The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

One Or Two Damsels,  That

Was Young Once,  But Have Confessed To Bein' Old Maids,

Drop't The Word 'Miss,' 'Cause It Sounded Ridikilous,

And Took The Title Of 'Mrs.' To Look Like Widders. Two

Or Three Wivewomen Of The Chinese Stock,  A Bustin' Of

Their Stays Off A'most,  And As Fat As Show-Beef; An Oldest

Son Or Two,  With The Eend Of The Silver Spoon He Was Born

With,  A Peepin' Out O' The Corner Of His Mouth,  And His

Face As Vacant As A Horn Lantern Without A Candle In It;

A Younger Son Or So Jist From College,  Who Looks As If

He Had An Idea He'd Have To Airn His Livin',  And Whose

Lantern Face Looks As If It Had Had A Candle In It,  That

Had E'en Amost Burnt The Sides Out,  Rather Thin And Pale,

With Streaks Of Latin And Greek In It; One Or Two

Everlastin' Pretty Young Galls,  So Pretty As There Is

Nothin' To Do,  You Can't Hardly Help Bein' Spooney On

'Em.

 

"Matchless Galls,  They Be Too,  For There Is No Matches

For 'Em. The Primur-Genitur Boy Takes All So They Have

No Fortin. Well,  A Younger Son Won't Do For 'Em,  For He

Volume 2 Chapter 7 (Life In The Country) Pg 129

Has No Fortin; And T'other Primo Geno There,  Couldn't If

He Would,  For He Wants The Estate Next To Hisn,  And Has

To Take The Gall That Owns It,  Or He Won't Get It. I Pity

Them Galls,  I Do Upon My Soul. It's A Hard Fate,  That,

As Minster Sais,  In His Pretty Talk,  To Bud,  Unfold,

Bloom,  Wither,  And Die On The Parent Stock,  And Have No

One To Pluck The Rose,  And Put It In His Bosom,  Aint It?

 

"Dinner Is Ready,  And You Lock And Lock,  And March Off

Two And Two,  To T'other Room,  And Feed. Well,  The Dinner

Is Like Town Dinner,  There Aint Much Difference,  There

Is Some; There Is A Difference Atween A Country Coat,

And A London Coat; But Still They Look Alike,  And Are

Intended To Be As Near The Same As They Can. The Appetite

Is Better Than Town Folks,  And There Is More Eatin' And

Less Talkin',  But The Talkin',  Like The Eatin',  Is Heavy

And Solemcoloy.

 

"Now Do,  Mr. Poker,  That's A Good Soul,  Now Do,  Squire,

Look At The Sarvants. Do You Hear That Feller,  A Blowin'

And A Wheesin' Like A Hoss That's Got The Heaves? Well

He Is So Fat And Lazy,  And Murders Beef And Beer So,  He

Has Got The Assmy,  And Walkin' Puts Him Out O' Breath--Aint

It Beautiful! Faithful Old Sarvant That,  So Attached To

The Family! Which Means The Family Prog. Always To Home!

Which Means He Is Always Eatin' And Drinkin',  And Hante

Time To Go Out. So Respectful! Which Means Bowin' Is An

Everlastin' Sight Easier,  And Safer Too,  Nor Talkin' Is.

So Honest! Which Means,  Parquisites Covers All He Takes.

Keeps Every Thin' In Such Good Order! Which Means He

Makes The Women Do His Work. Puts Every Thin' In It's

Place,  He Is So Methodical! Which Means,  There Is No

Young Children In The House,  And Old Aunty Always Puts

Things Back Where She Takes 'Em From. For She Is A Good

Bit Of Stuff Is Aunty,  As Thin,  Tough,  And Soople As A

Painter's Palate Knife. Oh,  Lord! How I Would Like To

Lick Him With A Bran New Cow Hide Whip,  Round And Round

The Park,  Every Day,  An Hour Afore Breakfast,  To Improve

His Wind,  And Teach Him How To Mend His Pace. I'd Repair

His Old Bellowses For Him,  I Know.

