FEUD OF THE WORLDS - MARCO PALMER (best fiction novels of all time TXT) đ
- Author: MARCO PALMER
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Feuds start for all sorts of reasons â pig stealinâ or violatinâ one of our women folk â even lookinâ toooooo long at one of our women folk â or at one of our pigs for that matter â even grinninâ when you shouldnât oughta be grinninâ - Yep, thatâll start a feud in these parts and in my âsperience, scores ainât easily settled âround here without a whole lotta Hellfire and damnation. I reckon that in all my fifty-two years, thereâs been feudinâ most everyday âcept for Sundays and holy days - days we lay down our rifles and slingshots, put aside our differences and come together âround the table of the Lord to speaketh in tongues of angels and picketh up the deadly serpents. But then just as shore as fried possum grits âll burn a hole in your britches, Monday comes again and we all go back to feudinâ. I canât rightly recall what the Cartwrights did way back when â rustled some cows or so the story goes â but weâve been feudinâ ever since. This ainât âbout the feud betwixt us and the Cartwrights however. Since Iâve lived to tell it, Iâm settinâ down the record of the feud that commenced âtwixt the Earth and wherever it is those aliens comes from.
The feud broke out on a summer night as I recall â not long after sundown, but still light enough to take aim and shoot â not at the aliens yet. Iâm gittinâ to them. To begin with, âtwas just normal feudinâ with the Cartwrights. They was âcross the Tugfork on their side â the Kentucky side oâ the river and weâs on the West Virginia side. Nine of my sons is there âlong with most of my kinfolk, âbout two dozen of us in all and weâs all tryinâ to pick off any Cartwright we could. Of course the Cartwrights is tryinâ to pick us off in return and so bullets is flyinâ back and forth âcross the river, though it was the trees, rocks and bushes that took the worst of it.
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My youngest boy, Methuselah (I reckon heâs nine) got his hat shot off his head and he was mighty upset. âPa,â he cries, âthose Yankee lovinâ cow rustlinâ Cartwrights done put a hole through my hat.â I could see Methuselah was âbout to start bawlinâ and there were tears in his eyes. Heâs ten foot away or so off to my side, crouched behind a boulder and âzamininâ the hole in his hat. I should âsplain that Methuselahâs hat is sort-a like a coon skin cap â âcept the hat werenât made of no coon.
I took aim at a cowering Cartwright from behind the hickory tree I was hidinâ behind, fired a shot, missed, and then called over to Methuselah sayinâ, âYer new hat? The one made outâa olâ Hezekiah?â
âItâs like Hezekiahâs been shot all oâer agin,â moans Methuselah.
I dove to the ground and rolled over to Methuselah. Luckily I had all kinds of practice doinâ this kind of thing in church â and even though the bullets was whizzinâ by like the fiery darts of Satan, my roll was a holy one and the bullets neâer touched me. I then sat with my boy behind that there rock, took a look at that hat and shook with righteous âdigna-tation and anger. âHezekiah was a good dogâ I said, âand âtaint right he should be disrespected now heâs dead. If the Cartwrights want this feud to last another fifty years then shootinâ our dogs is the mosâ low down shameful way they kin go âbout it - even if the dog is now a hat.â I then put that cap back on my boy, and it was like Hezekiahâs tail was wagginâ again â course we kept the the dogâs tail and sewed it in back when we made the hat â but it was like Hezekiah was contented to be in his rightful place on Methuselahâs head, and
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Iâm proud to say Methuselahâs feudinâ nature was revived and he says âLetâs go shoot us a Cartwright, Pa!â
Toothless cousin Ezekiel Tanner saw all this from up above â he was high up in the branches of a sycamore and shooting at any Cartwright who dared raise his cowardly head from whenst they was a hidinâ. But after listeninâ to Methuselah and me, Ezekiel laughed and coughed and wheezed like someone with tubark-ulo-sees and called down sayinâ âHe Heeeeee! You tell emâ Ho-Ho-Hosea. We can shoot our own dogs thank yu very much.â Unfortunately Ezekielâs lapse in con-stration cost him his life and a Cartwright bullet struck him square in the head and he fell out oâ the tree, flat on his old wrinkled face.
âCurse those lilly livered Cartwrights!â I hollered. âNow they got me riled! Itâs one thing shootinâ a hat that used to be a dog, but then to treat a toothless olâ man the same way as they would a dog-skin hat - anâ Ezekiel was a second cousin once removed from my grand-pappy no less! - is just downright ini-quy-tuss!â To Methuselah I says, âGimme some cover fire son.â
I then rolls away from the boulder, picks up Ezekielâs fallen rifle and with the two guns blazinâ I stands up and runs towards the Cartwrights and inta the shallows oâ the Tugfork.
âYEEHAW! TAKE THAT YOU CUUUUUR-SEEEEED CARTWRIGHTS!â I hollers.
I then shoots the hat off a Cartwright who is a pokinâ his ugly inbred red head from âbove a rock on tâother side oâ the river.
