The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

Clay In The Waggon,  With My Coat Off,  A Ridin' In My

Shirt-Sleeves,  And A Thinkin' How Slick A Mint-Julep

Would Travel Down Red-Lane,  If I Had It,  I Heard Such A

Chatterin',  And Laughin',  And Screamin' As I Never A'most

Heerd Afore,  Since I Was Raised.

 

"'What In Natur' Is This,' Sais I,  As I Gave Old Clay A

Crack Of The Whip,  To Push On. 'There Is Some Critters

Here,  I Guess,  That Have Found A Haw Haw's Nest,  With A

Tee Hee's Egg In It. What's In The Wind Now?' Well,  A

Sudden Turn Of The Road Brought Me To Where They Was,

And Who Should They Be But French Officers From The

Volume 2 Chapter 6 (The Prince De Joinville's Horse) Pg 122

Prince's Ship,  Travellin' Incog. In Plain Clothes. But,

Lord Bless You,  Cook A Frenchman Any Way You Please,  And

You Can't Disguise Him. Natur' Will Out,  In Spite Of

All,  And The Name Of A Frencher Is Written As Plain As

Any Thing In His Whiskers,  And His Hair,  And His Skin,

And His Coat,  And His Boots,  And His Air,  And His Gait,

And In Everythin',  But Only Let Him Open His Mouth,  And

The Cat's Out Of The Bag In No Time,  Ain't It? They Are

Droll Boys,  Is The French,  That's A Fact.

 

"Well,  There Was Four On 'Em Dismounted,  A Holdin' Of

Their Hosses By The Bridle,  And A Standin' Near A Spring

Of Nice Cool Water; And There Was A Fifth,  And He Was A

Layin' Down Belly Flounder On The Ground,  A Tryin' To

Drink Out Of The Runnin' Spring.

 

"'Parley Vous French,' Sais I,  'Mountsheer?' At That,

They Sot To,  And Larfed Again More Than Ever,  I Thought

They Would Have Gone Into The High Strikes,  They Hee-Hawed

So.

 

"Well,  One On 'Em,  That Was A Duke,  As I Found Out

Afterwards,  Said 'O Yees,  Saar,  We Spoked English Too.'

 

"'Lawful Heart!' Sais I,  'What's The Joke?'

 

"'Why,' Sais He,  'Look There,  Sare.' And Then They Larfed

Agin,  Ready To Split; And Sore Enough,  No Sooner Had The

Leftenant Layed Down To Drink,  Than The Prince's Hoss

Kneeled Down,  And Put His Head Jist Over His Neck,  And

Began To Drink Too. Well,  The Officer Couldn't Get Up

For The Hoss,  And He Couldn't Keep His Face Out Of The

Water For The Hoss,  And He Couldn't Drink For The Hoss,

And He Was Almost Choked To Death,  And As Black In The

Face As Your Hat. And The Prince And The Officers Larfed

So,  They Couldn't Help Him,  If They Was To Die For It.

 

"Sais I To Myself,  'A Joke Is A Joke,  If It Tante Carried

Too Far,  But This Critter Win Be Strangled,  As Sure As

A Gun,  If He Lays Here Splutterin' This Way Much Longer.'

So I Jist Gives The Hoss A Dab In The Mouth,  And Made

Him Git Up; And Then Sais I,  'Prince,' Sais I,  For I

Know'd Him By His Beard,  He Had One Exactly Like One Of

The Old Saint's Heads In An Eyetalian Pictur,  All Dressed

To A Pint,  So Sais I,  'Prince,' And A Plaguy Handsum Man

He Is Too,  And As Full Of Fun As A Kitten,  So Sais I,

'Prince,' And What's Better,  All His Officers Seemed

Plaguy Proud And Fond Of Him Too; So Sais I,  'Prince,

Voila Le Condition Of One Colonist,  Which,' Sais I,

'Prince,  Means In English,  That Leftenant Is Jist Like

A Colonist.'

 

"'Commong,' Sais He,  'How Is Dat?'

 

Volume 2 Chapter 6 (The Prince De Joinville's Horse) Pg 123

'Why' Sais I,  'Prince,  Whenever A Colonist Goes For To

Drink At A Spring Of The Good Things In This World,  (And

Plaguy Small Springs We Have Here Too,) And Fairly Lays

Down To It,  Jist As He Gets His Lips Cleverly To It,  For

A Swig,  There Is Some Cussed Neck Or Another,  Of Some

Confounded Britisher,  Pops Right Over Him,  And Pins Him

There. He Can't Get Up,  He Can't Back Out,  And He Can't

Drink,  And He Is Blacked And Blued In The Face,  And Most

Choked With The Weight.'

 

"'What Country Was You Man Of?' Said He,  For He Spoke

Very Good For A Frenchman.

 

"With That I Straightened Myself Up,  And Looked Dignified,

For I Know'd I Had A Right To Be Proud,  And No Mistake;

Sais I,  'Prince,  I Am An American Citizen.' How Them Two

Words Altered Him. P'raps There Beant No Two Words To

Ditto 'Em. He Looked For All The World Like A Different

Man When He Seed I Wasn't A Mean Uncircumcised Colonist.

 

"'Very Glad To See You,  Mr. Yankee,' Said He,  'Very Glad

Indeed. Shall I Have De Honour To Ride With You A Little

Way In Your Carriage?'

 

"'As For The Matter Of That,' Sais I,  'Mountsheer Prince,

The Honour Is All The Other Way,' For I Can Be As Civil

As Any Man,  If He Sets Out To Act Pretty And Do The Thing

Genteel.

