Another Life - JenniferNewman (best books to read in your 20s .txt) 📗

and full. The tears were still trickling there way down my cheeks but I had no control over them to even think about stopping their awful tracks.
“Rose. Sweetie. Come on look at me. Please tell me what to do!” right if I tell him what to do that would mean I knew what to do myself. Not a chance there then. But I looked up anyway where of course I find him eyes full of worry and completely forget what Cody had said about me not meaning a thing to him. I didn’t care now and juts snuggled up to his side closing my eyes. I heard soft humming as a tune I had never heard before.
We were silent for a long time not saying anything just sitting with each other blocking out the outside world that was so cruel. Finally when Parker spoke he asked me about the dream. When I spoke to answer him I didn’t even recognise my voice it was all thick and slow and the worst part was I couldn’t even detect a single part of emotion hiding in its depts. Before I knew it I was telling him every aspect of the damn dream in the same hollow voice. Every detail I uttered made Parker’s face transform into something even more animal like. When I had finished I started to regret not trying to stop my damned hollow voice from saying it all at all. I was such a freaking idiot! From the look on Parker’s face I would not have put it past him to start punching walls again. Instead I was surprised by how it softened and he simple pulled me closer and onto his lap where I just looked at him in the best apologetic look I could muster. It was not good enough I should be trying more he has helped so much. I'm just difficult.....
“Hey get that look of your face. It’s fine. And don’t start taking it back I'm glad you told me.” Well I'm not. I swear only yesterday I had noticed the sadness in Parker’s eyes. How could I have made it freaking worse by telling him this! Was I really turning into that much of a bitch?!?!
“Really stop it...... please.” He begged tucking my head under his chin to keep it there.
“When Sophie gets here I got to go out for one minute. I swear it will only be a minute. I’ll be right back. I have my phone so you can still call my cell. ....... You’ll be okay right?” I could tell from his voice that he was freaking out. I moved my head away from under him chin and looked up at him saying,
“Of course I’ll be okay. Really.” Just keep telling yourself that. Because you know all of a sudden I really don’t care if Cody gets me. My heart had been torn in two to many times. Then I realized that he had said that Sophie was coming here. Well okay. Parker laid my head back under him chin and started smoothing my hair again. I closed my eyes feeling little tingles down my neck where his fingers grazed. The voice of Cody came back t me repeating the words that had stung just that little bit more. ‘It does not mean you mean a thing to him!’ maybe I didn’t maybe it was just guilt that had him comforting me? If possible my heart felt like it was cracking more. Changing shape. Changing my point of view as it did so. Slowly I leaned away from Parker and stood up. He tried to keep his arms around me but I shook him off and started walking towards the first exit I could see to the room. I exited quickly not wanting to look back.
The kitchen was cold when I entered. The window had been left open from last night. I blinked back tears as I remembered only hours ago when my life still felt real. I had not been in this dream like state where I had no idea when I was dreaming and when I was not. I wished I was. Dreaming that is. Give anything to wake up in a minute and just find out that it had all been a terrible nightmare. I would probable laugh with Parker about it or just think secretly how crazy Cody was starting to turn out to be. How sick and twisted his mind must work. I would give anything for that. Yet I knew this would not happen. I could feel it in my heart. This was not the dream. This was life. A life I now had to live on my own. A sleepless life with every waking hour changing path changing my life just that little bit more.
Would Mum have gone out to get the milk if I had gotten it in earlier? Would she have gone out if I had said simple I would get it? Would she? Would that have changed everything if I had just delayed her that vital few minutes?
Before I knew it huge sobs had taken over my body and I came crashing down to the floor with my head in my hands. The breath in my throat was catching making loud gasping noise as I clambered for air. Hands came around me as I curled around myself more. Crushing my legs with my arms as I hugged myself to me.
“Rose. Shhh” Parker’s inviting arms came around me taking me up to his protective chest. My body was heaving with the sobs still running through my body as the memories just get worse and worse. The pain of being alone was deafening. Ever cell in my body was crying out with pain. Closing my earlier worries about Parker right up and allowing me to just curl around Parker’s arms instead. Letting him calm me some. Waiting for the pain to disappear. Of course they would not.
