The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

The Object. On The Present Occasion,  He Exhibits

That Irritability,  Which Is So Common Among All His

Countrymen,  At The Absurd Accounts That Travellers Give

Of The United States In General,  And The Gross Exaggerations

They Publish Of The State Of Slavery In Particular.

 

That There Is A Party In This Country,  Whose Morbid

Sensibility Is Pandered To On The Subject Of Negro

Emancipation There Can Be No Doubt,  As Is Proved By The

Experiment Made By Mr. Slick,  Recorded In This Chapter.

 

On This Subject Every Man Has A Right To His Own Opinions,

But Any Interference With The Municipal Regulations Of

Another Country,  Is So Utterly Unjustifiable,  That It

Cannot Be Wondered At That The Americans Resent The

Conduct Of The European Abolishionists,  In The Most

Unqualified And Violent Manner.

 

The Conversation That I Am Now About To Repeat,  Took

Place On The Thames. Our Visits,  Hitherto,  Had Been

Restricted By The Rain To London. To-Day,  The Weather

Being Fine,  We Took Passage On Board Of A Steamer,  And

Went To Greenwich.

 

While We Were Walking Up And Down The Deck,  Mr. Slick

Again Adverted To The Story Of The Government Spies With

Great Warmth. I Endeavoured,  But In Vain,  To Persuade

Him That No Regular Organized System Of Espionage Existed

In England. He Had Obtained A Garbled Account Of One Or

Two Occurrences,  And His Prejudice,  (Which,  Notwithstanding

His Disavowal,  I Knew To Be So Strong,  As To Warp All

His Opinions Of England And The English),  Immediately

Built Up A System,  Which Nothing I Could Say,  Could At

All Shake.

 

I Assured Him The Instances He Had Mentioned Were Isolated

And Unauthorized Acts,  Told In A Very Distorted Manner

But Mitigated,  As They Really Were,  When Truly Related,

They Were At The Time Received With The Unanimous

Disapprobation Of Every Right-Thinking Man In The Kingdom,

And That The Odium Which Had Fallen On The Relators,  Was

So Immeasurably Greater Than What Had Been Bestowed On

The Thoughtless Principals,  That There Was No Danger Of

Such Things Again Occurring In Our Day. But He Was

Immovable.

 

"Oh,  Of Course,  It Isn't True," He Said,  "And Every

Englishman Will Swear It's A Falsehood. But You Must Not

Expect Us To Disbelieve It,  Nevertheless; For Your

Travellers Who Come To America,  Pick Up Here And There,

Some Absurd Ontruth Or Another; Or,  If They Are All Picked

Up Already,  Invent One; And Although Every Man,  Woman,

And Child Is Ready To Take Their Bible Oaths It Is A Bam,

Yet The English Believe This One False Witness In Preference

To The Whole Nation.

 

"You Must Excuse Me,  Squire; You Have A Right To Your

Opinion,  Though It Seems You Have No Right To Blart It

Out Always; But I Am A Freeman,  I Was Raised In Slickville,

Onion County,  State Of Connecticut,  United States Of

America,  Which _Is_ A Free Country,  And No Mistake; And

I Have A Right To My Opinion,  And A Right To Speak It,

Too; And Let Me See The Man,  Airl Or Commoner,

Parliamenterer Or Sodger Officer,  That Dare To Report

Me,  I Guess He'd Wish He'd Been Born A Week Later,  That's

All. I'd Make A Caution Of Him,  _I_ Know. I'd Polish His

Dial-Plate Fust,  And Then I'd Feel His Short Ribs,  So As

To Make Him Larf,  A Leetle Jist A Leetle The Loudest He

Ever Heerd. Lord,  He'd Think Thunder And Lightnin' A Mint

Julip To It. I'd Ring Him In The Nose As They Do Pigs In

My Country,  To Prevent Them Rootin' Up What They Hadn't

Ought."

