Aboard My Train Of Thought - Scott C. Endsley (best ereader for pdf and epub txt) 📗

reading the contest program flyer. But, John finally won her heart that night, by telling her he was the great-nephew of Vladimir Lenin.

Two weeks later they were married in Leningrad. Leonid Brezhnev, who performed the ceremony, gave both husband and wife an immensely saturating smooch on the lips... And, of course, the bride wore red.

YoYo complained to John, months later, that her youngest brother, Nikolas, who was an exchange student in America, couldn't play soccer for the school team, because he was one year too old to play with his peers. John became irate, and the two of them got dressed in their pajamas and headed to FDR Head Start, in New York City, to hold a week-long slumber party/sit in with the kids. He told them to rebel against the current establishment, by refusing to make their beds for a month. They then lead the kids in a new song, called "Give Nick A Chance," before handing out autographed copies of "Revolution, Just For The Bleedin' Heck Of It."

Later that day, John announced his support for YoYo's efforts in the feminist cause. He tore his super-glued toilet plunger off of his head, and handed the crown to YoYo.

None of John and YoYo's antics seemed to catch the public eye, nor any intrigue from the press. But, after desperate attempts, they soon made the newspaper front pages all over America and Western Europe, by vowing, in the presence of dozens of reporters to do the absolutely unthinkable.....take up golf.

The Nixon administration immediately called on the FBI to start a file on them, wiretap their phones, and put them under 24 hour surveillance; after the newly sworn into office president stormed away from the Washington Country Club Course, having to forfeit to YoYo on the 17th, because some neurotic, impulsive, stray hound had darted in between his legs (while he attempted a short putt that would have put him ahead)... and ran off with the only ball Mr. Nixon hadn't lost all day.


Bug manager, Brian Einstein, had just taken up the exciting and challenging hobby of Skydiving. On the morning of his first lesson, he was feeling a bit uneasy, after having taken an abundance of fiber pills over the last few days. Before he had the chance to put his parachute on, he felt a sudden urge and galloped to the lavatory at the back of the plane.

He sat comfortably for about 20 minutes, humming a Bug tune and reading "The Wallstreet Journal;" until, without looking, he pulled on what he thought was the lever to flush the commode. Unfortunately it turned out to be the emergency escape lever.

Having just been ejected out of the plane, at 14,500 ft, and nearing the end of his, anything but graceful, descent, a group of enthusiastic amateur skeet shooters happily took aim at what they thought was a "huge, grotesque pink bird with an enormous wingspan that awkwardly flapped in all directions!" But, Brian conquered all odds, having not been shot, and survived!!! ....................until he hit the ground.

The Bugs at this time, were in Queensland, Australia, taking digeridoo lessons from an aboriginal village high priest, Bob Stanley, and hadn't heard what happened to Brian, until a news reporter pushed a microphone up to Paul and informed him. "What can I say?" Paul shrugged, "Brian was no Einstein."

Bob tried to cheer up the boys, by suggesting he was in a better place now, "And besides, mates, without him you all are 20% richer!" he smiled.

They all felt much better and sat in a circle, singing a round of "Tie Me Kangaroo Down."


The next few albums, amid the latter years of the group's history, proved to be somewhat half-hearted. The musical marriage within the band was clearly on the wane. John was into a much more radical political message, whereas Paul was still writing silly love songs. George, on the other hand, was hardly ever showing up for recording sessions; he was spending too much time at home, playing his digeridoo.

But the tell-tale signs didn't become very clear to the fans, until the release of their last album and motion picture, "Laissez-Faire." In the movie, Paul was being very patient with George as he attempted to nail down a guitar riff Paul suggested for the title track. George, feeling humiliated, cried out, "Look, I know how to play the blanking guitar!"

Paul lost everything, reared back his Hofner bass and split it over George's skull. "You're not going to be able to play a blanking thing if you continue to blanking talk to me that way!!"

Fortunately, George was still sporting his toilet plunger headdress; it softened the blow.

"Comrades!" John interrupted, "Don't you see what greedy capitalism has done to you? We must unite for the good of all, for we are all brothers in oppression!"

"Whad he blankin' say?!" Paul and George asked each other.

"Laissez-Faire," the album, contained one of their biggest selling songs, "The Long And Winding Bike Trail," a song which Paul wrote about having a newspaper route in his early adolescence, and remembering the dread of having to get up every morning at 5am, travel a long and confusing dirt trail to deliver papers; only to get lost....everyday. His loving parents would often suggest that the directionless path was merely "challenging", and begged him to persevere every time he threatened to quit.

