Not Being You.. - Kalai Selvi Arivalagan (distant reading txt) 📗

Again....again

Wild nights - Wild nights!

Were I with thee

Wild nights should be

Our luxury!

 

Futile - the winds -

To a Heart in port -

Done with the Compass -

Done with the Chart!

 

Rowing in Eden -

Ah - the Sea!

Might I but moor - tonight -

In thee!

Emily Dickinson

 

She opened her bleary eyes when the cat, all seven pounds of squirming flesh, climbed onto her belly. Squinting into the sunlight streaming in from the open window, she discovered that she was now the weary possessor of a pounding headache, and at some point, had managed to lose both a tooth and a spouse.

 

The early morning sunlight didn’t soothe her tired nerves but a long trail of tears stained her cheeks within seconds. Sarayu pushed aside the cat as she always felt creepy for its warmth resembled her estranged spouse.

 

Life is really a mystery to solve. How can things that we adore so much at one time can turn hostile at another time? Even though she never expected too much from him, the second when she realized he was taking advantage of her broke her heart.

 

“How can you be so dumb?’ Sarayu asked this question again and again to herself but could not find a valid answer. Moving away from him looked as the better choice and she wanted to stay away from everyone at least for one or two years. Once she started exploring the nuances of living alone helped her to explore areas that were buried deep inside her soul. Life looked somewhat peaceful. Yet, some bad karma left behind unanswered started to chase her at an unexpected moment.

 

“Hmm” she reluctantly climbed down the cot and rinsed her eyes in the ice-cold water. After a few splashes of ice-cold water, she felt better. Within seconds, she came out of her cranky mood.

 

Few sips of green tea made her brisk again. Colleagues at office learnt her the habit of having green tea. Though taking green tea looked like a fad, a crazy ritual followed by all in twenties, irrespective of gender, green tea became their champion of good health.

 

Days seemed lengthy with more time to do what she loved to do. Earlier when she was too occupied with household chores and other mundane work, she would go to the dentist. Going to a dentist always sounded weird for others. But, for Sarayu that exercise meant to be the time to relax and wait till the dentist cleaned the tartar with water splashing through the nozzle that the dentist artistically moved through the sensitive crevices of her mouth. Pulling out a tooth turned trivial when she had to cope up with the physical and mental stress at home. Streaming abusive words from her spouse made her cringe with shame and she always wondered for what benefit she was into that marriage. Every minute spent along with him increased her heart beats not out of excitement but with fear and uncertainty. Though she wanted to have her own baby, nothing materialised. Satisfying him merely on the bed turned out to be a usual task without any expectations.

 

Fanciful nights turned out to be painful nights that snatched away her sleep. Insufficient sleep drove her crazy and her brain cells failed to cooperate with her. That drastic change affected her work and she failed to meet the expectations of her employer. Someone in the management took hold of this situation and played the cards to chuck her out from the office. Without giving any valid reasons, Sarayu was made to submit her resignation letter. Until she had the guts to move out of that abusive relationship, days were dry and painful.

 

Earlier, time was always a constraint. But now seconds ticked in slow pace. Weekends were longer and when she went to office on Monday, it resembled days after a rejuvenating vacation. Clean as a unwritten slate, willing to take up any responsibility, her energy level soared along with the extended space in her heart.

 

Around 3 p.m., she left office after completing her assigned jobs. While travelling alone in the lift from 12th floor where her office was, Sarayu blinked at her posture on the side mirrors. Though there was puffiness around her eyes, there was some returning glow on her cheeks.

 

“Good girl, you are way into recovery” appreciating herself, she pressed her card to open the entrance gate.

 

“Hi, what a surprise?” a familiar voice stopped her.

 

Sarayu could not recognise the person. The other lady looked really happy for having met her.

 

“I am meeting you after 2 decades, that is, 20 years.” She once again wondered in a loud voice.

 

“Oh! What is the big deal? What makes you so happy after seeing me?” Sarayu questioned the other lady in a humble voice.

 

“I know you are Sarayu. But, where is that commanding voice. You sound so feeble.” The other one shared her concern.

 

“Hmm. Will you please let me know who you are?” Sarayu queried.

 

“Thank God, you could not recognise me” the other one sounded unhappy.

 

“Please excuse me. I could not really get you. But, your face looks familiar to me. Sorry, could not recollect who you are.” Sarayu apologised.

 

“I am Tina”, the name sounded familiar and Sarayu spent a few seconds recollecting her old memories.

 

“Yes. I now remember. Sorry, for not recognising you.” Though both of them are of the same age, Tina looked plump and old. Sarayu with her short hair looked ten years younger than her friend.

 

“We came here to the Food court to have our lunch. I am really happy to meet you after a long time.”

 

Sarayu now remembered their association long ago while they were working as teachers in a primary school at their native town.

 

Sarayu led Tina to the park there. The place looked empty except them.

 

“I have so many questions to ask.” Tina looked at her with curious eyes.

 

“Let me know about you before sharing my details” Sarayu questioned her friend as she didn’t want to share her story and make her friend feel uncomfortable.

 

“My sons are grown up and they are married. I have my own time to spend. Nothing special to tell about my life” Tina summed up her life in two sentences.

 

“Hmm” Sarayu let out a deep sigh. She always knew that Tina just wanted to have a normal life and didn’t nurture any aspirations. After recollecting some conversations they had between them as colleagues, Sarayu felt it was she who failed to achieve anything and stood alone defeated and as a failure.

 

“Do you still remember the pain that I shared with you during those days?” Tina asked with a whisper.

 

“Yes. How is your sister?” Though Sarayu didn’t want to talk about those painful memories, she questioned. Those days involved a knot in the relationship when Tina’s brother-in-law wanted to marry her and wanted Tina’s sister to give consent for the marriage. Fortunately or unfortunately, Tina fell sick at that time and it really saved her from that awkward moment. Sarayu remembered how mentally and physically Tina struggled to come out of that emotional blackmailing that shattered the peace of the family.

 

“Good.” Tina replied with a loud laughter. “For me it looks like something like a crude joke. Those are challenging moments that tested my morale and my mental strength.”

 

“Enough, we will not talk about that” Sarayu clasped Tina’s hands tightly. The touch revealed that at last someone is there for her to share her moments and feel relieved.

 

“We live in a so called chaste society. But things that happen within four walls inside our homes sometimes turns out to be the night mare and it only shows the hypocritical mentality of our loved ones.”

 

“Yes, what to do.”

 

“Let things that happened be the past. Let us live in the present and be happy.” Both of them quipped together and they burst into a loud laughter.

 

“Sexual abuse inside homes is something that has been tolerated for decades. I am happy now women are brave enough to come out and question the motives of men.”

 

“I am happy you have come out of that hell. Let us celebrate our friendship with litres of my favorite ice-cream.”

 

“Yes.” Sarayu wanted to chill in the happiness of their renewed friendship after decades. She felt at peace for she is not alone.

Imprint

Publication Date: 02-07-2018

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
Who dare to break the rules