Aboard My Train Of Thought - Scott C. Endsley (best ereader for pdf and epub txt) 📗
- Author: Scott C. Endsley
Book online «Aboard My Train Of Thought - Scott C. Endsley (best ereader for pdf and epub txt) 📗». Author Scott C. Endsley
the big picnic; or playing bingo since it's once again legal in Pothole County. Tonight there's supposed to be a big fireworks display, and the newly elected sheriff is to make a big speech. But of course this celebration has nothing to do with election day..... it's George Birthington's Washday!!!!!!!!"
GET THE CHIP OFF YOUR SHOULDER
(Episode 1)
Analyzing the Analyst
DR: Well how did we do this week, Clyde?
ME: You just wouldn't believe! My world has been turned upside down ever since I started writing this book. A one-eyed midget followed me home, but sent me to the Fictional Forest, while he took my cat to Vegas. My dog and I..........
DR: There you go again! Are you still having a problem with reality?
ME: Oh no.... I don't have a problem with reality, the question is, does reality have a problem with me?
DR: You know we talked about hospitalization last week... Have you considered it?
ME: Oh no way, man! I've already been stuck in a strait jacket for the past 3 months, and I was hoping you'd be the right person to pull it off. I've just been under a lot of stress. That's all. But, sometimes I do wonder, when this personality finally splits.....Who's gonna get custody of my mind?
DR: Uh, Clyde, have you thought about doing something with yourself...like finishing college?
ME: No, I'm currently attending my latter sophomore years in the great school of life. And I hope, in spite of a few suspensions for misbehaving in class, to graduate with honors in the hereafter; thanks to my wonderful, compassionate school counsellor, who promises to speak up on my behalf that day...Why, just this morning I realized I had been doing a lot of laying around and feeling sorry for myself. So, I took that great textbook of life, closed my eyes, and asked the almighty professor to guide my finger on where it should land...he took me to the book of Matthew...
DR: What did it say?
ME: "Take up thy bed and walk!"
DR: Oh yes, speaking of the spiritual, have you ever looked into the great Gautama Buddah? Buddah was a man who, 500 years before Christ, set out to find ultimate wisdom by sitting under a tree, and...
ME: Oh yeah, it fell on his head during a violent thunderstorm one night, I remember!
DR: Uh, well no...how did we get off on religion anyway? What you need is a social life. Have you considered dating? You never know, you might just find a compatible friend, and who knows, Clyde, you might even get married!
ME: Naw, marriage is just for married people. And besides, I just recently read that life evolved out of bacteria. So, I figure, if I continue to let the trash build up in my bachelor pad, that sooner or later, I'll have a new roommate!!!... I just hope she's female.
DR: Huh?...well, lets talk about your mother.
ME: What's my mother got to do with anything?
DR: Okay, okay.... what's your earliest childhood memory?
ME: Well Um... I was breech birthed! Yep! Came into this world making a ass of myself, as usual. My parents were taking a cruise when mom went into early labor. It was May 1st, and when the doctor caught a glimpes of the first thing that popped out, which he assumed was my face, he cried, "Mayday! Mayday! Abandon ship!"
DR: Do I sense a bit of cynicism?
ME: I don't know!... DO YOU?
DR: You're making this very difficult for me.
ME: I'm just getting my money's worth.
DR: You seem so easily irritated, are you aware of that?
ME: Yeah well... Maybe that has something to do with my mother.
DR: I'm really trying to help you, Clyde. Do you not trust me?
ME: Well, as some narcissistic writer once wrote:
Drop another dollar
in the pocket of my coat.
My bank of trust had just gone bust
in other words it's broke.
DR: Did you write that?
ME: Yeah I did, but I'm no longer that person.
DR: I see... and why is that?
ME: Well the old man, who's dead now, used to ask a lot of questions....
DR: And you being the new man, don't of course.
ME: Nope! I question nothing?
DR: That's a contradiction!
ME: What is?
DR: You said you question nothing, yet you ended it with a question mark.
ME: And you think I need help!
DR: I think I need a drink!
ME: Oh yeah, eat, drink and be Mary, or whoever else you want to be... Is that the way you handle your problems? You know, that's what I don't like about you people! Someone like me gets sucked into thinking there's something wrong with them, when everything is really quite external. When someone's lost their job, wife, kids, the house has been repossessed and their best friend (which happens to be a dog) leaves home - when that person comes to you, you say, Oh my! You're depressed, why, by golly that's not normal; you should learn to be happy all by yourself. You give pills at the drop of a hat, cause you can't accept people where they're at. No! They have to be changed into thinking like everyone else. Well I happen to think in four opposite abstractions of 13 different dimensions of mundane logic.... Can YOU boast that claim?!
