Life of St Teresa of Jesus - Teresa of Avila (classic books for 11 year olds TXT) 📗
- Author: Teresa of Avila
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Order, or every member of them by himself, labour, that by his
means our Lord would so bless his own Order that it may serve Him
in the present grave necessities of His Church. Blessed are they
whose lives are so spent.
21. I was once asked by a person to pray God to let him know
whether his acceptance of a bishopric would be for the service of
God. After Communion our Lord said to me: “When he shall have
clearly and really understood that true dominion consists in
possessing nothing, he may then accept it.” I understood by this
that he who is to be in dignity must be very far from wishing or
desiring it, or at least he must not seek it.
22. These and many other graces our Lord has given, and is giving
continually, to me a sinner. I do not think it is necessary to
speak of them, because the state of my soul can be ascertained
from what I have written; so also can the spirit which our Lord
has given me. May He be blessed for ever, who has been so
mindful of me!
23. Our Lord said to me once, consoling me, that I was not to
distress myself,—this He said most lovingly,—because in this
life we could not continue in the same state. [10] At one time I
should be fervent, at another not; now disquieted, and again at
peace, and tempted; but I must hope in Him, and fear not.
24. I was one day thinking whether it was a want of detachment in
me to take pleasure in the company of those who had the care of
my soul, and to have an affection for them, and to comfort myself
with those whom I see to be very great servants of God. [11]
Our Lord said to me: “It is not a virtue in a sick man to abstain
from thanking and loving the physician who seems to restore him
to health when he is in danger of death. What should I have done
without these persons? The conversation of good people was never
hurtful; my words should always be weighed, and holy; and I was
not to cease my relations with them, for they would do me good
rather than harm.”
25. This was a great comfort to me, because, now and then, I
wished to abstain from converse with all people; for it seemed to
me that I was attached to them. Always, in all things, did our
Lord console me, even to the showing me how I was to treat those
who were weak, and some other people also. Never did He cease to
take care of me. I am sometimes distressed to see how little I
do in His service, and how I am forced to spend time in taking
care of a body so weak and worthless as mine is, more than
I wish.
26. I was in prayer one night, when it was time to go to sleep.
I was in very great pain, and my usual sickness was coming
on. [12] I saw myself so great a slave to myself, and, on the
other hand, the spirit asked for time for itself. I was so much
distressed that I began to weep exceedingly, and to be very
sorry. This has happened to me not once only, but, as I am
saying, very often; and it seems to make me weary of myself, so
that at the time I hold myself literally in abhorrence.
Habitually, however, I know that I do not hate myself, and I
never fail to take that which I see to be necessary for me.
May our Lord grant that I do not take more than is necessary!—I
am afraid I do.
27. When I was thus distressed, our Lord appeared unto me.
He comforted me greatly, and told me I must do this for His love,
and bear it; my life was necessary now. And so, I believe, I
have never known real pain since I resolved to serve my Lord and
my Consoler with all my strength; for though he would leave me to
suffer a little, yet He would console me in such a way that I am
doing nothing when I long for troubles. And it seems to me there
is nothing worth living for but this, and suffering is what I
most heartily pray to God for. I say to Him sometimes, with my
whole heart: “O Lord, either to die or to suffer! I ask of Thee
nothing else for myself.” It is a comfort to me to hear the
clock strike, because I seem to have come a little nearer to the
vision of God, in that another hour of my life has passed away.
28. At other times I am in such a state that I do not feel that I
am living, nor yet do I desire to die but I am lukewarm, and
darkness surrounds me on every side, as I said before; [13] for I
am very often in great trouble. It pleased our Lord that the
graces He wrought in me should be published abroad, [14] as He
told me some years ago they should be. It was a great pain to
me, and I have borne much on that account even to this day, as
you, my father, know, because every man explains them in his own
sense. But my comfort herein is that it is not my fault that
they are become known, for I was extremely cautious never to
speak of them but to my confessors, or to persons who I knew had
heard of them from them. I was silent, however, not out of
humility, but because, as I said before, [15] it gave me great
pain to speak of them even to my confessors.