 

Volume 2 Chapter 5 (The Black Stole) Pg 115

Having Excited Himself By His Own Story,  He First Imagined

A Case And Then Resented It,  As If It Had Occurred. I

Expressed To Him My Great Regret That He Should Visit

England With These Feelings And Prejudices,  As I Had

Hoped His Conversation Would Have Been As Rational And

As Amusing As It Was In Nova Scotia,  And Concluded By

Saying That I Felt Assured He Would Find That No Such

Prejudice Existed Here Against His Countrymen,  As He

Entertained Towards The English.

 

"Lord Love You!" Said He,  "I Have No Prejudice. I Am The

Most Candid Man You Ever See. I Have Got Some Grit,  But

I Ain't Ugly,  I Ain't Indeed."

 

"But You Are Wrong About The English; And I'll Prove It

To You. Do You See That Turkey There?" Said He.

 

"Where?" I Asked. "I See No Turkey; Indeed,  I Have Seen

None On Board. What Do You Mean?"

 

"Why That Slight,  Pale-Faced,  Student-Like Britisher; He

Is A Turkey,  That Feller. He Has Been All Over The Union,

And He Is A Goin' To Write A Book. He Was At New York

When We Left,  And Was Introduced To Me In The Street. To

Make It Liquorish,  He Has Got All The Advertisements

About Runaway Slaves,  Sales Of Niggers,  Cruel Mistresses

And Licentious Masters,  That He Could Pick Up. He Is A

Caterer And Panderer To English Hypocrisy. There Is

Nothin' Too Gross For Him To Swaller. We Call Them Turkeys;

First Because They Travel So Fast--For No Bird Travels

Hot Foot That Way,  Except It Be An Ostrich--And Second,

Because They Gobble Up Every Thing That Comes In Their

Way. Them Fellers Will Swaller A Falsehood As Fast As A

Turkey Does A Grasshopper; Take It Right Down Whole,

Without Winkin'.

 

"Now,  As We Have Nothin' Above Particular To Do,  'I'll

Cram Him' For You; I Will Show You How Hungry He'll Bite

At A Tale Of Horror,  Let It Be Never So Onlikely; How

Readily He Will Believe It,  Because It Is Agin Us; And

Then,  When His Book Comes Out,  You Shall See That All

England Will Credit It,  Though I Swear I Invented It As

A Cram,  And You Swear You Heard It Told As A Joke. They've

Drank In So Much That Is Strong,  In This Way,  Have The

English,  They Require Somethin' Sharp Enough To Tickle

Their Palates Now. Wine Hante No Taste For A Man That

Drinks Grog,  That's A Fact. It's As Weak As Taunton Water.

Come And Walk Up And Down Deck Along With Me Once Or

Twice,  And Then We Will Sit Down By Him,  Promiscuously

Like; And As Soon As I Get His Appetite Sharp,  See How

I Will Cram Him."

 

"This Steam-Boat Is Very Onsteady To-Day. Sir," Said Mr.

Slick; "It's Not Overly Convenient Walking,  Is It?"

Volume 2 Chapter 5 (The Black Stole) Pg 116

 

The Ice Was Broken. Mr. Slick Led Him On By Degrees To

His Travels,  Commencing With New England,  Which The

Traveller Eulogised Very Much. He Then Complimented Him

On The Accuracy Of His Remarks And The Depth Of His

Reflections,  And Concluded By Expressing A Hope That He

Would Publish His Observations Soon,  As Few Tourists Were

So Well Qualified For The Task As Himself.

 

Finding These Preliminary Remarks Taken In Good Part,  He

Commenced The Process Of "Cramming."

 

"But Oh,  My Friend," Said He,  With A Most Sanctimonious

Air,  "Did You Visit,  And I Am Ashamed As An American

Citizen To Ask The Question,  I Feel The Blood A Tannin'

Of My Cheek When I Inquire,  Did You Visit The South? That

Land That Is Polluted With Slavery,  That Land Where The

Boastin' And Crackin' Of Freemen Pile Up The Agony Pangs

On The Corroding Wounds Inflicted By The Iron Chains Of

The Slave,  Until Natur Can't Stand It No More; My Heart

Bleeds Like A Stuck Critter,  When I Think Of This Plague

Spot On The Body Politic. I Ought Not To Speak Thus;

Prudence Forbids It,  National Pride Forbids It; But

Genu_Wine_ Feelings Is Too Strong For Polite Forms. 'Out

Of The Fulness Of The Heart The Mouth Speaketh.' Have

You Been There?"