DR: What did you just say!?
ME: I said; "Oh yeah, eat, drink and be Mary, or whoever else you...
DR: No, I mean what did you say at the last?
ME: Last doesn't matter, man! First comes before whatever is, and nothing is whatever isn't. Don't you get it? This is was!!!
DR: Go on! go on! I think we're finally getting somewhere!
ME: My life lately has been just like that annoying coffee commercial jingle, except my version goes: "The best part of cracking up... is Martians in your cup!" And I keep hearing this voice inside my head saying, "It's been you all this time and we both know it, don't I?" Why just yesterday, I thought I was the 16th century humanist theologian Desiderius Erasmas; until the tidy bowl man popped out of my toaster, singing a microwave version of, "Mary had a little lamb, and he weighed a healthy 5 pounds and 10 ounces."
Then Winter, who was also also inside my head and on the same O.B. unit of the hospital; screamed out in labor pains, gave birth to Spring, and sighed, "Ah isn't she beautiful! -- I think I'll call her Summer!"
But, you know doc, everything is just a cliché! There are no new thoughts, just old ones that get twisted around trees bearing the fruits of discontent. I could declare, "I stink therefore I am," and everyone would begin holding their nose pondering my poignant utterance. But, I'm a nobody!....You're a nobody!!!!..We're all just one big nobody!! Somebody!......let me out from myself!!!! AGHHH! CRASH! CRUNCH! SMASH!
DR: That's right! Get in touch with that primal inner child wanting to escape! Let him out!! Here, here's an ashtray!!
ME: SMASH! BAM! HA! HA! HA! HE! BOOM! OUCH!
DR: Here, take this! It's a telephone, but this is not an ordinary phone. This one is your father! And you've never dealt with your Oedipus Complex.... take this phone and castrate the impostor!!
ME: I'm gonna kill you, Dad!!! AGHHH! BOOM! RING ! LING! DING! Whew!
DR: Now lets sit back down and talk about what you were feeling.
ME: Well UH... Whew!... UH... you were wrong... um, it hasn't been my mother...it hasn't been my father. It's... it's me! It's been me all this time!
DR: Oh no, no, no! You're having delusions of grandeur! I'll have to increase your dosage to prevent the psychosis from getting worse!... Well, ah, our time is up. I'd like you to think about our session today, and pick up where we left off next week... Um you do have insurance don't you?
ME: Yes, my policy number is right there in your charts.
DR: Oh, okay, lets see... Ashtray; $150.00...it's been in the family for years, I'm sure they'll understand.....Telephone; $300.00... Ceiling Damage....Golf clubs.... and, uh, office visit... $130. Well I'd like you to sign an agreement that you won't do anything foolish between now and next week........
(Episode 2)
As I was driving off, I felt I was mighty lucky to have such a friend, for only $130 an hour! Hah! I didn't need no shrink! Just didn't have any drive anymore and I hadn't been writing as it was too risky. What was I gonna do with my life, I wondered. I was almost 40! Heck, someone who was as old as I was, when I was born, is either dead or mighty old! Well, at least I had a mortgage, and I figured... in 11 years I'd have a little cash saved and could go into a retirement home. Yippee!
As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the mailbox was loaded and a sudden surge of relevance flowed throughout my entire being. Ah a couple of political magazines. "Wow! Look at this! A letter from a bill collector, but, hey! It says I'm a preferred customer! This must mean my life has meaning after all! Surely they wont mind waiting a couple more months to recieve a payment... since I'm such a wonderful patron!"
Creaking open the door, I threw my fan mail on my ever faithful sofa who received my aching body. "Why did I ever start going to that shrink anyway! Now I've got a diagnosis!" I asked myself aloud.
I slithered, like a snake, crosswise on the rug towards my personal library. "Schizo Affective Disorder, huh?" I mumbled, looking up its definition in my DSM3 from my, only semester in college days. Through all the medical jargon, all I could tell was that's it's a disease indistinguishably centered between Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia, brought about by chemicals in the brain, reacting to stress.
"Great," I sighed with a satirical overtone, "Now I'll never be able to be the President of the United States."
Well, the last few months to say the least, had been quite stressful. Funny thing, ever since I'd been on medication--- Matilda and Maggie had quit talking to me, or anyone for that matter. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to give rise to their resentment. I couldn't tell my Psychiatrist about it, Doc would've just figured that I needed to be on more meds.
"I think I'll just" (click) "watch some TV..." I yawned, "Hmm, C-Spam aaay?...."
"Will the congressman from Connecticut yield for the Gentleman from California?"
"No I Won't!" the Congressman responded.
"Whatdya' mean no I won't?"
