The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.
CDXLIX.—A BASE ONE.A friend was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a base 'un," said Jerrold.
CDL.—PROFITABLE JUGGLING.A professor of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives" with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler. "Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll no turn't into a bawbee again."
CDLI.—PICKPOCKETING.The Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a flat."
CDLII.—DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.When it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in[Pg 98] the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman like the knave of clubs, tell him he is particularly wanted." The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.
CDLIII.—AFFECTATION.Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.
CDLIV.—WARM FRIENDSHIPS.
Some people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.
"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."
CDLV.—THEATRICAL MISTAKES.A laughable blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in "The Clandestine Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny's room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, "She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket." Mrs. Davenport, as Mrs. Heidelberg, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "I protest there's a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.
CDLVI.—A BROKEN HEAD."I am the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel,[Pg 99] "that ever had a broken head,—to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. That was a broken head, if you please, sir."
CDLVII.—CALEDONIAN COMFORT.Two pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"
CDLVIII.—AN ODD FAMILY.Blayney said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children."
CDLIX.—A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.Counsellor M——t, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, "If any man were to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my coat I should too late find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also."
CDLX.—BEN JONSON.When the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:—
From the arch-bis-
Hop was not there,
Because there was no beer."
[Pg 100] CDLXI.—UNREMITTING KINDNESS.
"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness?"
"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.
CDLXII.—KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.At Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, "and the Birmingham audience into the bargain."
CDLXIII.—A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.A learned doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women.
CDLXIV.—A MARK OF RESPECT.Congreve was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head."—"I accept it," said Congreve; "for trifles show respect."
CDLXV.—A GRETNA CUSTOMER.A runaway couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea."—"True," said the smith, "but he was an Irishman. I have married him six times. He is a good customer, and you I may never see again."
CDLXVI.—LEAVING HIS VERDICT."I remember," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are only eleven jurymen[Pg 101] in the box, where is the twelfth?'—'Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other business—but he has left his verdict with me!'"
CDLXVII.—OVER-WISE.In a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage:—
To which he gave the proper sense,—
but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,—"You are quite right, sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."
CDLXVIII.—IMPROMPTU.St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.
CDLXIX.—INDEPENDENCE.
Jemmy Gordon, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand in your shoes for all the world!"
CDLXX.—ON PRIDE.To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He mixes in the best society.
CDLXXI.—BLACK LETTER.
An old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old books,[Pg 102] Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very indifferent spelling."
CDLXXII.—A HIATUS."Did you not on going down find a party in your kitchen?" asked an underbred barrister of a witness. "A tea-party, Mr. ——?" mildly interposed Judge Maule.
CDLXXIII.—A REASONABLE REQUEST.An officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only cost a few men."—"Will you make one of the few?" remarked the general.
CDLXXIV.—A STRIKING POINT.When Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes (nose) will have it."
CDLXXV.—VERY PRETTY.One day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought so yesterday," he replied.
CDLXXVI.—AN ODD BIRD.A late Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's laid an egg."
CDLXXVII.—INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.Verdict—Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
Verdict—Ennui—so little work to do.
[Pg 103] CDLXXVIII.—"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."
A Mr. John Smith, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, and I've done the same thing often.'"
CDLXXIX.—CONFIDENCE."Why," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?"—"Because, sir," was the reply, "when you preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust a stranger without keeping a good look-out."
CDLXXX.—THE CUT INFERNAL.Of ——: "He's the silliest elf
I ever knew." Sir Charles was right,
For no one ever knows himself.
CDLXXXI.—FEELING HIS WAY.
"Uncle," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money),[Pg 104] "is the Queen's head still on the sovereign?"—"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?"—"Because it is now such a length of time since I saw one."
CDLXXXII.—THE WILL.Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he'd no will of his own."
CDLXXXIII.—INGENUOUSNESS.
Two young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. "General," said one of them, "it is; and we should have said much more if our wine had not failed."
CDLXXXIV.—A NEW SPORT.Quin thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked
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