Get Out!!! - Kooi Lim (funny books to read .TXT) 📗

she was telling me how lonely she was living in the big house with no neighbours around to keep her company. She told me that the houses were bought by big tycoons or ambassadors from abroad. They come once in awhile on holiday. Most of the time, these houses are just standing empty. What a shame she said as these houses costs over millions of pounds and there are lots of lovely facilities in there. So I thought I would check it out. Indeed there were three empty mansions next to her house. So I got Mark here and we just checked them out. We stayed in there for a long time. One of the houses had a convertible Jaguar. It had no tax disc though otherwise I would have driven it. I did not get round to selling it. We did leave when the owner found out and asked us. Infact the owners did not ask us themselves, they just send some huge big heavies to asked us to leave. As we had already nearly a year in each of the houses we decided we would leave peacefully rather than wasting lots of time and reputation by going to court.”

“Are the three houses very nice, then,” enthused Laura.

Well, one was excellent and it had everything, even central heating and everything was nice and clean. We had massive barbeque parties in the garden. The second one was totally opposite and we had to more or less rewire the whole place. We also had to sort out the hot water and central heating. The owner was so happy when we gave it back to him in better condition than before. The third one was also extremely run down, too. The neighbours were also very happy because we cleared the garden. It was very overgrown and the bushes were taller than me.” He stood up and put his hand level with his head. Then he sat down again and carried on, “We painted the walls and make the kitchen habitable. I then let that out to some mates of ours. So that was a good few months, in fact over a year all together. I did make a few bucks from those three houses and we had a brilliant time!!”

It was not always easy though. Mark here had been prosecuted being caught trying to break into a house. Either that or pay thousands of pounds, which he did not have to stay out of prison. Thankfully it does not happen that much. We are very careful now and we have someone on the stand by watching while the others break in.

“You must come round to this house we are living in now. It’s not that grand but it has lovely Victorian features and it has 5 big bedrooms, a big kitchen, a lovely sitting room and a garden where we can have barbeques. And it is opposite the Clapton station. The ceilings are so tall. I can’t believe that the original fireplaces are still there. Mark and I were going to see if we can flock them.”

“Are you? How are you going to do it? Do you have transportation? Where are you going to sell them?”

“I have my contacts!!! There are so many antique dealers who would give me big dosh for these Victorian fire paces. For some reasons people like them and they do sell like hot cakes. I have a van to do my work and it can transport anything.”

You must come round. It really is a nice big house, especially in Hackney. You know some people were saying that Hackney is now very gentrified and it is now so changed than when it was 10 years ago. Cannot imagine how it was like.”

“My parents were telling me that they came to Hackney about 15 years ago and my dad felt that he was the only white man. He was very surprised that on the first day while he stopped at the Cricketer pub by the pond, to ask direction to the newly bought house and to have a drink, he was bought a drink by one of the all black population. He was so pleasantly surprised. It seems that it was very rough then and we were living next to “the murder mile”. I really like living here and I never felt that Hackney was dangerous in anyway. I certainly have been lucky to not encounter any vices.”

Towards the end of the night Richie had invited Laura to go back to his house, which is just round the corner. Richie says there are lots of people in the house and they usually have a party just drinking and eating whatever people got.

“Alright then, but only for a little while,” says Laura grabbing the opportunity.
"Mark, are you coming back with us? Laura here is coming home for a coffee? Are you coming mate?”

The three of them put their coats on simultaneously. Mark has a puffy quilt, dirty blue jack and a woolly grey and black hat with a bob at the top and the sides covering his ears. Richie has a fake black leather jacket that reached his what looks like a nice toned bum. He also has the same style woolly hats. Maybe they bought them at the one pound shop. Laura also slips on her black trench coat that shows off her slim tiny 23” waist. The gathers at the waist flairs out like a skirt making it very feminine. She places her black woolly hat snugly over the top of her long wavy beautifully Cheryl Cole styled luscious shinning blonde hair. Richie cannot keep his eyes off her and is pinching himself for his good luck, even though he can hardly control his excitement. He must have about 5 pints of bitter already. Damn this pub for serving such good ale. After putting their scarves and gloves on Richie gentlemanly ushered Laura and Mark out of the door. They stumble across the not so busy main road and within 2 minutes are outside the house.

