This Sporting Life - Paul Curtis (ebook offline reader TXT) 📗

Angling

NEW ANGLES

Angling is an ancient pastime
And thousands sit with permit paid
Some stand on the riverbank
Some enter the water and wade
Long held traditions are kept
Yet new innovations are made
As modern anglers try to improve
With every kind of new fangled aid
In wartime when my father was young
And when not fighting or on parade
Was forced as he had no rod and line
To go fishing with a hand grenade

Athletics

PATHLETICS

I hate most track athletes
But sprinters really get my goat
The fastest men on earth they claim
As they strut and preen and gloat
Running very fast in a straight line
Small beer for such a big ego
And they excel for less than ten seconds
Duration unimpressive to my wife I know
On they African plains they’d fail to impress
I can say that without being rude
In the eyes of a hunting lioness
They would be little more than fast food


DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete

Ballooning

BALLOONING

Of all the pastimes
Which defy all logic
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic
You take off
With no controls to ponder
At the mercy of the wind
Into the great blue yonder
Floating up and away
Heart fit to blow a gasket
Gripping the hand rail
And stood in a picnic basket
A Bunsen burner flames
Under a piece of fabric
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic

Baseball

THE GINGER KID AND THE BLACK SOX

Buck or George Daniel Weaver
Born in the state of Pennsylvania
Eighteen ninety the town of Stowe
And died aged sixty-six in Chicago
He loved baseball as much as life
All most as much as Helen his wife
He spent his entire career as a pro
Playing with the sox in Chicago
As one of the eight men caught
But the only one not to be bought
Punished with ring leader Gandil
Innocent in the black sox scandal
The only player to be free of blame
The rest of his life lived in shame
A great third basemen of his time
Banned for life for others crime
He gave his life to clear his name
He should be in the hall of fame


SHOELESS JOE JACKSON


Born in eighty seven in Brandon mills
A mill town in the South Carolina hills
Joseph Jefferson Jackson was named
But as shoeless Joe he would be famed

Joe started as a pitcher on the mound
In the minor league on the mill ground
But Joe didn’t last to long at pitching
Though his speed had batters twitching

One day on the Brandon mill league team
He threw so hard he made a man scream
Because he had broken the catchers arm
They put him in the outfield out of harm

Then he often played first base after that
"Black Betsy." Joe named his favorite bat
His nickname "shoeless" came after playing
In socks because his feet were blistering

He batted as a left hander when at the plate
But threw right handed at an alarming rate
Over six feet tall and two hundred pound
He was incredibly quick across the ground

A deadly hitter and a great outfielder who
Is known more now for the lack of a shoe
He named his glove and you can guess why
Calling it "the place where triples go to die,"

His career began in nineteen-oh-eight
Well as a professional then at any rate
It was with the Athletics in Philadelphia
But he only played ten games while here

Traded to Cleveland Naps after three years
Joe left Philly to explore new frontiers
Here he showed just how he was able
Slugging his way to lead the league table


With the Naps Joe burst onto the scene
They became the Indians in nineteen fifteen
With the Naps Joe came into his prime
But after four years it was trading time

In august of fifteen Jackson was traded
To move to Chicago he was persuaded
With the Sox he continued his great career
And the White Sox were the team to fear

In nineteen seventeen Jackson and Chicago
Won the biggest honor baseball can bestow
And Chicago accomplished their greatest feat
Winning the series as the Giants they beat

Two years later they found themselves again
Competing in a World Series title campaign
This time pitted against the reds of Cincinnati
There was no glory this time for Black Betsy


During the following year of nineteen twenty
While batting well and still scoring plenty
Jackson was suspended from the league
After the fixing the World Series intrigue

During the long running trial in Chicago
One fan asked of Jackson “Say it ain’t so”
The jury acquitted the black sox and Joe
Jackson and the others were free to go

But Landis the commissioner of baseball
Wasn’t impressed with this decision at all
Going against the ruling he gave a life ban
All eight men, Jackson and every man

