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them around me. Enveloping me in his embrace.
I can hear his soothing words in my ears. His soft breath on top of my head. He soft kisses on my forehead. I hold his chest and cry silently into his chest for a few seconds, before forcing myself to stop.
I can’t let her do that to me. I kiss his neck and smile against his neck.
The image of us on the dark staircase the only light coming from upstairs and Kyle leaning on the banister by the wall, me being so much shorter than him pops into my head and makes me smile. He kisses my forehead once more before I push back to look down and fix my eyes, drying off the tears. I look up at him to see him closing his fists his jaw tensing.
I put my palm onto his jaw. “It’s okay” I whisper. He stares down at me his hazel eyes hard. Hey soften after a moment and I go on tiptoes and brush my lips on his. “I’m okay. I promise”


****


Sleeping at home alone is no different for me than sleeping with everyone home.
It’s normally so quiet because of mom I have gotten used to not hearing anything. While my dad spends the nights at the hospitals and most of the day too I let Kyle come over.


*****


“so I was wondering. Do you have a date for prom?” I ask while I chop a couple pieces of carrots.
“Kyle, come on. Me at the prom?” she laughs and I smile at the sound.
“I rather spend the night at the zoo.” She stirs fry’s something and I pour the cut up carrots in the pan. She covers it and faces me. “So what about prom?”
I cock my head to the side and try to look innocent. “ well you see I have an extra ticket and no one to go with me so I really wouldn’t want my money to go to waste and go to prom all by myself that would be horrible for my social status..” she laughs and hugs me.
“Oh god I can’t believe im going to say this but fine. Oh my god you owe me so much.” I hug her back tightly and inhale her lilac smell. “You do realize that people will notice. Not only notice but hate. Omg. Those cheerleaders are going to kill me.” She shakes her head and tries to push off. I tighten my grip on her. “ nah. Ill bribe them with you amazing brownies. 100 calories of course” as she laughs and kisses my neck annalise ,mia’s twin sister comes walking down the stairs slowly. “Hey annalise! Whast up?” I ask. She shrugs and walks past me to her medicine cabinet. “Fine and you?” her voice was shaky as she poped the little pills in her mouth and rushed them down with water. Mia stiffens and pulls away checking on diner.
“good”
“good”
“I want to visit mom.” Annalise says her voice quiet.
“You know you can’t do that annalise” mia’s voice sounds suddenly tired.
“Why not. She’s going to die might has well see her soon. Or what you haven’t realized our mother had cancer?” her voice adds venom to the last words and sighs; she continues shaking and runs her hands through her hands again. Grabbing an apple she starts to twist it around in her hand and stare at me. “You really should talk to her. But yet again im her fudging twin and she won’t talk to me.” I stare at her and help mia set the table.
“Im going to the hospital after dinner weather you like it or not.” Her voice sounds stronger.
Mia turns around and puts the food on the table and I could see her lip trembling “fine annalise whatever.” She sits down and serves herself some food.

***


The hospital is white and clean. I remember my freshman teacher once told me while reading some book that white was supposed to be some sort of purity color. Of how it’s almost like a new start.
I think they should repaint.
The corridors are long the floors shiny the nurses sympathic and the doctors serious. The different emotions, the different options. So many different people.
Annalise walks next to me. Her black sneakers contrasting against the white of the tile floors. I exhale and roll my shoulders around a couple of times. Kyle seems to notice and automatically takes my hand and squeezes it. “Annalise, please don’t do this.” She nods her head stubbornly. “I have to.” Her short curly hair identical to me hit her face as she shakes her head.
C23 ICU cancer ward.
Here we go.


****


Mom was in bed. The iv plugged in and dad was sitting next to her. The magazine he was reading still open to the first page.
“mom” I close my eyes. I hear the shuffles of surprises as my dad hugs annalise.
“oh darling you came out of your room! How are you doing?”
“oh pumpkin are you feeling okay?”
“ sweetheart do you need anything?”
I almost roll my eyes,when I see my moms hand curl around the sheets.
“hey mom” I say as my dad fusses over annalise. I grab her hand and hold it.
It was cold almost like she was dead already. I hold it with both hands and blink back tears. “ what’s up mom? Andrew sends his hellos. Too much work and not enough time.” I cough lightly and she smiles. The unsaid question hangs in the air.
“honey?”
“yeah mom?”
“why is annalise outside the house, visiting me?” her voice is hoarse. I swallow back a sob.
“…”
“honey?”
“yeah mom?”
“Im so sorry”
I let a couple of tears escape and lay her hand back on the bed and pat it gently. Reaching over I hug her quickly.
“ I am too.”


