Life of St Teresa of Jesus - Teresa of Avila (classic books for 11 year olds TXT) 📗
- Author: Teresa of Avila
- Performer: -
Book online «Life of St Teresa of Jesus - Teresa of Avila (classic books for 11 year olds TXT) 📗». Author Teresa of Avila
did not know what to do in order to change his purpose; and it
seemed to me as if nothing could be done. I implored God, from
the bottom of my heart, to find a way to hinder it; but till I
found it I could find no relief for the pain I felt. In my
distress, I went to a very lonely hermitage,—one of those
belonging to this monastery,—in which there is a picture of
Christ bound to the pillar; and there, as I was imploring our
Lord to grant me this grace, I heard a voice of exceeding
gentleness, speaking, as it were, in a whisper. [2] My whole
body trembled, for it made me afraid. I wished to understand
what was said, but I could not, for it all passed away in
a moment.
4. When my fears had subsided, and that was immediately, I became
conscious of an inward calmness, a joy and delight, which made me
marvel how the mere hearing a voice,—I heard it with my bodily
ears,—without understanding a word, could have such an effect on
the soul. I saw by this that my prayer was granted; and so it
was; and I was freed from my anxieties about a matter not yet
accomplished, as it afterwards was, as completely as if I saw it
done. I told my confessors of it, for I had two at this time,
both of them learned men, and great servants of God.
5. I knew of a person who had resolved to serve God in all
earnestness, and had for some days given himself to prayer, in
which he bad received many graces from our Lord, but who had
abandoned his good resolutions because of certain occasions of
sin in which he was involved, and which he would not avoid; they
were extremely perilous. This caused me the utmost distress,
because the person was one for whom I had a great affection, and
one to whom I owed much. For more than a month I believe I did
nothing else but pray to God for his conversion. One day, when I
was in prayer, I saw a devil close by in a great rage, tearing to
pieces some paper which he had in his hands. That sight consoled
me greatly, because it seemed that my prayer had been heard.
So it was, as I learnt afterwards; for that person had made his
confession with great contrition, and returned to God so
sincerely, that I trust in His Majesty he will always advance
further and further. May He be blessed for ever! Amen.
6. In answer to my prayers, our Lord has very often rescued souls
from mortal sins and led others on to greater perfection. But as
to the delivering of souls out of purgatory, and other remarkable
acts, so many are the mercies of our Lord herein, that were I to
speak of them I should only weary myself and my reader. But He
has done more by me for the salvation of souls than for the
health of the body. This is very well known, and there are many
to bear witness to it.
7. At first it made me scrupulous, because I could not help
thinking that our Lord did these things in answer to my prayer; I
say nothing of the chief reason of all—His pure compassion. But
now these graces are so many, and so well known to others, that
it gives me no pain to think so. I bless His Majesty, and abase
myself, because I am still more deeply in His debt; and I believe
that He makes my desire to serve Him grow, and my love revive.
8. But what amazes me most is this: however much I may wish to
pray for those graces which our Lord sees not to be expedient, I
cannot do it; and if I try, I do so with little earnestness,
force, and spirit: it is impossible to do more, even if I would.
But it is not so as to those which His Majesty intends to grant.
These I can pray for constantly, and with great importunity;
though I do not carry them in my memory, they seem to present
themselves to me at once. [3]
9. There is a great difference between these two ways of praying,
and I know not how to explain it. As to the first, when I pray
for those graces which our Lord does not mean to grant,—even
though they concern me very nearly,—I am like one whose tongue
is tied; who, though he would speak, yet cannot; or, if he
speaks, sees that people do not listen to him. And yet I do not
fail to force myself to pray, though not conscious of that
fervour which I have when praying for those graces which our Lord
intends to give. In the second case, I am like one who speaks
clearly and intelligibly to another, whom he sees to be a
willing listener.
10. The prayer that is not to be heard is, so to speak, like
vocal prayer; the other is a prayer of contemplation so high that
our Lord shows Himself in such a way as to make us feel He hears
us, and that He delights in our prayer, and that He is about to
grant our petition. Blessed be He for ever who gives me so much
and to whom I give so little! For what is he worth, O my Lord,
who does not utterly abase himself to nothing for Thee? How
much, how much, how much,—I might say so a thousand times,—I
fall short of this! It is on this account that I do not wish to
live,—though there be other reasons also,—because I do not live
according to the obligations which bind me to Thee.
