The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

Whig and Tory scratch and bite,
Just as hungry dogs we see;
Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
Throw a couple, they agree.
CCCVIII.—CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A person was complimenting Mrs. —— on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, modestly, "one should be young and handsome."—"Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."

CCCIX.—A PLACEBO.

When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place."—"Psha, sir," said George, "don't fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place." The hint was taken, and old George provided for.

CCCX.—A PLACE WANTED.

A gentleman, who did not live very happily with his[Pg 68] wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I wish I could give warning too."

CCCXI.—NOT TO BE BOUGHT.

A common-councilman's lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity: but for that deficiency you know we must not blame her."—"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a capacity; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."

CCCXII.—SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.

In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping physic into the street be any proof of insanity."—"True, my lord," replied the counsel, "but sweeping the pots away, certainly was."

CCCXIII.—CRUEL SUGGESTION.

Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your presence."—"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower?"—"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, "inflict a severer punishment,—send him back to Scotland!"

CCCXIV.—AN ODD FELLOW.

Lord Willoughby de Broke was a very singular character,[Pg 69] and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my fellow be?"—"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be near him, "not in Europe."

CCCXV.—POST-MORTEM.

One of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made, intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs, madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."—To which she instantly replied, "But not till he was dead."

CCCXVI.—KNOWING HIS PLACE.

At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run up after that boy."—"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to follow your Majesty."

CCCXVII.—AN ATTIC JEST.

Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, "To let."—"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished," rejoined the father.

CCCXVIII.—CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.

Lord B——, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment?"—"When you place your tongue on the civil list!" was the rejoinder.[Pg 70]

CCCXIX.—A READY RECKONER.

A mathematician being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (bore?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately."

CCCXX.—CATCHING HIM UP.

An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age."

CCCXXI.—A STOPPER.

A gentleman describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-maker.

CCCXXII.—A BOOK CASE.

There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books!"—"Better read them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

CCCXXIII.—HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.

"The mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A——ll, "is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love every fortnight."—"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the press, and wipes his eyes with the public."

CCCXXIV.—REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.

It was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or conferred a favor on any man living, no one would pray for him."[Pg 71]

CCCXXV.—A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.

Bishop Warburton, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like, and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher thumped the cushion."

CCCXXVI.—STONE BLIND.

Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my lord, what capital mantelpieces that marble would make in England!"

CCCXXVII.—AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.

In King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. "I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play, and as I can find no trace of a plot in either, you may go free."

CCCXXVIII.—DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.

Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied the doctor; "I wish it were impossible."

CCCXXIX.—MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.

Nature descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it,[Pg 72] which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest, grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.—S.S.

CCCXXX.—PLEASANT DESERTS.

A certain physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you,—you deserve to be ill."

CCCXXXI.—A HOME ARGUMENT.