It Starts With a Phone Call - Havah Kinny (books to read this summer .txt) 📗

It starts with a phone call. Kai’s cell rings and he can’t hear the tone, but he feels it vibrate against his hip. He sets his food down and goes towards the house, leaving the back patio so that he can better hear the caller. “Kai here,” he says, shutting the door to the empty house. “What?” his heart drops and his face falls. “No, that’s not possible, it’s just…but yesterday!” Kai can’t even finish his sentence as his resolve crumbles along with his body, missing the couch by only a few inches as he collapses to the floor. “Y-you’re sure?” he asks, gulping as he tries to keep himself stable. “That’s just…shit.” And he hangs up. Just like that. No one notices he’s gone, there’s no way anyone could have, it was a crowded neighborhood barbecue and that’s why Kai is surprised when the door to the house he shares with four others opens.

“Hey, Kai, we’re about to…oh, that’s not good.” Jesse, Kai’s housemate, and close friend despite the four year age difference, shuts the door and walks up to where Kai is sitting on the floor - more half lying down, half sitting. His body is twisted at an odd angle that Jesse can’t really describe and Kai doesn’t care enough to try. “Kai?” Jesse kneels beside Kai’s contorted body. Kai says nothing, does nothing, doesn’t even acknowledge Jesse’s presence. Jesse puts his hand on the boy’s side, trying to get his attention. And then Kai’s yelling.

“Get the hell away from me!” Kai screams, leaping to his feet, throwing his phone at Jesse, hitting the young man in the stomach. Hard. But Jesse doesn’t care, because something’s not right with Kai, and that doesn’t work for him. Jesse doesn’t leave, he doesn’t even move and Kai doesn’t know what to do next. He thinks that throwing the phone should have bought him solitude, but it didn’t and now he’s confused. “Did you hear me?!” Kai bellows, his eyebrows furrowed in anger as he glares at Jesse. He can tell that his body is shaking, he can tell that his jaw is clenched in fury, he can tell that he’s red in the face with anger, but he can’t tell why Jesse doesn’t leave.

“I did.” Jesse nods.

“Then fucking leave! I hate you!” Kai picks up the nearest thing to him, the house’s Scrabble dictionary – the one he and his housemates use when they can’t sleep and want to play word games, the one they always throw when their drunken words aren’t in it, the one they write made up words in when they’re wasted beyond belief…and sometimes even when they’re sober. Kai throws it at Jesse who doesn’t duck even though the book is heading straight towards him. The book collides with Jesse’s chest, but the young man still doesn’t leave, still doesn’t move. “Do you have any respect for me at all?!” Kai yells.

“Yes.” Jesse nods again.

“Then fucking leave!” Kai screams a second time, unsure of how to get Jesse away from him.

“No.” Jesse shakes his head.

“Why not!?”

“Because.” Jesse dares to move closer to Kai, who picks up another book, this one a vegetarian cookbook belonging to one of his house mates, Ryan. The one that Victoria stole when they started going out so that she could cook something Ryan would eat, the one Ryan will kill him for roughing up, the one he suddenly doesn’t give a shit about. Kai’s heart is pounding, no, it’s racing - no, it’s fucking screaming to be let out of Kai’s chest; it’s full of rage, anger, hatred for any and everything that Kai can see, hear, smell, touch, taste or even think about right now. Especially Jesse, who doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that Kai is waving a hard back book at him. He doesn’t care that Kai will throw the book or that it will hit him. “It’s not what you really want.” Kai realizes that Jesse is right.

And then Kai’s crying, sobbing, and Jesse isn’t even surprised by the change of emotion. He just reaches out and pulls the book from Kai’s hand, the action simultaneous with Kai collapsing into Jesse’s chest, his whole body, his suddenly small body, wracked with sobs. Jesse puts the unharmed book back where it belongs and pulls Kai in with both arms, holding the younger man in a comforting embrace that he had never had to use before, not with Kai.

Kai was strong. Kai was always strong. He was always happy. He was always energetic, a powerhouse. And now he’s a mess. A complete mess of shaky sobs and confusion, but Jesse doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter to him that he has no idea what’s wrong. It doesn’t matter that Kai had thrown things at him. It doesn’t matter that Kai had told him he hated him. It just matters that Kai doesn’t hate him, and Jesse can tell, because if Kai really did hate him he wouldn’t be drenching Jesse’s shirt with his tears. Jesse doesn’t say anything, it’s not the right time to say anything. He just guides Kai over to the couch, practically dragging the boy – no, the young man.

He doesn’t have a plan. Jesse always has a plan, but he doesn’t now. He doesn’t have a plan because he didn’t see this coming, not with Kai. He has a plan for if Ryan breaks down. He has a plan for if Saul breaks down. He has a plan for if Victoria breaks down. He never thought about making a plan for Kai. Kai doesn’t break down. Except he is. Right now. And Jesse has no idea what to do. Except nothing, which turns out to be what Kai needs.