"I mean No I Won't! Dats wa'a mean! Cause I'm not finished yet, Mr. Speaker!"
"Will the Gentle Lady from Utah remove the Gentleman from Connecticut off the floor, please," the Speaker requested.
"Why me?" the Utah congresswoman asked.
GET THE CHIP OFF YOUR SHOULDER
(Episode 1)
Analyzing the Analyst
DR: Well how did we do this week, Clyde?
ME: You just wouldn't believe! My world has been turned upside down ever since I started writing this book. A one-eyed midget followed me home, but sent me to the Fictional Forest, while he took my cat to Vegas. My dog and I..........
DR: There you go again! Are you still having a problem with reality?
ME: Oh no.... I don't have a problem with reality, the question is, does reality have a problem with me?
DR: You know we talked about hospitalization last week... Have you considered it?
ME: Oh no way, man! I've already been stuck in a strait jacket for the past 3 months, and I was hoping you'd be the right person to pull it off. I've just been under a lot of stress. That's all. But, sometimes I do wonder, when this personality finally splits.....Who's gonna get custody of my mind?
DR: Uh, Clyde, have you thought about doing something with yourself...like finishing college?
ME: No, I'm currently attending my latter sophomore years in the great school of life. And I hope, in spite of a few suspensions for misbehaving in class, to graduate with honors in the hereafter; thanks to my wonderful, compassionate school counsellor, who promises to speak up on my behalf that day...Why, just this morning I realized I had been doing a lot of laying around and feeling sorry for myself. So, I took that great textbook of life, closed my eyes, and asked the almighty professor to guide my finger on where it should land...he took me to the book of Matthew...
DR: What did it say?
ME: "Take up thy bed and walk!"
DR: Oh yes, speaking of the spiritual, have you ever looked into the great Gautama Buddah? Buddah was a man who, 500 years before Christ, set out to find ultimate wisdom by sitting under a tree, and...
ME: Oh yeah, it fell on his head during a violent thunderstorm one night, I remember!
DR: Uh, well no...how did we get off on religion anyway? What you need is a social life. Have you considered dating? You never know, you might just find a compatible friend, and who knows, Clyde, you might even get married!
ME: Naw, marriage is just for married people. And besides, I just recently read that life evolved out of bacteria. So, I figure, if I continue to let the trash build up in my bachelor pad, that sooner or later, I'll have a new roommate!!!... I just hope she's female.
DR: Huh?...well, lets talk about your mother.
ME: What's my mother got to do with anything?
DR: Okay, okay.... what's your earliest childhood memory?
ME: Well Um... I was breech birthed! Yep! Came into this world making a ass of myself, as usual. My parents were taking a cruise when mom went into early labor. It was May 1st, and when the doctor caught a glimpes of the first thing that popped out, which he assumed was my face, he cried, "Mayday! Mayday! Abandon ship!"
DR: Do I sense a bit of cynicism?
ME: I don't know!... DO YOU?
DR: You're making this very difficult for me.
ME: I'm just getting my money's worth.
DR: You seem so easily irritated, are you aware of that?
ME: Yeah well... Maybe that has something to do with my mother.
DR: I'm really trying to help you, Clyde. Do you not trust me?
ME: Well, as some narcissistic writer once wrote:
Drop another dollar
in the pocket of my coat.
My bank of trust had just gone bust
in other words it's broke.
DR: Did you write that?
ME: Yeah I did, but I'm no longer that person.
DR: I see... and why is that?
ME: Well the old man, who's dead now, used to ask a lot of questions....
DR: And you being the new man, don't of course.
ME: Nope! I question nothing?
DR: That's a contradiction!
ME: What is?
DR: You said you question nothing, yet you ended it with a question mark.
ME: And you think I need help!
DR: I think I need a drink!
ME: Oh yeah, eat, drink and be Mary, or whoever else you want to be... Is that the way you handle your problems? You know, that's what I don't like about you people! Someone like me gets sucked into thinking there's something wrong with them, when everything is really quite external. When someone's lost their job, wife, kids, the house has been repossessed and their best friend (which happens to be a dog) leaves home - when that person comes to you, you say, Oh my! You're depressed, why, by golly that's not normal; you should learn to be happy all by yourself. You give pills at the drop of a hat, cause you can't accept people where they're at. No! They have to be changed into thinking like everyone else. Well I happen to think in four opposite abstractions of 13 different dimensions of mundane logic.... Can YOU boast that claim?!
DR: What did you just say!?
ME: I said; "Oh yeah, eat, drink and be Mary, or whoever else you...
DR: No, I mean what did you say at the last?
ME: Last doesn't matter, man! First comes before whatever is, and nothing is whatever isn't. Don't you get it? This is was!!!