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âTHATâS FER HEZEKIAH!â I yells.
I then shoots a Cartwright out oâ a tree in holy retree-be-yu-shee-un for cousin Ezekiel.
âAND THATâS FER EZEKIEL TANNER! EYE FER EYE AND TOOTH FER TOOTH!â I hollers.
Suddenly the feud stopped and like the first day of creation, there is light â light everywheres â itâs as if the sun wanted to peek in on the world while it was night. Everyone and everythinâ was a glowinâ like fireflies, and there was a whininâ like mosquitoes but so loud the sound rumbles and shakes the whole area and makes us cover our ears for the pain of it. Squintinâ and lookinâ up into the light, I sees a space ship âWell, Iâs guessinâ it was from outer space â but it werenât no flyinâ saucer â to me, it looked more like a moonshine still â a big copper barrel with âtach-ments. It passes overhead and then dis-pears over the tree-line on the Cartwright side oâ the river.
I stands there in the Tugfork with water flowinâ by my knees, and dang-nabbit it is like I is a froze there and too dumbfounded to move or say anythinâ. I was frightfully shaken up, but then I comes to my senses and makes a hasty retreat to the shore before the Cartwrights comes to whatever senses they has, (and in my âpin-yun, senses slow and dull from all the incest-us relations in that backward fam-ley) and what was I sayinâ? Right âfore they comes to their senses and starts a shootinâ agin.
Safe behind the rocks, trees and bushes on our side oâ the
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Tugfork, my sons and kin gathers âround me, lookinâ just as stupefied as I is. Methuselah asks, âWhat was that thing in the sky Pa?â Another of my boys, Amos â heâs near sixteen, and looks like a Cartwright with his red hair and freckles, (but I donât hold that aginst him) he says what I is already thinkinâ. âIt was like a flyinâ moonshine still, werenât it Pa?â
âNo Amos,â I corrects him, âI reckons it comes from further away than the moon and shines a whole lot brighter.â I then turns to speak to the rest of my sons and kin and asks, âAnyone wearinâ underwears?â
They shakes their heads and not a one of us is.
âConfoundit!â I swore, âI need somethinâ white fer makinâ a flag oâ truce!â
Then Uncle Obadiah, (who ainât right in the head, and doesnât talk âcept for laughinâ and droolinâ,) blew his nose in a dirty hanky and then hands the rag over, yuckinâ it up all the while.
âMuch obliged Obadiah,â says I even though I was more deeeeeee-sgusted than thankful. I then put the hanky on top of my rifle and holds it up the bushes and waves it âround, givinâ everyone a shower of Obadiahâs snot. âTRUCE! I CALLS A TRUCE!â I shouts. Soon weâs seeinâ red, cause all those carrot-topped Cartwrights come out from their hidinâ places and Lamentations Cartwright, who is the leader of their clan and has a red beard almosâ as long as my black beard, leads the Cartwrights down to the river edge. I in turn leads all us Tanners
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down to our side of the Tugfork, and me and Lamentations faces off âcross the water.
âWhatchu callin a truce fer Hosea Tanner? Today ainât Sunday!â hollers Lamentations.
âBut weâre gonna act like its Sunday Lamentations,â I holler back, âWeâre gonna lay our feudinâ down anâ behaves likes we have the faith to pick up every rattler and cottonmouth they keeps in the church âcause canât yu see? We got ourselves an invasion from outer space!â
Then just like a Sabbath day, all us Tanners and Cartwrights comes together in Christianly brotherly love and we marches up the mountain on the Kentucky side till we comes to a Cartwright cow pasture and there just floatinâ in the air above the field is that flyinâ moonshine still from outer space.
We doesnât have to think twice about whats to do. Lickity-split we ducks down and takes to hidinâ and spyinâ and this is what we done saw: The aliens was after the cows for some strange and wicked reason and also the crops. As the glowinâ copper moonshine still floats there, a great circle of flat grain forms âneath it, and then the grain is taken up in a whirlwind and sucked up inside the space ship. In the meanwhile a beam of light shines down on a frightened cow, singled out from the herd, and that poor heifer is then lifted up in the air. All the other cattle in the field runs away and huddles together at the far end of the pasture and as far away as possible from the aliens whiles they makes a powerful racket of moos and bellows. Then a door kind-
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a slides open in the space ship and two aliens appears â now if Iâd never seen nothinâ like em before I prob-ley woulda soiled my jeans - but I werenât su-prized âbout the way the aliens looks âcuz my oldest boy, Shibboleth, resembles these here aliens â but if you havenât seen Shibboleth, then let me just say thereâs a reason we makes him wear a ten gallon hat - This ainât helpinâ you at all to picture âem is it? Forgit Shibboleth for nows, and lemme tell you about the aliens. Itâs their heads you first notices and it looks like theyâs balancinâ a big fat pig on top oâ their heads. Then you notice that the pig aint no pig, but is just a head, and the head is split down the middle, and thereâs no polite way to say it, but it looks like someoneâs butt. Yep, right
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