Broken Pedestals - Tiffany Haskell (the dot read aloud TXT) 📗

I was broken, tired, lost. Everything I had ever known was gone. All the memories swept over me like a river, tossing me as I drowned. This river originated from my tears that flowed from the depths of my heart. Death to what had once been. I was lost with not a friend in sight. How will I ever live again? How will I ever feel peace? These questions continued to plague my mind. My children’s laughter and drawings of sweet hearts and flowers. When did I lose sight of what was important? How could I live without them? How could I leave them like it did? What is wrong with me? The song was gone from my heart. Hopeless and broken I gave up. I heard a voice, and with my tear stained eyes I could finally see. There he was, beautiful, loving, gracious, forgiving. I bowed my head in shame. With a gentle touch, he lifted my face with his warm life giving hands. Wiping the tears from my eyes. "I love you. I forgive you. You are mine. I have never left. Let me carry you." With great abandon I released the guilt and shame that I held onto for so long. As I laid it all down at his feet, He scooped me up into his merciful loving arms and held me close. Kissing my head and telling me how much he loved me. He told me about the pain and suffering he took for me. The tears he shed for me, and the prayers that he prayed. The price was paid. He was there watching me and waiting for that perfect moment. That very perfect moment that I came to the end of myself. “ I cannot do this on my own! I cannot bear this guilt and shame! This sorrow in my heart is squeezing the very life out of me! Jesus…I need you!” The very moment I mentioned his name, He took me in his loving arms and made me whole again! Giving me a new song in my heart. I know him in a new and amazing way that I never knew him as before. The road I traveled and the loss I experienced, brought me to the very end of who I thought I was. This is my story...



In the deep waters of my heart, I hear a small gentle voice that is strong. As my heart beats, the voice is still heard. I reflect on the family members that have gone on and I am reminded that they too lived with the same struggles I face today. Heartaches, heart loves, heart longings, heart loss, and heartlessness. All of these we have all felt at one time or another. There is a golden thread that runs deep in the veins of anyone that has breath. There is a longing that is endless and that cannot be filled. I am sure you know what I am talking about. Haven’t you ever had someone disregard your feelings? Have you ever felt lost when family and friends surrounded you? What about that first time of feeling rejected? Our whole lives we live wanting to be loved and accepted. My mom and dad separated when I was four. I am sure I felt as though he left me. But he didn’t. It was just circumstances. When I was in kindergarten, the teacher recognized one child’s birthday and not mine. When I was eight I remember riding in a carpool with some girls to dance class. They always had snacks and never shared with me and I had none. I know what it is like to have someone eat in front of you when you are hungry and not share. It is a bad feeling. So I have always felt uncomfortable eating in front of others who were not eating. When I was ten, my best friend said that I could not come over anymore. I cried bitterly over that. I remember going to my mother in tears and she comforted me. When I was in the 6th grade at Christmas time, a group of girls gave out gifts and left me out. When I was thirteen I was made fun because I was flat chested. The boys called me wallpaper! So embarrassing. When I was in high school I went to try out to be mascot. I stayed up all night making my costume and preparing an act. When I arrived to tryouts, all decked out like an eagle with wings and feet. I did not have the proper paper work with my grades approved by my teachers. The woman leading the tryouts yelled at me in front of all the other girls. “NO mam!! No mam!! You cannot tryout, you do not have your papers!!” I was so broken and humiliated. I went behind the school just broken hearted and threw my hard work in the dumpster. These may seem little and insignificant to you. But actually they are a window into who I am today. This has helped me see and understand why I feel the way I do. Why I am compassionate about certain things. Why I want others to feel accepted. I however had some wonderful experiences that help to counter act these feelings of rejection. From the time I was eight years old until I was eighteen I went to my cousins in Idaho staying with them every summer. They gave me a strong feeling of acceptance and belonging. They were always so happy to see me, and we had such a blast together. They took me to church and I enjoyed vacation Bible school, Sunday school and church camp. This was something I looked forward to all year long. One particular summer when I was 12, I went to church camp. I was really listening to what was being said this time. I was hearing about what Jesus did. That he came and died for my sins. I knew I was a sinner, because I was a very feisty girl. I beat up a lot of boys in my time. I fought my brothers. I stole money out of my mom’s purse one time and bought a bunch of candy. I had lied to my mom one of many times about climbing out of a window to get on the roof to play. I was a sinner, no doubt about it. I learned that Jesus came because I was not able to be good enough to go to heaven. You had to be sinless for that! The song was playing… “Just as I am without one plea but that thy blood was shed for me, and that thou bidts me come to thee oh lamb of God I come… I come..” I could feel that tug in my heart… that small voice getting louder. “Come to me.” It was a gentle loving voice, softly wooing my heart toward peace and acceptance. I struggled with it. I resisted it. Until my heart could no longer hold back anymore! My fingers were clutched so hard on the back of the chair in front of me that my knuckles were white! I let go! I walked down that isle and the kindest lady sat down with me and began to read. Romans 3:20
20Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.
I realized, I couldn’t be good enough. The Ten Commandments, which is the law, I had broken all of them in one-way or another. And now I became aware of my sin.

Then she then read to me.
Revelation 3:20
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

This is the knock I felt at my hearts door! This was the longing I had for complete love and acceptance. The answer to my empty heart!
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER believes in him will not perish but have eternal life!”

I believed! I bowed my head and I confessed I knew I was a sinner. I confessed I knew I could not ever do or be good enough to please God. Jesus paid that price for me.

I believed. I do believe. I still believe.
God is helping me to see more and more how much he loves and accepts me. I have fallen to the darkest dark. I have been rejected so deeply by ones I have loved and esteemed so highly. It took me losing it all to see with clearer eyes what God did for me and how much he loved me.

Now lets move forward about 8 years. ….

Publication Date: 09-12-2010

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Dedication:
Matthew 9: 20-22 Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.