Ryan would make a joke. Saul would do a funny voice and try to make everything okay. Victoria would turn on the maternal instinct that she pretends she doesn’t have and ask what was wrong, try to comfort him. Jesse does nothing. Jesse just holds him. He doesn’t rub Kai’s back, he doesn’t whisper comforting words into Kai’s ear, he doesn’t rock Kai back and forth, he doesn’t ask him to stop crying and he doesn’t tell him that things are going to be alright because he doesn’t know what’s wrong and until he knows what’s wrong, he doesn’t know if they will be alright or not. He won’t ask what’s wrong, because that’s not what Kai wants, that’s not what Kai needs. Kai needs to cry. He needs to cry every tear he never has and he needs to let them stain Jesse’s white button down. Not Ryan’s red sweatshirt. Not Saul’s checkered t-shirt. Not Victoria’s black dress. Jesse’s white button down.

He registers every move Kai makes, though. He counts the number of times the young man stops breathing because the sobs are blocking his airway. As of now, it’s 12. He counts the number of times Kai shifts. As of now, it’s 3. He counts the number of times Kai sniffles. As of now, it’s 9. He listens to the changes in Kai’s breathing. As of now, it’s shallow. He hears the volume of Kai’s sobs. As of now, they’re practically silent, and that’s the worst. He pays attention to the way Kai’s body is shaking. As of now, it’s violent, but three minutes ago, it was worse. That means he’s calming down, which means Jesse is doing nothing right. No, he’s doing nothing perfectly.

Seven minutes go by. The numbers are 26, 7 and 14. His breathing is medium, still on the shallow side, but better. His sobs are louder. Jesse can hear them now and that’s better because it’s scary to feel the shaking and feel the tears and not be able to hear a single thing. The shaking isn’t violent. Now it’s just shaking; shaking like a 17 year old who’s just made his campaign speech for student body president and is waiting for the results. And Jesse wonders what happened, but he still won’t ask, it’s still not the right time. He’s not sure there is ever going to be a time to ask. But there will be a time that Kai will want to tell someone, and Jesse will be there.

It’s been half an hour. The numbers are 58, 13 and 36. The breathing is deep. The sobs are coming to a close. The shaking is still there, but it’s faint; Kai’s shaking like someone who just drank three Red Bulls and can’t handle the caffeine rush. Jesse still does nothing and he’s still doing it perfectly. Kai sniffles. 37. And then he talks.

“Your shirt.” That’s all he says. His tone is flat and Jesse feels awful. Kai’s tone is never flat. It’s always something and now it’s nothing. He doesn’t say anything and it takes three more minutes, 4 more stopped breaths, one more shift and 7 more sniffles for Kai to speak again.

“It’s soaked.”

“I know.” Jesse nods.

“Oh.” Kai feels like he should slide off of Jesse, like he should give the young man his personal space, but he also feels like he doesn’t want to, and right now he doesn’t care about Jesse’s personal space. “I threw a phone at you.”

“I know.” Jesse nods.

“I threw a book at you.”

“I know.” Jesse nods again.

“You’re still here.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.” Kai could take that I love you and make Jesse take it back. He doesn’t. He could take that I love you as friendly. He doesn’t. He could take that I love you and ignore it. He doesn’t. He doesn’t, because all of those options would be wrong.

“I love you too.” Jesse could take that reciprocation as an awkward response without feelings attached. He doesn’t. Jesse could take that reciprocation and ignore it. He doesn’t. Jesse could take that reciprocation and take advantage of it. He doesn’t. He doesn’t, because, like Kai’s options, they would all be wrong.

It could be awkward, but it’s not. They could be asking each other what kind of love the other one means, but they don’t. They don’t because they don’t have to. The age difference doesn’t matter, it never really did, though they both pretended that it did to keep them from acting on their feelings.

Kai’s emotions are cracked open now, and his feelings are lying on the floor. Jesse’s heart is breaking for Kai and his feelings are pouring in to Kai’s body to take the place of the ones that left the young man. It’s good though, because Jesse has a big heart and more than enough feelings for the both of them, at least until Kai can get his own back. So at that moment, they both know exactly what the other one means and they both know that the other knows.

They don’t say it, though, they don’t want to. Saying it would be too scary. Saying it would be too real and too much is already real for Kai right now. Just not in the good way. Kai doesn’t need words. Words just broke his heart. He needs contact. Contact just saved his life and he needs more. But not too much, so he takes what he needs. He places his lips gently at the corner of Jesse’s mouth and steals the small, but not hesitant kiss that’s been saved just for him. And then Kai’s