This Sporting Life - Paul Curtis (ebook offline reader TXT) 📗

is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue

DRESSING UP

They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away

When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside

But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend

They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress

Golf

SPOT THE BALL

Well the difference is between
A golf ball and a wife’s G-Spot?
A man will spend time searching
For their golf ball’s quite a lot


FOLLOW THAT MAN

Many years ago when
One hundred white men
Chased a single black man
It would have been the Klan
However we can be sure
Today it’s just the PGA tour


SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT

I was in the golf shop browsing
The different types of golf balls
I had been using the women’s type
And wasn’t getting on with them at all
I was approached by an assistant
Who was dark handsome and tall
He asked if he could help me.
And without even thinking at all
I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

TIGER, TIGER - THE TIGER

Tiger, Tiger, what a plight
Laying prone out like a light
What mortal hand blacked your eye?
And left you staring at the sky
What greater wounds would be
On your bruised and battered body
If your wife had on reflection
Thought carefully about her club selection

TIGER, TIGER - MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

Tiger should now have
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian

TIGER, TIGER - TIPS AND POINTERS

Elin’s phone hasn’t stopped
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointers
On how to beat Tiger


TIGER, TIGER - STROKE PLAY

Elin Woods admitted
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”

TIGER, TIGER -TRAPPINGS

Being on the top of his sport
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.


TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

Tiger can drive a golf ball
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three

TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT

Elin was asked what she and Tiger were doing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing

TIGER, TIGER - CHOICES

Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree


SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling

“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit

THE CHARACTER OF GOLF

The game of Golf is character building
In the view of certain people
Others are a little more grounded
And would describe it as a perpetual
Series of unmitigated disasters
Punctuated by an occasional miracle

Horse Racing

A DAY AT THE RACES

A skinny brunette with hair in pigtails
A busty blonde with a ponytail
Overweight lasses showing their bellies
Some eccentric sorts wearing green wellies

Women in shorts to small for their arse
Some dressed up showing some class
Several who’ve just crawled our of bed
Mutton dressed as lamb – enough said

White skinned redheads wearing no bra
Leggy birds show all getting out the car
Baggy combat trousered youngsters
Extremely skimpily dressed funsters

Mothers clad in coloured print dresses
Vixens and vamps and painted temptresses
Elderly folk wearing sensible shoes
Lads on the pull hunt in threes or twos

Middle aged man-eaters dressed to kill
Bold young stunners dressed to thrill
Schoolgirls dressed up to look thirty
Thirty something’s dressed to look dirty

Tuppenny tarts and fifty pound whores
Bored housewives fed up with the chores
Young professionals and people of note
People used to wearing ermine not stoat

Middle aged geezers who ate all the pies
The absent minded gaze wistfully up at the skies
The hooray henrys suited and booted
The Nuevo riche who’ve snorted and tooted


Spinster aunts with cheeks glowing
Half cut bimbos with tattoos showing
Hormones raging with alcohol and heat
Game young women viewed like meat

Girls of all ages wearing shorts and vests
Tops that barely cover their chests
Those who dress nicely for the party
Drink too much and still look tarty

Short skirted fillies showing all
Phone to their ear making endless calls
Stumbling about sucking on fags
Half drunk and acting like slag’s

From dawn till dusk they drink all day
Losing money and dignity along the way
Dressed in suits, beachwear or like clowns
A day out at the races on the Epsom downs


THE GRAND NATIONAL

Jockeys in bright coloured racing silk
Representing owners of every ilk
The horses fidget with ears pricked
Punters shout for the horse they picked
Ready for the off the tension mounts
A lot of money bet on turf accounts
they’re at the start now all in a line
The starter waits till all is fine
And they’re off, and the horses surge
Moving en mass like a cavalry charge

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail


On they go riding at a steady rate
Five fences in the opening straight
Then the big one Bechers Brook
Some don’t fancy it when they take a look
Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn
Valentines is then the next big concern
Three more fences and the field is thinning
Across the Melling Road and turning
Over two more fences before the Chair
Then the water jump and halfway there

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail


The crowd cheers loudly those who remain
As the magnificent beasts go around again
Along the straight five fences once more
Then Bechers Brook counts its score
Beneath them the ground seems to quake
The leaders leaving fallers in their wake
Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn
Valentines is once again the big concern
Three more fences and the field is thinning
Across the Melling Road and turning

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail


Two more fences and the volume gets loud
Almost home to the delight of the crowd
Jump the last fence and land ahead
Keep your wits about you, keep your head
The finishing straight the end in sight
Across the finish line to the crowds delight
For the winner at the end of the road
The great sporting accolade is bestowed
A spectacle on an afternoon well spent
For those who witness the great event

Rugby

WINE DOWN UNDER

Don’t buy any Australian wine’s next year
Because since they lost the world cup I fear
When we knocked them off their ivory tower
All of their grapes have suddenly gone sour


CONFESSIONS OF A HOOKER

Lying in bed on their wedding night
The newly wed wife said, eyes full of tears
“Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years”
The husband said to her calmly
That he had no concern about it
And that it might even
Spice up their nuptials a bit
Then she got flustered
And said “no, no you don’t understand
My name was Jeremy
And I played Rugby for England”

Skiing

A GOOD SPORT

If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country

BLONDSKI

Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing
And desperately wanted to fulfill her hope
But despite an lengthy and extensive search
She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.

Sports

GAWD’N BENNIT

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF
JAMES GORDON BENNET II, 1841 - 1918

Gordon Bennett, not an exclamation but a real person
Born in New York but enjoying a European education
Named after his father who had been born a Scotsman
An immigrant to America who became a newspaperman
An accomplished New York journalist for many years
Founding the herald instituting many modern ideas

Known as Gordon to distinguish him from his father
A good journalist but he liked the good life rather
But he took over the herald and his fathers throne
He sent Stanley to Africa to seek out Dr Livingstone
He was never afraid to back a dangerous expedition
Even De Long’s ill-fated trip to the arctic region.

Gordon was at one time engaged to miss Caroline may
But he committed a most dreadful faux pas one-day
Arriving at her parents mansion both drunk and late
In front of her he proceeded to urinate in the grate
Bennett was unceremoniously ejected and sent away
Well the engagement was broken off needless to say

He lived mainly in Paris after the fireplace incident
But still running the herald by cable as president
Bennett was fond of sports, especially of yachting
But also of balloon, aeroplane and motor racing
Sponsoring many international events of the day
Some of the many trophies are still raced for today

Gordon Bennett was a bit of a daredevil of his day
He was known to be a playboy in an eccentric way
According to one particular well reported yarn
Bennett flew his aeroplane through an open barn
One surprised onlooker was supposed to have said
'Gordon Bennett' and hence the phrase was spread


Many names are remembered after the individual dies
He’s still better known as an exclamation of surprise
Gordon Bennett is one of the many euphemisms used
In order to prevent the word “god” being misused.
A colorful character whos daring exploits were famed
Would we remember had he been differently named?

SPORTY WIFE

Now I keep telling my wife
No matter what she may have thought
In no way shape or form
Can shopping be considered as a sport

IT'S