One particular rainy morning, Paul wandered around that "challenging" route for five whole hours, banging on doors and crying for help. When Paul did make it to school, he was immediately sent to the principal's office, where he tried to explain to the "rather ripe prune" that he wasn't just screwing around. All the kids in school knew she had a sadistic disposition in the first place, but were horrified when she sent Paul home and demanded he take the same "challenging" route he got lost on; this time without his bike!

Paul was extremely hungry, exhausted, smelly, all covered with lice, but elated when he finally arrived home after wandering around that dad blasted, mind bending, "challenging" trail for seven days; only to find a note taped to the mailbox, explaining that his parents had moved, leaving him their best wishes and God's speed; but no forwarding address.


Despite the song's success, there wasn't much to celebrate. Following its release, Paul announced to the world he was leaving the band, and filed a suit against John, George and Pete. He then gave up music to work for the UN as an interpreter for foreign ambassadors with speech impediments.


Then John announced he was quitting too, and filed a suit against Paul, George and Pete. Shortly after leaving the group, John and YoYo began recording an avant-garde album surrounding a new kind of music they thought they were first to conceive. "Rock Music" was a 45 minute recording of a 1000 some-odd-pound boulder of granite, extemporaneously and silently projecting its inner thoughts. Upon its release, the critics quickly interjected that the album would have been brilliant, if YoYo had had no part in it.

Then, to top things off, a Canadian geologist slapped a plagiarism lawsuit against them, claiming that "Rock Music" was an identical replica of HIS efforts 10 years earlier. However, a jury in Toronto, after taking three hours to deliberate, agreed that since there was a lack of evidence, due in part because the half-ton rock refused to testify on the behalf of the plaintiff, and because John and YoYo's version contained 12 MORE seconds of silence than the original...that they were similar, but not the same.

"Mr. Stone" as his sympathizers call him, is to this day on a 25 year old hunger strike in a Canadian jail, serving time for contempt of court. Stone's cell-mates often complain about waking up in the middle of the night, finding themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place.

John and YoYo performed numerous benefit "rock concerts" in his honor, but the two became very disenchanted with the dog-eat-dog music business, and returned exclusively to their political endeavors.


George soon followed with a suit against John, Paul and Pete, then went to Sydney, to work on his Ph.D., researching the spiritual, political and historical significance of the digeridoo. DR George now lives in an overturned dumpster, 20 miles south of London. He occasionally walks in to town to panhandle by standing on street corners playing his......well, you get the drift.


Pete decided to stay in the band, and instead of filing a suit, he bought a new one, and has been touring ever since as "The Bug;" trying to promote his album, "Once Upon A Drum."

One October evening, Pete was the opening act for Welsh punk band, Johnny Proboscis and The Post Nasal Drip. He had just completed the first half of his set, and while he went backstage to change, his manager stepped up to the mike and tearfully explained that poor Pete was being sued for two thirds of his income, for child support and alimony by his wife of 20 years; in a divorce settlement. His compassionate manager informed the audience that his solo album, released 22 years to that date, had only sold around 250 copies since, and begged, "Buy an album or tape tonight, please, for Pete's sake!?"

The scheme worked beautifully, so they both decided to try it at every gig. Soon Pete acquired an income exceeding that of all the other Ex-Bugs combined, and had enough money to begin taking drum lessons for rank beginners, pay off all his legal debts, and spend a summer at Rosco's Ruffian Rough Rider Dude Ranch in the US state of New Mexico, where his manager and he frequent, from time to time, just to ride the"horseys."


Just what was the magic ingredient to the Bugs' success and world wide fame? Some believe it was the constant rumors about the band that kept the press moving and fans fascinated. A good example: A Cleveland disc jockey, in 1969, had accidentally played their hit song, "I Am The Egg Plant," in reverse. The listening audience as well as he himself, had found what appeared to be a message of some sort, as they clearly heard John and George singing, "Paul is Fred, Paul is Fred; and he don't like Fried Tomatoes!"

Rumors immediately flooded the airwaves while the scandal produced several books, magazine articles, and an investigating watchdog, fan based, organization called WHIF (Who the Heck Is Fred?!). Fans began playing Bug albums backwards, looking for more clues. The controversy became so intense that Paul called a press conference, insisting, "If I'm Fred, I'm the last to know about it!"

But the frenzy failed to die. Finally, George decided to call a press conference of his own to let the cat out of the bag. "Any half-witted or 'Intellectually inept' idiot with a good pair of headphones, surely could clearly hear that John and I were singing, "Paul is dead, Paul is dead; cause he choked on Fried Tomatoes!"

There was an instant sigh of relief released by all fans, all over the western hemisphere. Paul wasn't Fred! He was merely dead!... Rolling Stone magazine hastily released their next issue adorned with Paul's bearded kisser on the cover, with the caption: "Better Dead, Than Fred!"
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(Episode 8)
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