 

"Then Look At The Butler,  How He Tordles Like A Terrapin;

He Has Got The Gout,  That Feller,  And No Wonder,  Nother.

Every Decanter That Comes In Has Jist Half A Bottle In

It,  The Rest Goes In Tastin',  To See It Aint Corked. His

Character Would Suffer If A Bit O' Cork Floated In It.

Every Other Bottle Is Corked,  So He Drinks That Bottle,

And Opens Another,  And Gives Master Half Of It. The

Housekeeper Pets Him,  Calls Him Mr.,  Asks Him If He Has

Heard From Sir Philip Lately,  Hintin' That He Is Of Gentle

Blood,  Only The Wrong Side Of The Blanket,  And That

Pleases Him. They Are Both Well To Do In The World. Vails

Count Up In Time,  And They Talk Big Sometimes,  When Alone

Together,  And Hint At Warnin' Off The Old Knight,  Marryin',

Volume 2 Chapter 7 (Life In The Country) Pg 130

And Settin' Up A Tripe Shop,  Some O' These Days; Don't

That Hint About Wedlock Bring Him A Nice Little Hot Supper

That Night,  And Don't That Little Supper Bring Her A

Tumbler Of Nice Mulled Wine,  And Don't Both On 'Em Look

As Knowin' As A Boiled Codfish,  And A Shelled Oyster,

That's All.

 

"He Once Got Warned Himself,  Did Old Thomas,  So Said He,

'Where Do You Intend To Go Master?' 'Me,' Said The Old

Man,  Scratchin' His Head,  And Lookin' Puzzled 'Nowhere.'

'Oh,  I Thought _You_ Intend To Leave,  Said Thomas For

_I_ Don't.' 'Very Good That,  Thomas,  Come I Like That.'

The Old Knight's Got An Anecdote By That,  And Nanny-Goats

Aint Picked Up Every Day In The Country. He Tells That

To Every Stranger,  Every Stranger Larfs,  And The Two

Parsons Larf,  And The Old 'Sir' Larfs So,  He Wakes Up An

Old Sleepin' Cough That Most Breaks His Ribs,  And Thomas

Is Set Up For A Character.

 

"Well,  Arter Servants Is Gone,  And Women Folks Made

Themselves Scarce,  We Haul Up Closer To The Table,  Have

More Room For Legs,  And Then Comes The Most Interestin'

Part. Poor Rates,  Quarter Sessions,  Turnpikes,  Corn-Laws,

Next Assizes,  Rail-Roads And Parish Matters,  With A Touch

Of The Horse And Dog Between Primo And Secondo Genitur,

For Variety. If Politics Turn Up,  You Can Read Who Host

Is In A Gineral Way With Half An Eye. If He Is An

Ante-Corn-Lawer,  Then He Is A Manufacturer That Wants To

Grind The Poor Instead Of Grain. He Is A _New Man_ And

Reformer. If He Goes Up To The Bob For Corn-Law,  Then He

Wants To Live And Let Live,  Is _Of An Old Family_,  And

A Tory. Talk Of Test Oaths Bein' Done Away With. Why Lord

Love You,  They Are In Full Force Here Yet. See What A

Feller Swears By--That's His Test,  And No Mistake.

 

"Well,  You Wouldn't Guess Now There Was So Much To Talk

Of,  Would You? But Hear 'Em Over And Over Every Day,  The

Same Everlastin' Round,  And You Would Think The Topics

Not So Many Arter All,  I Can Tell You. It Soon Runs Out,

And When It Does,  You Must Wait Till The Next Rain,  For

Another Freshet To Float These Heavy Logs On.

 

"Coffee Comes,  And Then It's Up And Jine The Ladies.

