The Home and the World - Rabindranath Tagore (books to read in your 30s .txt) 📗

shone out. And in a moment the black covering

seemed to be lifted from Sandip's countenance also. His delight

beamed forth from his features. Unable to control his sudden

revulsion of feeling, he sprang up from his seat towards me.

What he intended I know not. I flashed a lightning glance

towards Amulya--the colour had left the boy's face as at the

stroke of a whip. Then with all my strength I thrust Sandip from

me. As he reeled back his head struck the edge of the marble

table and he dropped on the floor. There he lay awhile,

motionless. Exhausted with my effort, I sank back on my seat.

Amulya's face lightened with a joyful radiance. He did not even

turn towards Sandip, but came straight up, took the dust of my

feet, and then remained there, sitting on the floor in front of

me. O my little brother, my child! This reverence of yours is

the last touch of heaven left in my empty world! I could contain

myself no longer, and my tears flowed fast. I covered my eyes

with the end of my sari, which I pressed to my face with

both my hands, and sobbed and sobbed. And every time that I felt

on my feet his tender touch trying to comfort me my tears broke

out afresh.

After a little, when I had recovered myself and taken my hands

from my face, I saw Sandip back at the table, gathering up the

sovereigns in his handkerchief, as if nothing had happened.

Amulya rose to his seat, from his place near my feet, his wet

eyes shining.

Sandip coolly looked up at my face as he remarked: "It is six

thousand."

"What do we want with so much, Sandip Babu?" cried Amulya.

"Three thousand five hundred is all we need for our work."

"Our wants are not for this one place only," Sandip replied. "We

shall want all we can get."

"That may be," said Amulya. "But in future I undertake to get

you all you want. Out of this, Sandip Babu, please return the

extra two thousand five hundred to the Maharani."

Sandip glanced enquiringly at me.

"No, no," I exclaimed. "I shall never touch that money again.

Do with it as you will."

"Can man ever give as woman can?" said Sandip, looking towards

Amulya.

"They are goddesses!" agreed Amulya with enthusiasm.

"We men can at best give of our power," continued Sandip. "But

women give themselves. Out of their own life they give birth,

out of their own life they give sustenance. Such gifts are the

only true gifts." Then turning to me, "Queen!" said he, "if

what you have given us had been only money I would not have

touched it. But you have given that which is more to you than

life itself!"

There must be two different persons inside men. One of these in

me can understand that Sandip is trying to delude me; the other

is content to be deluded. Sandip has power, but no strength of

righteousness. The weapon of his which rouses up life smites it

again to death. He has the unfailing quiver of the gods, but the

shafts in them are of the demons.

Sandip's handkerchief was not large enough to hold all the coins.

"Queen," he asked, "can you give me another?" When I gave him

mine, he reverently touched his forehead with it, and then

suddenly kneeling on the floor he made me an obeisance.

"Goddess!" he said, "it was to offer my reverence that I had

approached you, but you repulsed me, and rolled me in the dust.

Be it so, I accept your repulse as your boon to me, I raise it to

my head in salutation!" with which he pointed to the place where

he had been hurt.

Had I then misunderstood him? Could it be that his outstretched

hands had really been directed towards my feet? Yet, surely,

even Amulya had seen the passion that flamed out of his eyes, his

face. But Sandip is such an adept in setting music to his chant

of praise that I cannot argue; I lose my power of seeing truth;

my sight is clouded over like an opium-eater's eyes. And so,

after all, he gave me back twice as much in return for the blow I

had dealt him--the wound on his head ended by making me bleed at

heart. When I had received Sandip's obeisance my theft seemed to

gain a dignity, and the gold glittering on the table to smile

away all fear of disgrace, all stings of conscience.

Like me Amulya also was won back. His devotion to Sandip, which

had suffered a momentary check, blazed up anew. The flower-vase

of his mind filled once more with offerings for the worship of

Sandip and me. His simple faith shone out of his eyes with the

pure light of the morning star at dawn.

After I had offered worship and received worship my sin became

radiant. And as Amulya looked on my face he raised his folded

hands in salutation and cried Bande Mataram! I cannot

expect to have this adoration surrounding me for ever; and yet

this has come to be the only means of keeping alive my self-

respect.

