The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

Never Forgets

The Becomins.

 

'"Anything I Can Do For You,  Sir?' Sais She,  And She

Raelly Did Look Pretty; All Good Natur'd People,  It

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 13

Appears To Me,  Do Look So.

 

"'Will You Be So Good As To Tell Me,  Which Door Leads To

The Staircase,  Marm?' Sais I.

 

"'Oh,  Is That All?' Sais She,  (I Suppose,  She Thort I

Wanted Her To Get Up And Get Breakfast For Me,) 'It's

The First On The Right,  And She Fixed Her Cap Agin' And

Laid Down,  And I Took The First On The Right And Off Like

A Blowed Out Candle. There Was The Staircase. I Walked

Down,  Took My Hat,  Onbolted The Outer Door,  And What A

Beautiful Day Was There. I Lit My Cigar,  I Breathed

Freely,  And I Strolled Down The Avenue.

 

"The Bushes Glistened,  And The Grass Glistened,  And The

Air Was Sweet,  And The Birds Sung,  And There Was Natur'

Once More. I Walked To The Lodge; They Had Breakfasted

Had The Old Folks,  So I Chatted Away With Them For A

Considerable Of A Spell About Matters And Things In

General,  And Then Turned Towards The House Agin'. 'Hallo!'

Sais I,  'What's This? Warn't That A Drop Of Rain?' I

Looks Up,  It Was Another Shower By Gosh. I Pulls Foot

For Dear Life: It Was Tall Walking You May Depend,  But

The Shower Wins,  (Comprehens_Ive_ As My Legs Be),  And

Down It Comes,  As Hard As All Possest. 'Take It Easy,

Sam,' Sais I,  'Your Flint Is Fixed; You Are Wet

Thro'--Runnin' Won't Dry You,' And I Settled Down To A

Careless Walk,  Quite Desperate.

 

"'Nothin' In Natur',  Unless It Is An Ingin,  Is So

Treacherous As The Climate Here. It Jist Clears Up On

Purpose I Do Believe,  To Tempt You Out Without Your

Umbreller,  And Jist As Sure As You Trust It And Leave It

To Home,  It Clouds Right Up,  And Sarves You Out For It--It

Does Indeed. What A Sight Of New Clothes I've Spilte

Here,  For The Rain Has A Sort Of Dye In It. It Stains

So,  It Alters The Colour Of The Cloth,  For The Smoke Is

Filled With Gas And All Sorts Of Chemicals. Well,  Back

I Goes To My Room Agin' To The Rooks,  Chimbly Swallers,

And All,  Leavin' A Great Endurin' Streak Of Wet Arter Me

All The Way,  Like A Cracked Pitcher That Leaks; Onriggs,

And Puts On Dry Clothes From Head To Foot.

 

"By This Time Breakfast Is Ready; But The English Don't

Do Nothin' Like Other Folks; I Don't Know Whether It's

Affectation,  Or Bein' Wrong In The Head--A Little Of Both

I Guess. Now Where Do You Suppose The Solid Part Of

Breakfast Is,  Squire? Why,  It's On The Side-Board--I Hope

I May Be Shot If It Ain't--Well,  The Tea And Coffee Are

On The Table,  To Make It As Onconvenient As Possible.

 

"Says I,  To The Lady Of The House,  As I Got Up To Help

Myself,  For I Was Hungry Enough To Make Beef Ache I Know.

'Aunty,' Sais I,  'You'll Excuse Me,  But Why Don't You

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 14

Put The Eatables On The Table,  Or Else Put The Tea On

The Side-Board? They're Like Man And Wife,  They Don't

Ought To Be Separated,  Them Two.'

 

"She Looked At Me,  Oh What A Look Of Pity It Was",  As

Much As To Say,  'Where Have You Been All Your Born Days,

Not To Know Better Nor That?--But I Guess You Don't Know

Better In The States--How Could You Know Any Thing There?'

But She Only Said It Was The Custom Here,  For She Was A

Very Purlite Old Woman,  Was Aunty.

 

"Well Sense Is Sense,  Let It Grow Where It Will,  And I

Guess We Raise About The Best Kind,  Which Is Common Sense,

And I Warn't To Be Put Down With Short Metre,  Arter That

Fashion. So I Tried The Old Man; Sais I,  'Uncle,' Sais

I,  'If You Will Divorce The Eatables From The Drinkables

That Way,  Why Not Let The Servants Come And Tend. It's

Monstrous Onconvenient And Ridikilous To Be A Jumpin' Up

For Everlastinly That Way; You Can't Sit Still One Blessed

Minit.'

 

"'We Think It Pleasant,' Said He,  'Sometimes To Dispense

With Their Attendance.'

 

"'Exactly,' Sais I,  'Then Dispense With Sarvants At

Dinner,  For When The Wine Is In,  The Wit Is Out.' (I Said

That To Compliment Him,  For The Critter Had No Wit In At

No Time,) 'And They Hear All The Talk. But At Breakfast

Every One Is Only Half Awake,  (Especially When You Rise

So Airly As You Do In This Country,' Sais I,  But The Old

Critter Couldn't See A Joke,  Even If He Felt It,  And He

Didn't Know I Was A Funnin'.) 'Folks Are Considerably

Sharp Set At Breakfast,' Sais I,  'And Not Very Talkat_Ive_.

That's The Right Time To Have Sarvants To Tend On You.'

 

"'What An Idea!' Said He,  And He Puckered Up His Pictur,

And The Way He Stared Was A Caution To An Owl.