It is very dark and scary with big bushy hedges by the wall, reaching up to the first floor front windows. They climb up the two stairs to some red blurred light shining through the beautiful frosted glass of the top half of the main black door.

The first thing that hit Laura when Richie opens the door is the stench!! It definitely smells a concoction of grass, cigarettes, alcohols and some sort of cooking oils. There are red fairy lights on the wall and they make the hallway look like a discotheque. The incredibly very loud techno music thumps the stale and intoxicating air. Laura feels sorry for the next door neighbours.

The big dog looked up sleepily from the end of the passage way blocking the beginning of the stairs to upstairs, as though he has been passively inhaling the thick stenched drugged air. Richie reaches down to stroke her and says, “This is Boxer! Say hello to Laura, Boxer”. Laura loves dogs and immediately bends down to stroke him as well. He seems to enjoy the friendly gestures and started licking Laura’s hand.

In the front sitting room there is big Matthew, Allen, the old man, and Henry all sitting on the floor. The whole place is very dirty and the carpet has another carpet of dust and litter of sweet papers, rolled up and half burnt papers. There are drinks and cans of bitter ale, fosters, a bottle of almost empty Courvoisier brandy, a bottle of three quarter drank vodka and some other half empty bottles of what could be tequila and gin. There seems to be tin foil and pieces of papers rolled up with signs of white powder and grass being smoked. At the corner, slums a blonde hair skinny boy/man spaced out probably from injecting himself with some drug as next to him lay an empty syringe, a tourniquet and some empty vials, whose writing Laura cannot see through the dim lighting.

There are also some sort of Chinese takeaway food, egg fried rice, chicken and black bean sauce, stir fried chicken noodles and sweet and sour pork still waiting to be finished. Mark straight away picked up a pair of chop sticks and started helping himself. Richie introduced Laura and offered her a clean cushion to sit. He said, “Do you want some? Help yourself to the food.” Laura politely declined as she could not bring herself to eat in such a messy and dirty area. She has bought with her a small plastic bag of crushed mogadon (sleeping pills) squashed into her tight pockets of her tight jeans. She really needs to act fast as they really looks like they are all properly stoned and plastered. She asks if she can make herself some tea and offers to make tea and coffees for everyone. To her delight every single person, except the properly spaced out guy in the corner, wants either coffee or tea. Richie takes Laura to the kitchen and shows her where everything is. He then excused himself to go to the loo. Just perfect timing!!! Laura smiles to herself as she cannot believe her luck that things are going as planned.

While Richie is gone Laura put the 7 mugs out and quickly drops in a spoonful of the mogadon in each of the mugs. She then makes the tea in the tea pot and places coffee granules in the two plain white mugs. She fills the mugs with hot tea and put in the sugars where they are needed. She stirs everything in properly. As no one has come back to help her she quickly sprinkles some more mogadon into the mugs and stirred again to make sure they are well mixed in. Then, she carries them into the room and distributes them correctly as ordered. They are all so grateful that someone actually makes them drinks when they are so drunk. She then goes back to the kitchen and makes herself a fresh mug of tea. While she is there she places some new food for Boxer remembering to stirs some mogadon in. Boxer started eating by the mouthful, and satisfied she then joins the rest of the crowd with her mug of tea.

They are all plastered either with skunk or with whatever they are drinking and are just drinking their hot drinks gratefully and without any suspicion. Richie sits next to Laura and starts to drink his coffee and comments, “So you can make nice coffee as well?” Laura smiles back as he drinks the coffee as if he really needs it. Once he finished he leans over to Laura trying to kiss her. Laura lets him but within a few minutes before he does anything that they both will regret he slumps down and falls on the floor murmuring how beautiful Laura is. Within half an hour they are all snoring noisily. Laura cannot believe that it is all happening as planned. She double checked that they are actually asleep. She goes to the passageway to check Boxer. He is also fast asleep.

She quickly and quietly slipped out into the kitchen and texts Paul. She then checks the passage way again to make sure that it is clear. Calmly, she goes back to the living room and places herself strategically so that she can observe all the sleepers.

It seems like it was taking forever but within five minutes she looked through the closed curtains in responds to a light knock on the front door. She quickly takes her wig off and put it into a Sainsbury’s plastic bag that she found in the passageway and