live

.





Can i get your number?

What is your number,
So i can call you back to this world?

"Why?" I replied

It's anonymous

Cause when i used to call the world
To see if I'm needed

I was told
Never to call again

Then CLICK!

So my number wasn't ask then
And plus
I don't have a phone anymore

And if i did.....


No one important would call.




Farewell

Suicide is the ticket to be free
All the time i ask is that an answer for me

Don't know how much life is worth
Damn, how soon will it be
Before i am buried in the earth?

I feel even if i go
I'm still stuck with this curse
No one cares if I'm hurt

I know my flaws
I am not innocent

Judged only by appearance
Feel so cheap
Stuck on clearance
The death train is coming
Do you hear it?
I do

Time for me to go..

Farther forgive me
For i have sinned

Caused i just checked out
Of the discomfort i was in

And when you bury me
I just ask for one thing

Can you see the scars
Engraved on my skin?

Please don't phone home

They didn't care when i was there

Nor should they......


When i am all gone.




Eternal Slumber

How long have i been here?

Seconds...

Minutes...

Hours...

How long do i have?

Seconds or Minutes...

Why can't i breathe?

My lungs compressed,
Filled with fluid.

Why can't i speak?

Every time I yell
Why can't you hear me?

Every time i yell
Why can't i hear?

I'm only trying to figure out
Where i am
So i can get out of this place

I don't want to die here

Why can't i move?
Something is holding me down

It's BIGGER than me

Every time i move my hand,
It feels as if I'm moving in
SLOW MOTION

I finally open my eyes
I can see clearly now,
I am drowning.....

Nobody is here.

They're out on the surface

I cannot swim to them

Because when i was up there

I didn't learn


So now i sleep.........




Final Plea

Can someone please love me?
I'm alone all the time
By myself.

Crying..

Dying...

And trying to overcome depression.

Can someone please love me?
I learned my lesson

And if this is a joke..
Please Stop!

I had ENOUGH

Heart feels like it's melting,

And my body,
The one thing that used to protect me,
Is being torn down.

Can someone please love me?
Don't deny me.

My feelings...

Presence...

Please,
My brain is exploding from confusion.

Reminiscing of the past,
Present,

And the consequence is the FUTURE

.


You know what,
Never mind!

I get it.

I'm not supposed to be loved,
To be there for

It's understood....


I did what i could.



Rebirth

My father made me.
Fingers, brain, a heart,
Everything made to feel and enjoy.

My father made me.
Trained me,
Showed me the true colors
Of Mother Nature.

My father made me.
To hurt,
To cry,
Quiver and die
Internally.

My father was there for me.

And i feel he was by my side
Telling me it's okay to fall

But learn from it,
Even if my birth father wasn't there.

Father i am glad to be your son.

For now
The person,
You wanted me to become


I am in the process.

Publication Date: 02-27-2010

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