DR: Go on! go on! I think we're finally getting somewhere!
ME: My life lately has been just like that annoying coffee commercial jingle, except my version goes: "The best part of cracking up... is Martians in your cup!" And I keep hearing this voice inside my head saying, "It's been you all this time and we both know it, don't I?" Why just yesterday, I thought I was the 16th century humanist theologian Desiderius Erasmas; until the tidy bowl man popped out of my toaster, singing a microwave version of, "Mary had a little lamb, and he weighed a healthy 5 pounds and 10 ounces."
Then Winter, who was also also inside my head and on the same O.B. unit of the hospital; screamed out in labor pains, gave birth to Spring, and sighed, "Ah isn't she beautiful! -- I think I'll call her Summer!"
But, you know doc, everything is just a cliché! There are no new thoughts, just old ones that get twisted around trees bearing the fruits of discontent. I could declare, "I stink therefore I am," and everyone would begin holding their nose pondering my poignant utterance. But, I'm a nobody!....You're a nobody!!!!..We're all just one big nobody!! Somebody!......let me out from myself!!!! AGHHH! CRASH! CRUNCH! SMASH!
DR: That's right! Get in touch with that primal inner child wanting to escape! Let him out!! Here, here's an ashtray!!
ME: SMASH! BAM! HA! HA! HA! HE! BOOM! OUCH!
DR: Here, take this! It's a telephone, but this is not an ordinary phone. This one is your father! And you've never dealt with your Oedipus Complex.... take this phone and castrate the impostor!!
ME: I'm gonna kill you, Dad!!! AGHHH! BOOM! RING ! LING! DING! Whew!
DR: Now lets sit back down and talk about what you were feeling.
ME: Well UH... Whew!... UH... you were wrong... um, it hasn't been my mother...it hasn't been my father. It's... it's me! It's been me all this time!
DR: Oh no, no, no! You're having delusions of grandeur! I'll have to increase your dosage to prevent the psychosis from getting worse!... Well, ah, our time is up. I'd like you to think about our session today, and pick up where we left off next week... Um you do have insurance don't you?
ME: Yes, my policy number is right there in your charts.
DR: Oh, okay, lets see... Ashtray; $150.00...it's been in the family for years, I'm sure they'll understand.....Telephone; $300.00... Ceiling Damage....Golf clubs.... and, uh, office visit... $130. Well I'd like you to sign an agreement that you won't do anything foolish between now and next week........
(Episode 2)
As I was driving off, I felt I was mighty lucky to have such a friend, for only $130 an hour! Hah! I didn't need no shrink! Just didn't have any drive anymore and I hadn't been writing as it was too risky. What was I gonna do with my life, I wondered. I was almost 40! Heck, someone who was as old as I was, when I was born, is either dead or mighty old! Well, at least I had a mortgage, and I figured... in 11 years I'd have a little cash saved and could go into a retirement home. Yippee!
As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the mailbox was loaded and a sudden surge of relevance flowed throughout my entire being. Ah a couple of political magazines. "Wow! Look at this! A letter from a bill collector, but, hey! It says I'm a preferred customer! This must mean my life has meaning after all! Surely they wont mind waiting a couple more months to recieve a payment... since I'm such a wonderful patron!"
Creaking open the door, I threw my fan mail on my ever faithful sofa who received my aching body. "Why did I ever start going to that shrink anyway! Now I've got a diagnosis!" I asked myself aloud.
I slithered, like a snake, crosswise on the rug towards my personal library. "Schizo Affective Disorder, huh?" I mumbled, looking up its definition in my DSM3 from my, only semester in college days. Through all the medical jargon, all I could tell was that's it's a disease indistinguishably centered between Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia, brought about by chemicals in the brain, reacting to stress.
"Great," I sighed with a satirical overtone, "Now I'll never be able to be the President of the United States."
Well, the last few months to say the least, had been quite stressful. Funny thing, ever since I'd been on medication--- Matilda and Maggie had quit talking to me, or anyone for that matter. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to give rise to their resentment. I couldn't tell my Psychiatrist about it, Doc would've just figured that I needed to be on more meds.
"I think I'll just" (click) "watch some TV..." I yawned, "Hmm, C-Spam aaay?...."
"Will the congressman from Connecticut yield for the Gentleman from California?"
"No I Won't!" the Congressman responded.
"Whatdya' mean no I won't?"
"I mean No I Won't! Dats wa'a mean! Cause I'm not finished yet, Mr. Speaker!"
"Will the Gentle Lady from Utah remove the Gentleman from Connecticut off the floor, please," the Speaker requested.
"Why me?" the Utah congresswoman asked.
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