What imperfections I trace in myself! what remissness in Thy
service! Certainly, I could wish occasionally I had no sense,
that I might be unconscious of the great evil that is in me.
May He who can do all things help me!
11. When I was staying in the house of that lady of whom I have
spoken before, [4] it was necessary for me to be very watchful
over myself, and keep continually in mind the intrinsic vanity of
all the things of this life, because of the great esteem I was
held in, and of the praises bestowed on me. There was much there
to which I might have become attached, if I had looked only to
myself; but I looked to Him who sees things as they really are,
not to let me go out of His hand. Now that I speak of seeing
things as they really are, I remember how great a trial it is for
those to whom God has granted a true insight into the things of
earth to have to discuss them with others. They wear so many
disguises, as our Lord once told me,—and much of what I am
saying of them is not from myself, but rather what my Heavenly
Master has taught me; and therefore, in speaking of them, when I
say distinctly I understood this, or our Lord told me this, I am
very scrupulous neither to add nor to take away one single
syllable; so, when I do not clearly remember everything exactly,
that must be taken as coming from myself, and some things,
perhaps, are so altogether. I do not call mine that which is
good, for I know there is no other good in me but only that which
our Lord gave me when I was so far from deserving it: I call that
mine which I speak without having had it made known to me
by revelation.
12. But, O my God, how is it that we too often judge even
spiritual things, as we do those of the world, by our own
understanding, wresting them grievously from their true meaning?
We think we may measure our progress by the years which we have
given to the exercise of prayer; we even think we can prescribe
limits to Him who bestows His gifts not by measure [5] when He
wills, and who in six months can give to one more than to another
in many years. This is a fact which I have so frequently
observed in many persons, that I am surprised how any of us can
deny it.
13. I am certainly convinced that he will not remain under this
delusion who possesses the gift of discerning spirits, and to
whom our Lord has given real humility; for such a one will judge
of them by the fruits, by the good resolutions and love,—and our
Lord gives him light to understand the matter; and herein He
regards the progress and advancement of souls, not the years they
may have spent in prayer; for one person may make greater
progress in six months than another in twenty years, because, as
I said before, our Lord gives to whom He will, particularly to
him who is best disposed.
14. I see this in certain persons of tender years who have come
to this monastery,—God touches their hearts, and gives them a
little light and love. I speak of that brief interval in which
He gives them sweetness in prayer, and then they wait for nothing
further, and make light of every difficulty, forgetting the
necessity even of food; for they shut themselves up for ever in a
house that is unendowed, as persons who make no account of their
life, for His sake, who, they know, loves them. They give up
everything, even their own will; and it never enters into their
mind that they might be discontented in so small a house, and
where enclosure is so strictly observed. They offer themselves
wholly in sacrifice to God.
15. Oh, how willingly do I admit that they are better than I am!
and how I ought to be ashamed of myself before God! What His
Majesty has not been able to accomplish in me in so many
years,—it is long ago since I began to pray, and He to bestow
His graces upon me,—He accomplished in them in three months, and
in some of them even in three days, though he gives them much
fewer graces than He gave to me: and yet His Majesty rewards them
well; most assuredly they are not sorry for what they have done
for Him.
16. I wish, therefore, we reminded ourselves of those long years
which have gone by since we made our religious profession. I say
this to those persons, also, who have given themselves long ago
to prayer, but not for the purpose of distressing those who in a
short time have made greater progress than we have made, by
making them retrace their steps, so that they may proceed only as
we do ourselves. We must not desire those who, because of the
graces God has given them, are flying like eagles, to become like
chickens whose feet are tied. Let us rather look to His Majesty,
and give these souls the reins, if we see that they are humble;
for our Lord, who has had such compassion upon them, will not let
them fall into the abyss.
17. These souls trust themselves in the hands of God, for the
truth, which they learn by faith, helps them to do it; and shall
not we also trust them to Him, without seeking to measure them by
our measure which is that of our meanness of spirit? We must not
do it; for if we cannot ascend
Comments (0)