 

"Well,  We Sot And Sot Till I Was Tired,  So Thinks I,

'What's Next?' For It's Rainin' Agin As Hard As Ever.'

So I Took A Turn In The Study To Sarch For A Book,  But

There Was Nothin' There,  But A Guide To The Sessions,

Burn's Justice,  And A Book Of London Club Rules,  And Two

Or Three Novels. He Said He Got Books From The Sarkilatin'

Library.

 

"'Lunch Is Ready.'

 

"'What,  Eatin' Agin? My Goody!' Thinks I,  'If You Are So

Fond Of It,  Why The Plague Don't You Begin Airly? If

You'd A Had It At Five O'clock This Morning,  I'd A Done

Justice To It; Now I Couldn't Touch It If I Was To Die.'

 

"There It Was,  Though. Help Yourself,  And No Thanks,  For

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 15

There Is No Sarvants Agin. The Rule Here Is,  No Talk No

Sarvants--And When It's All Talk,  It's All Sarvants.

 

"Thinks I To Myself,  'Now,  What Shall I Do Till Dinner-Time,

For It Rains So There Is No Stirrin' Out?--Waiter,  Where

Is Eldest Son?--He And I Will Have A Game Of Billiards,

I Guess.'

 

"'He Is Laying Down,  Sir.'

 

"'Shows His Sense,' Sais I,  'I See,  He Is Not The Fool

I Took Him To Be. If I Could Sleep In The Day,  I'de Turn

In Too. Where Is Second Son?'

 

"'Left This Mornin' In The Close Carriage,  Sir.'

 

"'Oh Cuss Him,  It Was Him Then Was It?'

 

"'What,  Sir?'

 

"'That Woke Them Confounded Rooks Up,  Out O' Their Fust

Nap,  And Kick't Up Such A Bobbery. Where Is The Parson?'

 

"'Which One,  Sir?'

 

"'The One That's So Fond Of Fishing.'

 

"'Ain't Up Yet,  Sir.'

 

"'Well,  The Old Boy,  That Wore Breeches.'

 

"Out On A Sick Visit To One Of The Cottages,  Sir.'

 

"When He Comes In,  Send Him To Me,  I'm Shockin' Sick.'

 

"With That I Goes To Look Arter The Two Pretty Galls In

The Drawin' Room; And There Was The Ladies A Chatterin'

Away Like Any Thing. The Moment I Came In It Was As Dumb

As A Quaker's Meetin'. They All Hauled Up At Once,  Like

A Stage-Coach To An Inn-Door,  From A Hand-Gallop To A

Stock Still Stand. I Seed Men Warn't Wanted There,  It

Warn't The Custom So Airly,  So I Polled Out O' That Creek,

Starn First. They Don't Like Men In The Mornin',  In

England,  Do The Ladies; They Think 'Em In The Way.

 

"'What On Airth,  Shall I Do?' Says I,  'It's Nothin' But

Rain,  Rain,  Rain--Here In This Awful Dismal Country.

Nobody Smokes,  Nobody Talks,  Nobody Plays Cards,  Nobody

Fires At A Mark,  And Nobody Trades; Only Let Me Get Thro'

This Juicy Day,  And I Am Done: Let Me Get Out Of This

Scrape,  And If I Am Caught Agin,  I'll Give You Leave To

Tell Me Of It,  In Meetin'. It Tante Pretty,  I Do Suppose

To Be A Jawin' With The Butler,  But I'll Make An Excuse

For A Talk,  For Talk Comes Kinder Nateral To Me,  Like

Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 16

Suction To A Snipe.'

 

"'Waiter?'

 

"'Sir.'

 

"'Galls Don't Like To Be Tree'd Here Of A Mornin' Do

They?'

 

"'Sir.'

 

"'It's Usual For The Ladies,' Sais I,  'To Be Together In

The Airly Part Of The Forenoon Here,  Ain't It,  Afore The

Gentlemen Jine Them?'

 

'"Yes,  Sir.'

 

"'It Puts Me In Mind,' Sais I,  'Of The Old Seals Down To

Sable Island--You Know Where Sable Isle Is,  Don't You?'

 

"'Yes,  Sir,  It's In The Cathedral Down Here.'

 

"'No,  No,  Not That,  It's An Island On The Coast Of Nova

Scotia. You Know Where That Is Sartainly.'

 

"'I Never Heard Of It,  Sir.'

 

"'Well,  Lord Love You! You Know What An Old Seal Is?'

 

"'Oh,  Yes,  Sir,  I'll Get You My Master's In A Moment.'

 

And Off He Sot Full Chisel.

 

"Cus Him! He Is As Stupid As A Rook,  That Crittur,  It's

No Use To Tell Him A Story,  And Now I Think Of It,  I Will

Go And Smoke Them Black Imps Of Darkness,--The Rooks.'

 

"So I Goes Up Stairs,  As Slowly As I Cleverly Could,  Jist

Liftin' One Foot Arter Another As If It Had A Fifty-Six

Tied To It,  On Pupus To Spend Time; Lit A Cigar,  Opened

The Window Nearest The Rooks,  And Smoked,  But Oh The Rain

Killed All The Smoke In A Minite; It Didn't Even Make

One On 'Em Sneeze. 'Dull Musick This,  Sam,' Sais I,  'Ain't

It? Tell You What: I'll Put On My Ile-Skin,  Take An

Umbreller And Go And Talk To The Stable Helps,  For I Feel

As Lonely As A Catamount,  And As Dull As A Bachelor

Beaver. So I Trampousses Off To The Stable,  And Says I

To The Head Man,  'A Smart