29. Now, however,—to God be the glory!—though many speak
against me, but out of a zeal for goodness, and though some are
afraid to speak to me, and even to hear my confession, and though
others have much to say about me, because I see that our Lord
willed by this means to provide help for many souls,—and also
because I see clearly and keep in mind how much He would suffer,
if only for the gaining of one,—I do not care about it at all.
30. I know not why it is so, but perhaps the reason may in some
measure be that His Majesty has placed me in this corner out of
the way, where the enclosure is so strict, and where I am as one
that is dead. I thought that no one would remember me, but I am
not so much forgotten as I wish I was, for I am forced to speak
to some people. But as I am in a house where none may see me, it
seems as if our Lord had been pleased to bring me to a haven,
which I trust in His Majesty will be secure. Now that I am out
of the world, with companions holy and few in number, I look down
on the world as from a great height, and care very little what
people say or know about me. I think much more of one soul’s
advancement, even if it were but slight, than of all that people
may say of me; and since I am settled here it has pleased our
Lord that all my desires tend to this.
31. He has made my life to me now a kind of sleep; for almost
always what I see seems to me to be seen as in a dream, nor have
I any great sense either of pleasure or of pain. If matters
occur which may occasion either, the sense of it passes away so
quickly that it astonishes me, and leaves an impression as if I
had been dreaming,—and this is the simple truth; for if I wished
afterwards to delight in that pleasure, or be sorry over that
pain, it is not in my power to do so: just as a sensible person
feels neither pain nor pleasure in the memory of a dream that is
past; for now our Lord has roused my soul out of that state
which, because I was not mortified nor dead to the things of this
world, made me feel as I did, and His Majesty does not wish me to
become blind again.
32. This is the way I live now, my lord and father; do you, my
father, pray to God that He would take me to Himself, or enable
me to serve Him. May it please His Majesty that what I have
written may be of some use to you, my father! I have so little
time, [16] and therefore my trouble has been great in writing;
but it will be a blessed trouble if I have succeeded in saying
anything that will cause one single act of praise to our Lord.
If that were the case, I should look upon myself as sufficiently
rewarded, even if you, my father, burnt at once what I have
written. I would rather it were not burnt before those three saw
it, whom you, my father, know of, because they are, and have
been, my confessors; for if it be bad, it is right they should
lose the good opinion they have of me; and if it be good, they
are good and learned men, and I know they will recognise its
source, and give praise to Him who hath spoken through me.
33. May His Majesty ever be your protector, and make you so great
a saint that your spirit and light may show the way to me a
miserable creature, so wanting in humility and so bold as to have
ventured to write on subjects so high! May our Lord grant I have
not fallen into any errors in the matter, for I had the intention
and the desire to be accurate and obedient, and also that through
me He might, in some measure, have glory,—because that is what I
have been praying for these many years; and as my good works are
inefficient for that end, I have ventured to put in order this my
disordered life. Still, I have not wasted more time, nor given
it more attention, than was necessary for writing it; yet I have
put down all that has happened to me with all the simplicity and
sincerity possible.
34. May our Lord, who is all-powerful, grant—and He can if He
will—that I may attain to the doing of His will in all things!
May He never suffer this soul to be lost, which He so often, in
so many ways, and by so many means, has rescued from hell and
drawn unto Himself! Amen.
I.H.S.
The Holy Spirit be ever with you, my father. [17] Amen.
It would not be anything improper if I were to magnify my labour
in writing this, to oblige you to be very careful to recommend me
to our Lord; for indeed I may well do so, considering what I have
gone through in giving this account of myself, and in retracing
my manifold wretchedness. But, still, I can say with truth that
I felt it more difficult to speak of the graces which I have
received from our Lord than to speak of my offences against His
Majesty. You, my father, commanded me to write at length; that
is what I have done, on condition that you will do what you
promised, namely, destroy everything in it that has the
appearance of being
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