If Joe was in on the fix it was hard to tell
He fielded and batted exceptionally well
Ranked third in the all-time batting list
A very sad day when he was dismissed


Black Betsy, raised over half a million
When Joe legendary bat, sold at auction
More money than Joe saw in all his days
Playing for owners with grasping ways

He never played pro baseball ever again
But his great achievements still remain
So home to South Carolina with his wife
To run a store their for the rest of his life


THE CHICAGO BLACK SOX

In the year after the war to end all wars
In nineteen, nineteen the White Sox scores
A pennant winning season for old Chicago
But the players never get any extra dough

The owners pocketed all the rich rewards
In grand palatial homes living like lords
The players lived more down to earth
And left to ponder their value or worth

So as the World Series was to be contested
The Chicago White Sox were then expected
To beat the Cincinnati Redlegs quite easily
Making them targets for a crooked bookie

The bookies went to work bribing players
They had Cicotte and Williams the pitchers
Gandil, McMullin and Risberg infielders
Hap Felsch and Joe Jackson the outfielders


Only Buck Weaver refused to be in on the fix
And Joe Jackson reneged to leave only six
Despite this they managed well on their own
And any chance of winning had been blown

It fell apart when more cash failed to appear
And another betrayal was the player’s fear
When the Black Sox tried to win in the end
They found it was too late to make amend

The eight men were charged for their crime
But they were found not guilty at the time
The commissioner of baseball had other ideas
Banning all eight from professional careers

They never played in the big leagues again
And in dishonor their names still remain
Those really guilty for losing the series
Are greedy owners and crooked bookies

Boat Race

OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE

I have been a keen sports fan for many years
As my father was before me
But something has always puzzled us
And is in the back of our mind’s constantly
When it comes to the boat race final every year
Why is it the same two teams we always see

Body Building

SEXLESS

Women body builders
Think they look fab
All muscular
And not an inch of flab
With feminine parts
Under triangular tabs
Unfortunately you couldn’t
Sex them in a lab

Bowling

ANYTHING BY GEORGE

George arrived home from work one night
To find the house bathed in candlelight
His wife Julie Draped on the sofa sexily
Wearing very little and smiling seductively
She swung her long stockined legs to the floor
And walked slowly to George by the door
In her silk camisole she looked very sexy
Her dark nipples were aroused, he could see
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything."
So George tied her up and then he went bowling

Boxing

BILLY THE KID

The noble art of pugilism
It has often been called
Not all would agree
And some are just appalled
Young fighter Billy Owen
Was barely standing
After being pounded
For three rounds in the ring
It was so noisy you couldn’t
Hear the bell sound
The ring of the bell
To mark the end of the round
The battered and bloody
Boxer sat on his stool
If you’d seen him you’d
Agree the sport is cruel
The corner man took a look
And gave his view
“You’re doing ok kid
He’s not laid a glove on you”
The kid replied
“Then keep an eye on the referee”
“Because someone’s
Beating the crap out of me”

Cricket

THAT’S NOT CRICKET

Cricket is not my sport that I have to say
But the game appears to be in the doldrums
For me the most exiting part of the match
Are the barmy army beating their drums
They spread the event over five full days
In an effort to make it appear more fun
But if they want to make it more exciting
They should make them play tip and run

HIT FOR SIX

A man went to see Doctor Crum
"I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

Diving

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat

Football

TIMES UP

To my chest my
Hands I clasp
I deeply breathe
I wheeze and gasp
My temples throb
My mouth is dry
My heart beats fast
I’m going to die
My voice has gone
My throat is sore
My hands both shake
I can take no more
I lay my head
Upon my knee
Now blow the whistle
Referee
SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE

It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
“Adjacent to the player’s tunnel
An explosive incident occurred”

BEST OF A DECADE

The soundtrack of the sixties
Was by Lennon and McCartney
But it was little Georgie Best
Who did the choreography


THE DOMESTIC GAME

The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory