The Space Noir Bar - Michael Marino (best classic books TXT) 📗

was too late to take the words back. “Fuck you!” She screamed, “Just..just go fuck yourself. If you think you’re gonna fuck me you’re out of your galactic mind.” Dead silence and I nonchalantly set a course for the Barbarella Planetoid Space Station. If I wasn’t gonna make it with her, then I’d do it with an android.

 

“OK, I’m sorry. We’ll go to Barbarella. I’m sorry,” I repeated in my best apologetic dog with a tail between it’s legs voice. “I’m sorry too,” she said. “I just know we may not come off this mission in one piece or even alive, so we may as well have one good day before they punch our card yes?” She was right, I melted and smiled. “You’re right. the course is set!” She smiled broadly. I leaned over close to her and said softly..”Now..will you get off my back?”

Next stop Barbarella...I popped in an old 32 track tape of Duran Duran and off we flew. 

 

 

Chapter Eight - Sex, Drugs and Cannibliss

 

Barbarella is not a planet per se, or purse say, or say, that’s a nice purse, but rather a space station, an artificial planetoid, an adult alien playground of diverse perversity. In effect the Barbarella space station is a hemmoroid in the vast ass of space located on the inner ring of the behemoth planet, Saturnalia, especially at night where for few space bucks you could enjoy a Saturnalia night special with all the psychedelic psycho sexual trimmings simply by following the psychopathic yellow brick road.

Saturnalia is a planet of immense impropriety where as it’s satellite Barbarella was Dystopian debauchery taken to the extreme edge of mental stability. To borrow and paraphrase the ancient ones..it is the hap, hap, happiest orb in Dystopia! I had wanted to come here for a long time, but couldn’t justify it on the expense account. My secretary and Sandoz  didn’t like to cook the books and I couldn’t afford the ticket to ride on what the agency was pulling in. So now it was time to see ...see the stuff that wet dreams were made of...the Barbarella Planetoid!

Where else can you rock and roll on the solar systems most intoxicating Soma drug theme park ride. That's right, we're talking the Roach Clip Roller Coaster where it rocks you while you roll your own! It's all  part of the far out fun and like wow excitement of the solar system  where Soma, ganja and good times are as normal as inhaling and exhaling.

It’s also a cannabis  wonderland of weed with themed robots (Toho creations once again...they own bot market!)  Reggae Mouse Mickey, Ganja Duck Donald and Voodoo Goofy! If you're looking for angel dust, don't be surprised if Whacked Out Tinkerbell doesn't dive bomb you with a dime bag of hallucinogens as you begin your journey through a real three dimensional dementia of Fantastic Fantasia Fantasy in the tunnel of love with your plastic fantastic lover. The Bob Marley Mad Hatter Mansion is full of voodoo and magic as you step through the looking glass and bang a gong and hit a bong with the animated automatronic rasta singers.."oooo mon....oooo mon..." be sure to sing along as the gods must be crazy after all!!!

Maryjane and Peter "Waterpipe" Pan take you on a journey where somebody speaks and you go into a dream as you float down the river on a ride that includes stoned pirates and alligators with carnivorous munchies in the fabled realm of Opium Land! Hap, hap, happy hopheads pop up out of the jungle on either side as the world famous Jim "Hempy" Hensons Marijuana Puppets do a real Jamaican jumpin Jupiter jump up ceremony amidst the driving beat of drums and "oooo mon...oooo mon" punctuating the smoke filled air with enough cloud cover to give even an abstaining celibate from Ceres a contact high. It's a laugh a minute Bob Marley Mouseketeers.

 

 

Who’s the leader of the band...as plain as you can see....Marley Mon, Marley Mon, with a big ol' bag of weed! Everybody sing along! Don't forget to pick up your very own custom made voodoo doll ..curse not included but guaranteed to work on that Martian bully who is driving you to suicide because you are as weak and mentally unbalanced as they come. Stick a pin in it...toss it in the fire you just set in the gym, or put a bullet in it when you waste the rest of the kids in the cafeteria...it's fun..it's thrilling...it's deadly....and you'll love stepping through the looking glass at the Barbarella Planetoid  where Cannabis is bliss and Soma Meets Reggae and Weed!

The Barbarella Bimbo Annex next to the main theme park has more rimshots and fun than an evening of Rodney Dangerfield’s stolen jokes and offers rides aboard the Mighty Twin Matterhorn's that form the mountains of the all new Carol Doda exhibit complete with snow capped peaks in the shape of Massive Matterhorn breasts to climb, mount and conquer. Whirling  Tea Cups are nowhere to be found. Instead you can climb aboard the Lily St. Cyr D-Cup Twirling Dodge'em Bumper Boob Cars. Realistic mechanical tits that you control as you plan your D-Cup Demolition Derby by bashing and banging into your opponents well endowed lifelike breast mobiles.