 

"Turkey" Was Thrown Off His Guard,  He Opened His Wallet,

Which Was Well Stocked,  And Retailed His Stories,  Many

Of Them So Very Rich,  That I Doubted The Capacity Of The

Attache To Out-Herod Him. Mr. Slick Received These Tales

With Evident Horror,  And Complimented The Narrator With

A Well Simulated Groan; And When He Had Done,  Said,  "Ah,

I See How It Is,  They Have Purposely Kept Dark About The

Most Atrocious Features Of Slavery. Have You Never Seen

The Gougin' School?"

 

"No,  Never."

 

"What,  Not Seen The Gougin' School?"

 

"No,  Sir; I Never Heard Of It."

 

"Why,  You Don't Mean To Say So?"

 

"I Do,  Indeed,  I Assure You."

 

"Well,  If That Don't Pass! And You Never Even Heerd Tell

Of It,  Eh?"

 

"Never,  Sir. I Have Never Either Seen It Or Heard Of It."

 

"I Thought As Much," Said Mr. Slick. "I Doubt If Any

Britisher Ever Did Or Ever Will See It. Well,  Sir,  In

Volume 2 Chapter 5 (The Black Stole) Pg 117

South Carolina,  There Is A Man Called Josiah Wormwood;

I Am Ashamed To Say He Is A Connecticut Man. For A

Considerable Of A Spell,  He Was A Strollin' Preacher,

But It Didn't Pay In The Long Run. There Is So Much

Competition In That Line In Our Country,  That He Consaited

The Business Was Overdone,  And He Opened A Lyceum To

Charleston South Car,  For Boxin',  Wrestlin' And Other

Purlite British Accomplishments; And A Most A Beautiful

Sparrer He Is,  Too; I Don't Know As I Ever See A More

Scientific Gentleman Than He Is,  In That Line. Lately,

He Has Halfed On To It The Art Of Gougin' Or 'Monokolisin,'

As He Calls It,  To Sound Grand; And If It Weren't So

Dreadful In Its Consequences,  It Sartinly Is Amost Allurin'

Thing,  Is Gougin'. The Sleight-Of-Hand Is Beautiful. All

Other Sleights We Know Are Tricks; But This Is Reality;

There Is The Eye Of Your Adversary In Your Hand; There

Is No Mistake. It's The Real Thing. You Feel You Have

Him; That You Have Set Your Mark On Him,  And That You

Have Took Your Satisfaction. The Throb Of Delight Felt

By A 'Monokolister' Is Beyond All Conception."

 

"Oh Heavens!" Said The Traveller,  "Oh Horror Of Horrors!

I Never Heard Any Thing So Dreadful. Your Manner Of

Telling It,  Too,  Adds To Its Terrors. You Appear To View

The Practice With A Proper Christian Disgust; And Yet

You Talk Like An Amateur. Oh,  The Thing Is Sickening."

 

"It Is,  Indeed," Said Mr. Slick,  "Particularly To Him

That Loses His Peeper. But The Dexterity,  You Know,  Is

Another Thing. It Is Very Scientific. He Has Two Niggers,

Has Squire Wormwood,  Who Teach The Wrastlin' And

Gouge-Sparrin'; But Practisin' For The Eye Is Done For

Punishment Of Runaways. He Has Plenty Of Subjects. All

The Planters Send Their Fugit_Ive_ Niggers There To Be

Practised On For An Eye. The Scholars Ain't Allowed To

Take More Than One Eye Out Of Them; If They Do,  They Have

To Pay For The Nigger; For