***

I stand at the door watching her dad fuss over her sister. She was crying and I walked over to her.
“Hi, Suzanne” I ask. Grabbing mia I pull her up. “We really have to go but it was great to see you.”
I grab her hand and pull her out and then grab annalise and her dad sits down again to re-read the same page of the magazine he has been reading.
Annalise walks to the car and slams the door. I help mia in and try not to look at annalise’s smug face.


****


The ride home is quiet and i look back at the moon and then back at my hands, tangled into my dress as small tears form in my green eyes
Grabbing my shoes I climb back up the small hill and up towards the white house with one lonely light on in the second floor.
2 shadows walk by the window laughing.
My bare feet felling the cold of the wood as I climb back up the wood steps. Opening the door I close it gently behind me and walk back upstairs.
Passing the second floor I proceed up the stairs to the attics room.
Opening my door I duck my head form the low door hinge. Straightening I turn my side lamp on and the small light pools over my space. My bed by were the window was small white Christmas lights hanging over the small ark made from the walls.
My bed fit into a small nook surrounded by walls filled with books on built in shelves.
My desk and book shelves. Next to my bathroom door was a full length mirror and a small drawer. To the very left corner was a small rocking chair a small chimney infornt of it.
Sighing I throw my shoes in my closet and walk to my bathroom.
As I stand under the hot water I scrub away any evidence of what happened that night. My arms left red with the pressure I scrubbed.
The water at my feet by the drain swirled brown with the dirt and blood taken off my body. My mascara marking my cheek as it washes away from my eyes.
Once I realize that nothing that happened tonight can ever be scrubbed off with just simple dove soap and your favorite loufa, I stand there under the now running cold water and let the tears stream out as fast as the water streaming out from the faucet.
Were the cold drops hit it’s like a million shots sent to that point of skin and I start to shiver.
Turning off the water I get dressed and braid my hair.
My mind blank and my head throbbing I slip under my covers and turn off the lights above me.
The only light left was the moons yellow glow coming in from my window.
And I fall asleep with the light of the moon and the tree branches brushing against my window like an admirer knocking at a window.


*****


There is a beeping alarm somewhere. It’s distant and irritating.
I try to turn it off in my mind, for it is interrupting my dream but I realize it’s not in my dream.
Flustering I open my eyes and rub my eyes, trying to fully awake.
The beeping continues and I sit up and look for the source of the sound.
I don’t have an alarm clock and it can’t be the fire alarm.
I look over to my desk to see my bag and my phone resting slightly on the bag.
A red light flashing indicating a new message, or messages.
Getting up I tug my phone from its charger and toss the phone on my bed.
Forgotten by the urge to pee.
Showering and getting changed I make my bed, staring at the drops of rain starting to splash onto my window. The sound of rain hitting the pavement outside was calming.
Throwing my phone in my bag I walk downstairs and tug an umbrella from the umbrella rack and rush outside.
Calling Kyle he and I agree to meet outside the coffee shop the next town over. I get In my car and drive there.
He is already there sipping coffee, a green cup in front of him says my name in black sharpie and I smile.
“Ready to go?” I ask wanting to get to the hospital.
He nods and holds my hand.


*****


We were sitting in her mom’s room when her mom asked mia to get her some water. She gets up her face bright and happy and opens the door towards the cafeteria.
I smile and Suzanne and she close her eyes and nods off.
“Oh Kyle, honey, be a dear and take good care of my baby doll. Okay?” Her voice is low and I sit next to her,
“Yes of course. But you’ll be fine you’re going to take care of your own baby doll. Not to worry!” I try to sound positive but her sick stricken face worries me and I pat her hand. “And you get to come home today we just have to wait for the okay and well be outta here!”
She nods and pats my hand. Softly.
“Just make sure you take care of my baby doll. Okay promise me” she opens her eyes and I can’t help but nod.


****

The night of prom I
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