When We Let Go - Delancey Stewart (ebook reader ink txt) 📗

I went to the library first thing in the morning, paid the subscription fee to resurrect my old website and watched it go live again. There. That was a start.

Next, I drove to the lodge and parked out front, relieved to see Cam’s big truck still there. I was heading for the doorway when I saw Jess sitting on a bench down the walk. She was looking out at the wide clearing around which the parking lot flowed. It wasn’t a meadow exactly, but it was full of grass and wildflowers, and in the mornings it sometimes held a low mist that floated above the greenery.

Jess sat with her eyes closed, breathing deeply. Her skin was almost translucent and something about her struck me as angelic, ethereal. Otherworldly.

“Hey,” I ventured, walking close to her. “I don’t want to interrupt.”

Her eyes opened slowly and a friendly smile spread across her face. “I’m happy to see you, Maddie. Will you join me?”

I barely knew this woman. And she’d known my brother only since the time he’d decided to keep me from his life because of my choices. I had no doubt that she’d heard all about the worst aspects of me, and she knew the good parts of me only through what she might have gotten directly from me over the phone. I wasn’t expecting an easy friendship between us. I sat down softly, keeping several feet between us.

“I don’t bite,” she said, scooting closer to me.

I had no idea what to say. The idea of my brother having a wife had been strange enough, and she’d emailed photos so I knew what to expect in some ways. But finding that Cam had married this fragile soft creature was like a revelation to me, and a new view of my brother’s personality was revealed in her.

“I’m so sorry we haven’t met in person before,” she said. She seemed undaunted by my inability to speak, leaning toward me and smiling warmly. “I tried to get Cam to close this gap years ago.”

“You’ve been amazing. If it weren’t for you, I would know even less about my brother’s life. At least, thanks to you, I have a vague idea what’s going on with him.” We sat silently for a moment, Jess wearing an easy smile. “How did you guys meet?” We’d never discussed her first days with Cam.

“We met after your mother died. It was a really hard time for him. For you both, I’m sure.”

I nodded. Cam had never acknowledged that it might have been hard for me to lose Mom.

“He was angry. About a lot of things.”

“How did you meet?”

“In a grief group, actually.” She said it matter-of-factly, and I tried to imagine Cam going voluntarily to any kind of therapy.

“I didn’t know.” My heart was threatening to pull apart, the seams starting to stretch and fray. I cleared my throat to make sure no tears would find their way out.

“He’d lost your mom and dad at the same time, in a way.” She smiled sadly. “But all he talked about was you. That was how I knew I needed to help him hang on to you.”

I couldn’t help but stare at her. I’m sure my mouth fell open, and everything I felt must’ve been clear on my face. It had been hard for him. He had cared. He’d walked away from me, and then he’d grieved my loss as if I’d died. In one way I was touched, but a much more tangible and virulent emotion rushed through me—rage. “I didn’t die,” I bit out. “He left me. He abandoned me.”

Her smile didn’t waver. “Every situation is colored by your experience of it, right?”

I wanted to tell her to be quiet, being all sage and wise in the face of my anger. But she was calm, and her smile was a small comfort. And she was far too nice to be angry at. She was also right.

“He has missed you so much, Maddie. He has photos of you from childhood. He looks at them when he thinks I’m not paying attention.” The smile finally faded. “I need you to make up.” She said this with a plea in her voice and a finality that got my attention.

It must be true then. She must be really sick. But my future with Cam was not in my control alone. “He pretty much told me how it would be last night. He left me again.” I looked down at my hands, momentarily embarrassed by my ability to regress so completely, to blame everything on my big brother as if we’d just been scolded for making a mess.

But I did blame him. He could stay and try to make this work, but he was going to turn his back and leave, knowing that I had failed, that I was suffering, too. Maybe he couldn’t help me at all, but he could at least be my brother. It didn’t matter though, because I didn’t have what he needed. I couldn’t help him. Now I felt like I wasn’t just failing my family and myself. I was also failing this ethereal stranger, this frail angelic girl before me. “I don’t have any money. I can’t help.”

“Cam doesn’t need your money, Maddie.”

“That’s what he asked for.”

“Because he’s too proud to ask for what he really needs.”

“Which is?”

“Forgiveness.” She sat back then, and I got the feeling that she was letting that sink in. After a moment she spoke again. “I’m not going to be here for long, I know Cam told you I’m sick. And I love your brother with everything I am, with all the strength I have. And he needs you. He’s going to need you more soon.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I felt like I’d do almost anything to comfort her, this near-perfect stranger who loved my brother as much as I did. “Please fix this, Maddie. Please.”

I shook my head slowly. “I have no idea how.”

Heavy footsteps approached and Jess’s face told me that Cam was walking towards us. “What’s this?” he said, his voice strained. He was trying to sound jovial. “A meeting of the minds? Am I in trouble?”

“Probably,” Jess said.

He took her hand and lifted her to her feet. “Ready to go, darlin’?”

She looked pointedly at me and then up at him. “No, actually. I’d like to stay another night. I felt so tired last night, I really didn’t get to look around at all. I’d like to see these big trees I’ve heard so much about.”

“They’re just trees, Jess,” Cam said, putting his arms around her. He cast a sideways glance at me. “They’re nothing special.”

I couldn’t help myself. I coughed out the word “bullshit” as if we were drinking beers in a bar. For one second Cameron’s face lightened, and he almost laughed. But then he remembered that he was angry with me, I guess, because he shook his head.

“We should get you home, honey.”

“I’m tired of home. I’m tired of rest.” Jess pulled out of his embrace. “I’ve asked to meet your sister for years, and I am not leaving now.” She stood before us, her hands in fists at her side. I had the impression that she was gathering all her strength for this show of defiance.

And Cam’s face revealed everything. He couldn’t deny her. He loved her completely, and I could see that he would do anything for her. He looked at me, and I could see the struggle on his face. A half-smile appeared, as if coaxed there. “Tour of the big trees, sis?”

I could play along. With Jess’s plea ringing in my head, there was certainly no way I could say no.