Well,  Then Talk Is Tried Agin,  But It's No Go; They Can't

Come It,  And One Of The Good-Natured Fat Old Lady-Birds

Goes To The Piany,  And Sits On The Music Stool. Oh,

Hedges! How It Creaks,  But It's Good Stuff,  I Guess,  It

Will Carry Double This Hitch; And She Sings 'I Wish I

Was A Butterfly.' Heavens And Airth! The Fust Time I

Heard One Of These Hugeaceous Critters Come Out With That

Queer Idee,  I Thought I Should A Dropt Right Off Of The

Otter Man On The Floor,  And Rolled Over And Over A-Laughin',

It Tickled Me So,  It Makes Me Larf Now Only To Think Of

It. Well,  The Wings Don't Come,  Such Big Butterflies Have

Volume 2 Chapter 7 (Life In The Country) Pg 131

To Grub It In Spite Of Old Nick,  And After Wishin' And

Wishin' Ever So Long In Vain,  One Of The Young Galls Sits

Down And Sings In Rael Right Down Airnest,  'I _Won't_ Be

A Nun.' Poor Critter! There Is Some Sense In That,  But

I Guess She Will Be Bleeged To Be,  For All That.

 

"Now Eatin' Is Done,  Talkin' Is Done,  And Singin' Is

Done; So Here Is Chamber Candles,  And Off To Bed,  That

Is If You Are A-Stayin' There. If You Ain't,  'Mr. Weather

Mutton's Carriage Is Ready,  Sir,' And Mr. Weather Mutton

And Mrs. Weather Mutton And The Entire Stranger Get In,

And When You Do,  You Are In For It,  I Can Tell You. You

Are In For A Seven Mile Heat At Least Of Cross Country

Roads,  Axletree Deep,  Rain Pour-In' Straight Up And Down

Like Niagara,  High Hedges,  Deep Ditches Full Of Water,

Dark As Egypt; Ain't Room To Pass Nothin' If You Meet

It,  And Don't Feel Jist Altogether Easy About Them Cussed

Alligators And Navigators,  Critters That Work On Rail-Roads

All Day,  And On Houses And Travellers By Night.

 

"If You Come With Mr. Weather Mutton,  You Seed The Carriage

In Course. It's An Old One,  A Family One,  And As Heavy

As An Ox Cart. The Hosses Are Old,  Family Hosses,

Everlastin' Fat,  Almighty Lazy,  And The Way They Travel

Is A Caution To A Snail. It's Vulgar To Go Fast,  Its Only

Butcher's Hosses Trot Quick,  And Besides,  There Is No

Hurry--There Is Nothin' To Do To Home. Affectionate

Couple! Happy Man! He Takes His Wife's Hand In His--

Kisses It? No,  Not He,  But He Puts His Head Back In The

Corner Of The Carriage,  And Goes To Sleep,  And Dreams--Of

Her? Not He Indeed,  But Of A Saddle Of Mutton And Curren'

Jelly.

 

"Well,  If You Are A-Stoppin' At Sir Littleeared Bighead's,

You Escape The Flight By Night,  And Go To Bed And Think

Of Homeland Natur'. Next Mornin',  Or Rather Next Noon,

Down To Breakfast. Oh,  It's Awfully Stupid! That Second

Nap In The Mornin' Always Fuddles The Head,  And Makes It

As Mothery As Ryled Cyder Grounds. Nobody Looks As Sweet

As Sugar Candy Quite,  Except Them Two Beautiful Galls

And Their Honey Lips. But Them Is Only To Look At. If

You Want Honey,  There Is Some On A Little Cut Glass,  Dug

Out Of A Dish. But You Can't Eat It,  For Lookin' At The

Genu_Wine_,  At Least I Can't,  And Never Could. I Don't

Know What You Can Do.

 

"P'raps You'd Like To Look At The Picture,  It Will Sarve

To Pass Away Time. They Are Family Ones. And Family

Picture,  Sarve As A History. Our Mexican Indgians Did

All Their History In Picture. Let's Go Round The Room

And Look. Lawful Heart! What A Big "Brown Ox" That Is.

Old "Star And Garters;" Father Fatted Him. He Was A Prize

Ox; He Eat A Thousand Bushel Of Turnips,  A Thousand Pound

Of Oil Cake,  A Thousand Of Hay,