Making Circles - Vanessa Gilbert (recommended reading txt) 📗

sway back and forth. “You don’t need to lie to me, I know you were close to them, and I know the regret kills you every day,” Mike whispered against my forehead.

I let a silent sob and shake slip out then quickly regained control of myself, not now, not here. Mike looked down at me and watched as I whipped the tears away and began to push on him, trying to get as much distance as I could. As soon as I had an arms length of distance I quickly unlocked my car…or at least tried. My hands kept shaking uncontrollable and soon the keys that I was using to unlock my car fell to the cement. “God damn it,” I whispered in a shaky breath.

I bent down to pick them up until a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me back up to stand straight. “You need to stop pushing me away…you need to stop pushing everyone who cares about you away,” Mike said.

“I don’t push people away.”

“Arien, you do. Everyone sees you do it and everyone knows how hard it was for you.”

“No one…knows or can…understand…how hard that night was for me…no one!”

Mike starred at me with hurt held in his eyes and I could feel the down spiral of guilt. Why do I have to be such a good person? “Sorry,” I said in a hushed whisper.

He starred at me hurt still in his eyes….what could I say? No one would really know what I’ve been through when that night happened...no one could ever understand the pain I feel without going through that night. I’ve never been the type to rant on and on with my problems, I usually sat and listened while others complained about their problems. But now, I still don’t complain about my life but if someone should happen to say their life sucks, without missing a beat, I usually begin to describe that night…and that’s when not just rumors but thoughts and feelings began to race around the school. Some people saying I planned the whole thing, that I wanted my two best friends dead. Others say that Terry or Jacie was driving and that I just leaned on their side and tried to take control of the car. Mostly people go with the ‘I wanted them dead’ story.

Everyone at the school hates my guts, everyone at the school wished that I had been the one to die not Terry and Jacie…that I was the one with the rod through my heart. Everyone except my friends…well most of my friends; Allen stopped being my friends after that, Ashley disappeared (causing a whole new set of rumors), and Peter decided I was Satan or something.

The only friends I have are either back stabbers talking behind my back, gossip seekers reminding me everyday why I hate my life, and the rest are very decent but also like to remind me what has happened but they at least apologize for it later. Except Mark, he thinks it’s unfair for everyone to apologize for making me see the truth, making me look back and try to find where I went wrong. I knew where I went wrong, everyday that moment plays in my head a thousand times over and over and finally over again. I have no relief…no escape.  “Arien, why do you intend to keep me as a friend?”

“What?”

“I’m asking you why do you keep me as a friend, I do nothing but give you headaches, don’t I?” Mike asked.

I sighed, “Mark, don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? I’m simply just asking you questions and trying to get answers.”

“No, this is how you get me to lead you into the main topic you like to go over with everyone in a crisis. Where I went wrong? Well, you wanna know where I went wrong? Fine I’ll tell you; I went wrong when I grabbed the keys to the car and I decided that I knew how to drive. I went wrong when I pulled myself into the driver’s seat, buckled up, and turned on the car. I went wrong when I looked at Terri and Jacie and decided that I was good enough that I could risk not only my life but there’s, and now this is my repayment for it…this is my consequence. I have to live everyday knowing I killed my best friends just because I made the stupid mistake of thinking I knew what I was doing. That is where I went wrong.”

I opened my car door, climbed in, and started up my car. There is no way in HELL I am staying to hear is response and no way I’m going to stay to have him go over everything I said. I put the car in reverse and began to quickly back up out of the parking spot I had picked. I turned the car so I’d turn straight out of the parking area for students and pressed on the gas; no way I’m going to look back.

 

I pulled up into the driveway and starred at the house as my car slowly crept up to it. As it did my mind raced about all the things that have happened. I never liked thinking over the day but this time it just felt right to. The only difference here was I wasn’t just thinking about today, I was thinking about the past weeks. The moments between me and Kyle, me breaking up with Carter, Kyle getting a girlfriend; it just seemed like every move I made sent me deeper into problems I never ever wanted. I pulled up to the top of the driveway, put my car in park, then got out and made my way towards the front door. I made it up the first step of the porch before I snapped my fingers and turned around. “Ops, almost forgot my bag,” I thought.