I can no longer enter my bedroom. The bedstead seems to thrust

out a forbidding hand, the iron safe frowns at me. I want to get

away from this continual insult to myself which is rankling

within me. I want to keep running to Sandip to hear him sing my

praises. There is just this one little altar of worship which

has kept its head above the all-pervading depths of my dishonour,

and so I want to cleave to it night and day; for on whichever

side I step away from it, there is only emptiness.

Praise, praise, I want unceasing praise. I cannot live if my

wine-cup be left empty for a single moment. So, as the very

price of my life, I want Sandip of all the world, today.

XVII

When my husband nowadays comes in for his meals I feel I cannot

sit before him; and yet it is such a shame not to be near him

that I feel I cannot do that either. So I seat myself where we

cannot look at each other's face. That was how I was sitting the

other day when the Bara Rani came and joined us.

"It is all very well for you, brother," said she, "to laugh away

these threatening letters. But they do frighten me so. Have you

sent off that money you gave me to the Calcutta bank?"

"No, I have not yet had the time to get it away," my husband

replied.

"You are so careless, brother dear, you had better look out..."

"But it is in the iron safe right inside the inner dressing-

room," said my husband with a reassuring smile.

"What if they get in there? You can never tell!"

"If they go so far, they might as well carry you off too!"

"Don't you fear, no one will come for poor me. The real

attraction is in your room! But joking apart, don't run the risk

of keeping money in the room like that."

"They will be taking along the Government revenue to Calcutta in

a few days now; I will send this money to the bank under the same

escort."

"Very well. But see you don't forget all about it, you are so

absent-minded."

"Even if that money gets lost, while in my room, the loss cannot

be yours, Sister Rani."

"Now, now, brother, you will make me very angry if you talk in

that way. Was I making any difference between yours and mine?

What if your money is lost, does not that hurt me? If Providence

has thought fit to take away my all, it has not left me

insensible to the value of the most devoted brother known since

the days of Lakshman." [25]

"Well, Junior Rani, are you turned into a wooden doll? You have

not spoken a word yet. Do you know, brother, our Junior Rani

thinks I try to flatter you. If things came to that pass I

should not hesitate to do so, but I know my dear old brother does

not need it!"

Thus the Senior Rani chattered on, not forgetting now and then to

draw her brother's attention to this or that special delicacy

amongst the dishes that were being served. My head was all the

time in a whirl. The crisis was fast coming. Something must be

done about replacing that money. And as I kept asking myself

what could be done, and how it was to be done, the unceasing

patter of my sister-in-law's words seemed more and more

intolerable.

What made it all the worse was, that nothing could escape my

sister-in-law's keen eyes. Every now and then she was casting

side glances towards me. What she could read in my face I do not

know, but to me it seemed that everything was written there only

too plainly.

Then I did an infinitely rash thing. Affecting an easy, amused

laugh I said: "All the Senior Rani's suspicions, I see, are

reserved for me--her fears of thieves and robbers are only a

feint."

The Senior Rani smiled mischievously. "You are right, sister

mine. A woman's theft is the most fatal of all thefts. But how

can you elude my watchfulness? Am I a man, that you should

hoodwink me?"

"If you fear me so," I retorted, "let me keep in your hands all I

have, as security. If I cause you loss, you can then repay

yourself."

"Just listen to her, our simple little Junior Rani!" she laughed

back, turning to my husband. "Does she not know that there are

losses which no security can make good, either in this world or

in the next?"

My husband did not join in our exchange of words. When he had

finished, he went off to the outer apartments, for nowadays he

does not take his mid-day rest in our room.

All my more valuable jewels were in deposit in the treasury in

charge of the cashier. Still what I kept with me must have been

worth thirty or forty thousand. I took my jewel-box to the Bara

Rani's room and opened it out before her, saying: "I leave these

with you, sister. They will keep you quite safe from all worry."

The Bara Rani made a gesture of mock despair. "You positively

astound me, Chota Rani!" she said. "Do you really suppose I

spend sleepless nights for fear of being robbed by you?"

"What harm if you did have a wholesome fear of me? Does anybody

know anybody else in this world?"

"You want to teach me a lesson by trusting me? No, no! I am

bothered enough to know what to do with my own jewels, without

keeping watch over yours. Take them away, there's a dear, so

many prying servants are about."

I went straight from my sister-in-law's room to the sitting-room

outside, and sent for Amulya. With him Sandip came along too. I

was in a great hurry, and said to Sandip: "If you don't mind, I

want to have a word or two with Amulya. Would you..."

Sandip smiled a wry smile. "So Amulya and I are separate in