In the all new "Vagina's of the Caribbean" attraction you can board the water canon boats shaped like atomic tits and with a push of a button you can activate the water cannon nipples to spray your opponent and knock them off course. After a cool experience on a hot summer day like this, take a refreshment break at the Mothers Milk Breast Feed Cafe where Orange Whips are served up in delightful suck-a-way breast shaped containers while you enjoy the spectacular effects of the all new Lactating Niagara Falls where Captain Oedipus and his Bi-Sexual Buxom Beauties entertain with fan dancing under the stars while you enjoy sucking on your very own personal "boob" During your vacation on the shores of Lake Lactation, treat the family to a ride aboard the all new Tampon Submarine ride into a cavernous automated vagina, or try your luck as an Amateur Stripper at Strip-o-Rama where you can dress as your favorite dominatrix from Betty Page to that girl on the phone your boyfriend or husband has been calling. Lifelike automatons kneel and beg while you beat them to a pulp...fun in the sun as you get hip with whips. Strip-O-Rama has Peep Show Alley where all tastes are catered to in the privacy of your own or a double booth. For the truly macabre enjoy the stripping action in the "John Wilkes" Booth where nude models re-enact the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, only this time instead of Ford's Theater, old Honest Abe is a drag queen waiting to go on stage in North Beach.

Gay? Not that there's anything wrong in the 30th Century with it so if you're gay or just hysterical...enjoy the flamboyant Fairyland where you too can be Tinkerbell's best friend and a Lost Boy or Girl no more quoth the raving. You can enjoy the Ed Wood Angora Singers do "Mincing with my Baby" and a few Broadway tunes from the new  musical...."God, I Love to Shop!" The Isle of Lesbos ride is another fun packed adventure attraction for girl on girl giggles, or hop aboard the Tranny Train and ride, ride, ride!

As a vacation destination, Barbarella sun, fun and buns! Clothing is optional in the park and men are reminded to get that silly smirk off your face...you're not really hung like a Louisville Slugger and your balls are not National League material. In Bimboland...Vagina's are Victorious and Tits and Ass Rock!

 

We spent the day and part of the night waxing and waning on drugs and pseudo sex stimuli simulators and hit the sleep tubes wasted and numb, but knew we had to pull ourselves together in the moan of the morning of the day after the night before. 

 

The next day would bring a crashing reality to light...and it all  began in a backstreet Barbarella barwhere I got a peek into a part of Asrini’s past,  hidden in the dark, when Vector Laslo walked up to us in the bar. Vector Laslo, notorious, rebellious and dashing hero of a failed attempt at revolution on his home planet  of Clitoria,  not far from the Barbarella asteroid. As he walked near us in a confident stride Asrini looked up and I could see her eyes fill with tears and could tell her heart was awash in love and passion….and it was all for this...a lost love from the past. He had managed to elude the police and made his way to Barbarella, the one neutral orb in this quadrant.

 

He bent over kissed her hand. “Vector!” she cried out with obvious emotion. She stood and hugged him in a movement so endearing I wanted her even more now than ever. I could feel the pounding of two hearts in love but was soon to learn their story.

 

Asrini was a seasoned Comred agent, Vector a former professor at the Clitorian University.  They met when Asrini was assigned to infiltrate his clandestine organization as a spy. While she pretended to work for the underground getting the revolution fired up she fell in love with him and confessed that her original  mission was aimed at bringing him down and turning him over  to Clitorian authorities, allies of the Retropolin Com-Reds He must have been a masochist as the news obviously excited him enough to light the fuse of his libido..he too fell in love with her in a swirl of revolution, intrigue and violence.

One day as they were making love, their passions were overshadowed by the stomping of Comred boots and the roar of  tanks rolling down the center of town .  They managed to barely escape to Barbarella, a neutral zone to obtain papers to exit the asteroid as the Comred bloodhounds were hot on their trail. Arrest meant certain death, but first Vector needs a cover story  bide his time, so he buys a bar,  names it Vectors Cafe Jakarta and hires a cyborg piano player named Sam who plays "As Time Goes By" ad nauseum. 

 

One day as Vector is working on a booze order in the back he  says, "I thought I told you never to play that song? I’m sick of it! Don’t you know any Jerry Lee Lewis tunes for Christs sake!" It is then, that Vector notices Asrini looking hurt at his comment about her favorite song. He apologizes and says, Play it again Cyborg!

 

Rini was now wanted by Com-Red Intell and had to leave faster than a speeding bullet. That’s when she walked into my life. Now Vector Laslo walked back into hers.

 

Almost immediately the embers in her heart spark into flame, and Asrini is torn by the passion of love from the past the political passions that mix with the emotion of love that Vector has ignited. Makes for an awkward, yet interesting physiological ménage a trois, non?

 

I invited Vector to join us. Later that night after visiting with the couple, Vector let the booze do his talking and  had one of those reflective Frank Sinatra 3 o'clock in the wee smalls moment with a drink