I jumped off the step then walked over towards the passenger side door, opened it, and pulled out my bag. As I did I heard the sound of items falling out of my bag and hitting the bottom of the car. I bent over and gathered all the stuff that fell. My makeup, my pencil bag, some papers, and finally my phone that I forgot I had put in my bag. I stuffed everything back in my bag then turned and went face first into a chest. I took a step back and looked at the face of the chest that I had just bumped into. It was Kyle’s chest; Kyle’s big, broad, muscular chest that I had just ran into.

“Well hello there, this is such a small world bumping into you here,” Kyle said smiling down at me with his boyish smile.

I smiled up at him and said, “Yes it’s so strange for you to bump into me at MY house.”

He smiled and nodded then said, “Well what can I say I wanted to talk to you and not at school, somewhere more casual and free.”

I smiled and nodded, “Yes and my house is the best free casual spot around. So what do you need to talk about?”

“About what’s happened to you and me…to us.”

“Well it’s kind of late to talk about that since you’ve got a girlfriend now,” I said.

Mike smiled and laughed, “Well doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it.”

I’m sorry but in my mind it does. I crossed my arms and put all my weight on one of my legs and starred at him waiting for him to either start or change the subject. “Okay well here I go, just hear me out,” damn it, “we could’ve been something special and…maybe…we still can be.”

My eyes grew wide; is he really talking about this? Is he really talking about us…getting…together?

Chapter Eleven: Making a Decision

 

“Uh…Kyle you have a girlfriend,” I said.

“Yea but I mean we aren’t going to last forever, it’s not like we’re gonna get married or anything. I’m just asking you to just hang around till me and her are over and when we are you and I can…be together.”

I stared at him in disbelief, he is really talking about us…getting together. I threw the bag over one shoulder, pushed past him, then made my way to the door. “Hey, what’s your answer?” He asked, smiling a cocky smiling.

That smile just admitted that he thought that I was just going to say, “Yea, sure I’ll wait for months on end or so waiting for you to end things with this girl of yours. Sure I’ll wait,” well he’s got another thing coming. “I’ll think about it,” I said.

Oh I’m such an idiot. Kyle smiled and watched as I walked into my house and shut the door behind me; time to go over my options.

 

I opened my eyes to the burning sun shining on them and the sound of arguing back and forth. Great mom and Mark are arguing again. I curled into a ball and turned on my side then reclosed my eyes and tried to drift back to sleep. It’s been about four maybe five weeks since Kyle came to me with the proposal of us getting together. I told him I’d think about it, and since then no change as accord with their relationship. Neither with his rapid and excessive asking for my answer; what could I say? I don’t know what I want, I want him but…he’s got a girlfriend and it’s wrong to just throw her to the side just because now I want him.

I let out another sigh then turned on my back and starred up at the ceiling. Well, I could just tell him to screw off and focus on his present girl and just to forget me but…I’m too selfish. I’m not as Mrs. Goodie-Goodie as everyone has me as, I have a selfish, evil, neurotic side that once in a while likes to just take a hold and make me screw up my life. This is the once chance I have to keep it inside and keep my life on the best track. But still…it’s Kyle…but then again I should take in consideration that he’s willing to break up with this sweet girl, who I’ve heard is madly in love with him, just for me…a girl with nothing but bad karma and self esteem issues. Well, I guess here’s my chance to tell him what’s what and what’s not.

I can tell him for once and for all to just ignore me…to just move on. Since it’s the weekend I can call him over or go over to his place, sit down with him, and tell him straight up that he should just stay with what’s her name. I starred at my phone for the longest of moments…pondering what could happen if I just didn’t tell him any answer, if I just act like he never asked, like he and I are just going to stay friends. It would save our friendship and this poor girl who’s just falling for the right person at the wrong time. I guess this is also just a wakeup call for me. Sophomore guys and freshmen guys aren’t mature enough to handle a relationship and I should just tell all who ask that are in that grade group