 

"With That He Jumped Right In,  And Then He Said Somethin'

In French To The Officers; Some Order Or Another,  I

Suppose,  About Comin On And Fetchin' His Hoss With Them.

I Have Hearn In My Time,  A Good Many Men Speak French,

But I Never See The Man Yet,  That Could Hold A Candle To

_Him_. Oh,  It Was Like Lightnin',  Jist One Long Endurin'

Streak; It Seemed All One Sentence And One Word. It Was

Beautiful,  But I Couldn't Onderstand It,  It Was So

Everlastin' Fast.

 

"'Now,' Sais He,  'Set Sail.' And Off We Sot,  At The Rate

Of Sixteen Notts An Hour. Old Clay Pleased Him,  You May

Depend; He Turned Round And Clapped His Hands,  And Larfed,

And Waved His Hat To His Officers To Come On; And They

Whipped,  And Spurred,  And Galloped,  And Raced For Dear

Life; But We Dropped 'Em Astarn Like Any Thing,  And He

Larfed Again,  Heartier Than Ever There Is No People

A'most,  Like To Ride So Fast As Sailors; They Crack On,

Like A House A Fire.

 

"Well,  Arter A While,  Sais He,  'Back Topsails,' And I

Hauled Up,  And He Jumped Down,  And Outs With A Pocket

Book,  And Takes A Beautiful Gold Coronation Medal. (It

Was Solid Gold,  No Pinchback,  But The Rael Yaller Stuff,

Jist Fresh From King's Shop To Paris,  Where His Money Is

Volume 2 Chapter 6 (The Prince De Joinville's Horse) Pg 124

Made),  And Sais He,  'Mr. Yankee,  Will You Accept That To

Remember The Prince De Joinville And His Horse By?' And

Then He Took Off His Hat And Made Me A Bow,  And If That

Warn't A Bow,  Then I Never See One,  That's All. I Don't

Believe Mortal Man,  Unless It Was A Philadelphia Nigger,

Could Make Such A Bow. It Was Enough To Sprain His Ankle

He Curled So Low. And Then Off He Went With A Hop,  Skip,

And A Jump,  Sailor Fashion,  Back To Meet His People.

 

"Now,  Squire,  If You See Lord Stanley,  Tell Him That

Story Of The Prince De Joinville's Horse; But Before You

Get So Far As That,  Pin Him By Admissions. When You Want

To Get A Man On The Hip,  Ax Him A Question Or Two,  And

Get His Answers,  And Then You Have Him In A Corner,  He

Must Stand And Let You Put On The Bridle. He Cant Help

It No How,  He Can Fix It.

 

"Says You,  'My Lord'--Don't Forget His Title--Every Man

Likes The Sound Of That,  It's Music To His Ears,  It's

Like Our Splendid National Air,  Yankee Doodle,  You Never

Get Tired Of It. 'My Lord,' Sais You,  'What Do You Suppose

Is The Reason The French Keep Algiers?' Well,  He'll Up

And Say,  It's An Outlet For The Fiery Spirits Of France,

It Gives Them Employment And An Opportunity To Distinguish

Themselves,  And What The Climate And The Inimy Spare,

Become Valuable Officers. It Makes Good Soldiers Out Of

Bad Subjects.

 

"'Do You Call That Good Policy?' Sais You.

 

"Well,  He's A Trump,  Is Mr. Stanley,  At Least Folks Say

So; And He'll Say Right Off The Reel 'Onquestionably It

Is--Excellent Policy.'

 

"When He Says That,  You Have Him Bagged,  He May Flounder

And Spring Like A Salmon Jist Caught; But Be Can't Out

Of The Landin' Net. You've Got Him,  And No Mistake. Sais

You 'What Outlet Have You For The Colonies?'

 

"Well,  He'll Scratch His Head And Stare At That,  For A

Space. He'll Hum And Haw A Little To Get Breath,  For He

Never Thought Of That Afore,  Since He Grow'd Up; But He's

No Fool,  I Can Tell You,  And He'll Out With His Mould,

Run An Answer And Be Ready For You In No Time. He'll Say,

'They Don't Require None. Sir. They Have No Redundant

Population. They Are An Outlet Themselves.'

 

"Sais You,  'I Wasn't Talking Of An Outlet For Population,

For France Or The Provinces Nother. I Was Talking Of An

Outlet For The Clever Men,  For The Onquiet Ones,  For The

Fiery Spirits.'

 

"'For That. Sir,' He Will Say,  'They Have The Local

Patronage.'

Volume 2 Chapter 6 (The Prince De Joinville's Horse) Pg 125

 

"'Oh!' Sais You,  'I Warn't Aware. I Beg Pardon,  I Have

Been Absent Some Time,  As Long As Twenty Days Or Perhaps

Twenty-Five,  There Must Have Been Great Changes,  Since

I Left.'

 

"'The Garrison,' Sais You.

 

"'Is English,' Sais He.

 

"'The Armed Ships In The Harbour?'

 

"'English.'

 

"'The Governor And His Secretary?'

 

"'English.'

 

"'The Principal Officer Of Customs And Principal Part Of

His Deputies?'

 

"'English.'

 

"'The Commissariat And The Staff?'

 

"'English To A Man.'

 

"'The Dockyard People?'

 

"'English.'

 

"'The Postmaster Giniral?'

 

"'English.'

 

"'What,  English?' Sais You,  And Look All Surprise,  As If

You Didn't Know. 'I Thought He Was A Colonist,  Seein'

The Province Pays So Much For The Mails.'

 

"'No,' He'll Say,  'Not Now; We Have Jist Sent An English

One Over,  For We Find It's A Good Thing That.'

 

"'One Word More,' Sais You,