That thought haunted me for some time after Parker had pulled me into his welcoming arms. Until the memories were forgotten? Was that really what I wanted? To not even have the memories of the family I had loved and lost so soon? How could I want that! They were all I had now. I would not be like my mother. Scared of them they were the only love I had now. Only in memories. Only in the past.
A new set of tears cascaded down my cheeks soaking into Parker’s shirt. He was no longer wearing the same top with the middle finger on but now a pale green button down shirt. Soaked with salty tears.
“Shhh baby shhh” he ushered but I simple cried more and more burying my face deeper into his shirt trying to stop my shaking shoulder. No use. Every move I made just made it that much more impossible to breath. To the knowledge in my mind of why I should. Well I sounded suicidal right now..... that’s just a great turn in life.
“Rose?” I heard Parker whisper into my hair as he pulled it away from my shoulders and pushed it down my back. I shuddered at his touch completely forgetting that I had in fact just walked out of the room where I had been snuggled up under Parker’s arm because I thought his feelings were not true.
It’s not hard to believe. That a boy like Parker. A boy who always got the ‘hot’ girls would go for me. It just didn’t happen. Not even when a girl like me is totally in her right mind and has not just had the thought of suicide. Well that just adds to my case right. I could not believe this right now though. Being held against his supportive chest while he muttered nonsense into my hair. It was hard to think anything after I noticed this. My breathing started to slow from its late fast rhythm and back into a normal. Or close another. Speed.
My eyes felt dry as I slowly blinked several times clearing my thoughts trying to make some sense of my freaking life. Well that was already a lost battle right there.
“Rose?” I heard him repeat as he started to once again start stroking my hair down my back and twirling the ends around his finger.
I lifted my head a little trying to let him now that he should go on without me having to attempt the impossible act of speaking aloud. I guess he got the message of simple just carried on whether or not I wanted to hear it. Now I think about it I was not so sure I did. I moved my head back down against his chest and waited for him to carry on.
“Okay.... right. Never mind. Not the time right?.?.?” He stammered. If my mind was not thinking about a million different things at once I would have been concerned as to why the strong steady Parker I had known so far to be stammering. However I still worried so looked up not even caring how my eyes must look. There were some people who look good or well at lease ok when they are crying but as you can tell I am not one of those people. There are also the people that look perfect twenty four seven. These were the type of people Parker should be with. Unlike those lucky girls my eyes always decided to swell up to about twice the size while the whites of my eyes go bright red.
“P-P-Parker? W-w-what is it?” I stammered sounding like a broken radio. Maybe I should not have attempted the act of speak just yet.....
“Hey shhh sweetheart..... it’s nothing. Just ignore me okay.” I laughed harsh laugh at the end and pushed his face down in my hair taking deep breaths that sent shocks through my body as I became very aware of how stupid I was acting. Was this what My Dad would have wanted to happen when he well died? What would my Mum want me to do? See me crying down on the kitchen floor while depending way to highly on a person that felt guilty about my many death threats I was still reserving? What would they both have thought of my pathetic behaviour? Happy? Sad? Disappointed? Or just not given a shit. Yeah I was swearing even if it was sin my head. I had tried to cut down on using words that annoyed mum when Dad had died. Swearing being many of them. Now I saw no point in it I had no one to tell me what to do. No one to prove myself to. No one to care. Well that’s such a nice thought to have while trying to convince myself that this crying is not what I am supposed to be doing right now. Wow Waitago me!
I pulled away from Parker a bit bending my head so I was facing full on with the floor. I mumbled something like ‘sorry one second’ before clambering to my feet and walking out the room and down the hall up the stairs and into the bathroom where I locked the door and went straight over to the mirror.
As I had expected my eyes were about twice the normal size and taking on the impression of a goldfish. There was no emotion in them. Nothing just hollow. And it scared me......
My cheeks were red as well not like it goes when I'm embarrassed but more of a blotchiness. I pushed my hair up and away from my blotchy face with y shaking hands and leaned against the sink behind me. This was crazy!
I wanted to cry but no tears came.